I've steadfastly avoided therapy in the wake of all this A, S, false R, D, xWH still trying to contact me fuckup that was my own personal Lifetime Channel movie of the week. I did see an IC during the D, which could be chalked up to marriage counseling, but not for anything else. I''ve avoided it because I didn't want to risk my security clearance.
But this week, at my post, the regional psychiatrist was in-house. He was there mostly because we are a high threat, danger post (for example, 3 people were murdered at lunch time 2 weeks ago at the gym we all use across the street from our office. Needless to say, we aren''''t allowed to use that gym any longer). I scheduled an appointment because ... idk, my anxiety level is through the roof given that xWH still has tentacles into my life.
And my shit coping mechanisms (overeating, isolating) are happening with greater frequency because of it.
Most recently, xWH tried to get assigned to a training week we do. It's ridiculous that he asked to come given that he's a trained federal agent that spent 1.5 years in various law enforcement & investigatory training and um, no, he would gain nothing of value of attending our training week. So I read it as trying to get close to me. Maybe not, maybe he's just a fucking idiot who thinks that visiting criminal courts where the whole discussion takes place in a language he doesn''t speak would be helpful, who knows?
But it sent me around the bend b/c I had to hear about it. Then I had to contact security to ask them to put a stop to it. And then once again everyone is reminded about the whole fucking thing. And so I spent a week eating. Now, I ate some gooooood stuff. But, I also ate a lot of shit. Ate myself to sickness.
So, I made an appointment. The doctor said I didn''t say anything that was a security clearance concern, but who knows. He offered to get me re-assigned, but I don''''t want that, that''''s a black mark I think. He asked some typical questions like did I really want to see xWH (NO!), had there been domestic violence (some), was alcohol a coping mechanism (no, I choose ice cream before alcohol). But mostly I repeated that I needed not to care if xWH tried to contact me, and needed not to react because it meant I couldn''''t live my life with clarity. That I was - like when I was being lied to in my M - making decisions with faulty data. Idk if I want to stay in this job or not. But if I stay, I want it to be because I want to, not because I'm trying to prove to xWH I'm better than he said I was. And if I leave, I want it to be because I want something else, not because I"m afraid of my xWH.
So he's going to find someone local for me to talk to ... ugh. I so hope I didn't fuck myself up career-wise. But I was okay with my bad coping skills rearing their head every 3 months or so, but once a month is too often.
Goddammit. Will I never stop paying the price for what that fucking waste of space did to me?
So yeah, basically I went to talk to a psychiatrist about my anxiety and now I'm fucking anxious to the max because I think I may have threatened my career. This is why I avoided doing this. Why the fuck didn''t I remember that?
[This message edited by cayc at 10:25 PM, October 2nd, 2013 (Wednesday)]