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I've steadfastly avoided therapy in the wake of all this A, S, false R, D, xWH still trying to contact me fuckup that was my own personal Lifetime Channel movie of the week. I did see an IC during the D, which could be chalked up to marriage counseling, but not for anything else. I''ve avoided it because I didn't want to risk my security clearance.

But this week, at my post, the regional psychiatrist was in-house. He was there mostly because we are a high threat, danger post (for example, 3 people were murdered at lunch time 2 weeks ago at the gym we all use across the street from our office. Needless to say, we aren''''t allowed to use that gym any longer). I scheduled an appointment because ... idk, my anxiety level is through the roof given that xWH still has tentacles into my life.

And my shit coping mechanisms (overeating, isolating) are happening with greater frequency because of it.

Most recently, xWH tried to get assigned to a training week we do. It's ridiculous that he asked to come given that he's a trained federal agent that spent 1.5 years in various law enforcement & investigatory training and um, no, he would gain nothing of value of attending our training week. So I read it as trying to get close to me. Maybe not, maybe he's just a fucking idiot who thinks that visiting criminal courts where the whole discussion takes place in a language he doesn''t speak would be helpful, who knows?

But it sent me around the bend b/c I had to hear about it. Then I had to contact security to ask them to put a stop to it. And then once again everyone is reminded about the whole fucking thing. And so I spent a week eating. Now, I ate some gooooood stuff. But, I also ate a lot of shit. Ate myself to sickness.

So, I made an appointment. The doctor said I didn''t say anything that was a security clearance concern, but who knows. He offered to get me re-assigned, but I don''''t want that, that''''s a black mark I think. He asked some typical questions like did I really want to see xWH (NO!), had there been domestic violence (some), was alcohol a coping mechanism (no, I choose ice cream before alcohol). But mostly I repeated that I needed not to care if xWH tried to contact me, and needed not to react because it meant I couldn''''t live my life with clarity. That I was - like when I was being lied to in my M - making decisions with faulty data. Idk if I want to stay in this job or not. But if I stay, I want it to be because I want to, not because I'm trying to prove to xWH I'm better than he said I was. And if I leave, I want it to be because I want something else, not because I"m afraid of my xWH.

So he's going to find someone local for me to talk to ... ugh. I so hope I didn't fuck myself up career-wise. But I was okay with my bad coping skills rearing their head every 3 months or so, but once a month is too often.

Goddammit. Will I never stop paying the price for what that fucking waste of space did to me?

So yeah, basically I went to talk to a psychiatrist about my anxiety and now I'm fucking anxious to the max because I think I may have threatened my career. This is why I avoided doing this. Why the fuck didn''t I remember that?

[This message edited by cayc at 10:25 PM, October 2nd, 2013 (Wednesday)]

((((cayc))))

I get that he's the regional psychiatrist for your area, but he's still an MD--doesn't HIPPA apply?

Yes HIPAA, but not if what I say is considered a threat to national security or indicates that I might be such a threat.

Which I know I'm not!!! But I don't know where the line in the sand is and don't want to accidentally mess things up for myself just because I don't think most people know what to do with "well my xWH slept with over 50 women while we were married, and now that I'm D, he still won't go away". It makes no sense, b/c clearly he didn't want to be M given the 50 OW thing ... so why's he creeping? And why can't I get past it? I mean I know why, but I doubt the ability of psychiatrists and psychologists to understand and not penalize me for it.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:58 PM, October 2nd, 2013 (Wednesday)]

(((cayc)))

I know you did the right thing. This wouldn't affect your clearance. And you do need to work through this so you can be even happier than you are right now.

I'm proud of you for taking this step, whatever that's worth!!!

(((cayc))) Is speaking to a chaplain an option? You'd have to vet the chaplain of course, but it might be another option. My Former BIL was an Air Force Chaplain, retired as a Colonel. He was and is a great guy and a great counselor....

I know some counselors are crap, just like any other profession, but you may get a very good one who will help you reduce your anxiety and improve your coping skills. I get that you need reassurance about your anxiety not affecting your security clearance and you GOT that from the Psychiatrist today:

The doctor said I didn't say anything that was a security clearance concern,

The "who knows" is your anxiety talking. The fact is, you asked and the MD said "Nothing was a security clearance concern". Asked. Answered. Done.

So yeah, basically I went to talk to a psychiatrist about my anxiety and now I'm fucking anxious to the max because I think I may have threatened my career. This is why I avoided doing this. Why the fuck didn't I remember that?

And that is how anxiety ties you in knots! If you follow through with the referral, you will get some help getting the knots untied, skills that will help you forever. There is a way out of this puzzle, there really is. Hang in there cayc!

cayc, you did the right thing for the right reasons. It's done - you have to go with that. And it sounds like you handled it well.

Two murders of co-workers - that is a huge amount of stress on all of you, in addition to this BS with XWH. ((Hugs)) lady. You are strong and amazing - don't forget that. And we are all always here for you.

The biggest threat to your clearance is having them discover an issue you didn't self-report. If they know about it, and you're being treated, there's less chance for blackmail or extortion. No vulnerability due to exposure.

I happen to know a Secret Service agent who was in Alcoholics Anonymous the last few years of his career. They were cool with that as long as he was getting the help he needed. He eventually retired with his full pension.

Get the help you need.

I don't understand everything about your career, but I think the bottom line is getting control of yourself.

As long as you are emotionally healthy, then the career, and the rest of your life, is going to fall into place. You have to take care of yourself first...no one else is going to do it for you!

Who knows why exH is creeping? The problem as I have to deal with it, is they feel the same about us wether married or not. It was no big deal to have feelings for us, yet cheat on us at the same time...right? Not much in their world has changed. That is how I look at my exH sending me flowers and big gifts to me for my birthday. Little has changed in his head: me and kids in his life when convenient, a boyfriend on the side. He wants to be a part of my life. He cannot understand my position of everything changing and not wanting him in it any longer.

Does that make sense? They controlled us for so long, manipulated us to keep us in place, it is hard for them to let go. Even if they have moved on...still hard.