SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Running the Race posted 10/2/2013 18:53 PM

I've got to be honest here with everyone, my exw did cheat with two EAs, and she had some issues with I believe being "bored" with the life we made. But, she was remorseful, she tried to make us work, she tried to be a better person. I couldn't give her my trust. 
We used to fight, and I would get quiet when we would fight, I wouldn't call her. Eventually, she would almost always break down, cry to me, or call me. What a stupid game I would play, was that for my own ego?
I think when she left, she was struggling at first,I was scared because I figured she could find someone on the Internet like she did before, and I was worried I'd get hurt. So I distanced myself.
She eventually stopped calling, stopped trying to get a hold of me. To be honest, in the back of my mind, I thought she would again cry and try and come back to me.
I see now she is strong, stronger than I ever thought. And I see she is passed me. She is making a life for herself, she is making new friends and moving on.  I obsess over what her activities are. I do miss her, I do miss our marriage.
I also see how I failed to be a better person. I lost her. But I lost her because of me, not the EAs. I was unable to forgive or grow. She was remorseful. And she did try.
Now it hurts so bad,and it's my own fault. I want her to be unhappy, but I think she is content and doesn't care or think of me at all.
I need to come clean here, I have a lot of the blame for my D and failing my kids, and my own unhappiness.

Take2 posted 10/2/2013 19:46 PM

((RunningtheRace)) I can't speak to what you did or didn't do, so I don't know if your self-criticism is valid.

But I do understand how hard it is to extend trust to someone who has violated it, to open up and trust again after repeated betrayal. Try to be kind to yourself.

And remember that it isn't too late to forge a better you, or to be an awesome dad.

sunsetslost posted 10/2/2013 21:48 PM

(((rtr))

I've been struggling with regret lately, too. But I've come to terms with it. She is as much at fault for our marital stress as I was. She is the one that cheated. In my case she wanted out. An exit affair. If she would've served me papers she knew I would have fought her tooth and nail. Counseling. Therapy. SHE ALONE chose the one act that she knew I couldn't overlook or forgive. Whether she did it consciously or not she knew I can't come back from this, not to her. SHE ALONE chose to suffer in silence, to pretend. To not share her feelings, boredom, restlessness.

I truly hope my STBX has a great life. She won't . She's broken I see that now.

I can't help that, not anymore. I've chosen to be a better person. Happier. More outgoing. I don't sweat the bullshit anymore. I'm closer to my friends, my family and to God than I've ever been. My actions in our M were honorable and mt intentions were pure. I now know that I couldn't ever be responsible for her happiness.

Gently, my friend, regret is a wasted emotion. It implies a transgression. Chances are that given the same circumstances, stresses and timing you would react the same way if somehow you had the opportunity to 'do it all over'. It's just you being you.

I wish you strength. Take the regret and use it to be a better person. A better parent. Her life is no longer your concern.

Running the Race posted 10/3/2013 01:51 AM

Thank you both