Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: Alleycats (61167)

User Topic: I triggered the other day...
♂ 14993
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over 6 years out... yesterday and forever ago... and I still trigger...

They tell you the triggers die eventually, but itís only a half truth.

Now, to give you the background of my story, itís quite textbook. My exwife ran away after some other guy... and... well... then some other, other guy. Anyway, we divorced, I moved forward, and I married the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Oh sure, there was all sorts of crazy surrounding the breakdown, but thatís all just flavour text at this point. Itís like reading some cheesy romance novel... the underlying structure is the same as any other, just drop in a pirate or a cowboy, vampire, fish-squirrel, or whatever the heck is in this year.

Okay... reading that last paragraph I feel compelled to keep my man card and state that I have, in fact, never actually read one of those works, but I do nonetheless feel fairly confident in my prejudiced assertation of that literary niche.

Anyway, back on topic, it was a just the other day that I triggered. With my new job I travel around quite a bit providing engineering support. Okay... itís been a little over 3 years with this position, so I guess itís not really "new". But itís not my old job. I could say "current", but that implies that Iíll be leaving shortly and I donít have any plans for that. Job #2 doesnít work either as Iím only working the one, so maybe we should go with my current job which I intend to stick with for a while which is probably news to you if you havenít been paying attention for the last 3 years.

Alright... now that we have that important distinction clarified... With my current job which I intend to stick with for a while which is probably news to you if you havenít been paying attention for the last 3 years, I travel around quite a bit providing engineering support. With the travel, that means Iím often eating on the road... well, not literally ďon the roadĒ, but Iím sure you all get what I mean. So, the other day I had an early morning pour a few hours away, and in the afternoon I stopped for lunch on the way back to my office/lab. Itís not one of those fancy office/lab buildings like they have at NIST... this oneís more like a garage that I put a desk, library, and lab equipment in, behind a real office.

Anyway, back to the point... you see I stopped off at this Indian restaurant in my hometown and that is where I triggered. Well... not hometown as I didn't grow up here, but the town I have my home in. Umm... city actually. And donít worry Ė itís not a case of bad butter chicken for those of you jumping to the worst! There was a good reason for this trigger.

To explain... the very first weekend separated my son and I went to this very restaurant for lunch. He was not even 3 years old then. I can still remember the owner welcoming us in... JRJR thrilled with his mango lhassi... how much he liked the food. This was something new for me and JRJR. His mother wasnít very adventurous with food, so I wanted to strike out and do something new and expose our son to it. He loved it... in fact it quickly became his very favourite restaurant. Since that first time, we have made it a tradition to go there every few months for lunch. Itís our thing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I trigger.

It is because I cannot go in there without remembering where this tradition came from. It was an act of bonding with my son, of finding something no matter how simple it is to enjoy together. It was an act of building our lives together. And that trigger sure as hell makes me smile.

Everywhere around my world these triggers exist. I see a cow, a kiwi, or a chopper and I chuckle. I see a rabbit and I think ďright on brotherĒ. I canít see a picture of Oz or Darth Vader without wondering how theyíre doing and why I havenít been invited over to try out the pool. I still enjoy my red onions. I discovered I like chess. I hear Knights of Cydonia and I know that something awesome is going to happen. I still check for ogres under the bridge at ogre park. Iím enjoying our weekly adventure with the mad man in a blue box. I look forward to our trips to the Falls and our hikes, and my fatherís day photo albums. I enjoy when we do the runs together. All traditions built with my wife and son that I cherish. I donít expect that many of these will have particular importance to any of you, but thatís fine because they are mine.

And all those bad triggers I used to have? Nothing more than just another scalp added to the pile. Nothing more than a reminder that the worst out there cannot beat the best in me. Nothing more than a testament to the fact the when the need arises, so can I.

I donít always trigger. And these triggers donít always elicit an intense emotional reaction. These things are a part of my life, so theyíre not always seen. But they are there. Everywhere around me... thereís these messages... like clues hidden in plain sight... reminders, from another me, that ultimately I am the author of my story... reminders to treasure what is truly important.

So yeah... I donít always trigger. But when I do... itís fucking amazing.

A long time ago, I used to think that triggers were something to be feared. But really... life isnít about whatís been lost. Itís not about being too afraid to live it. Itís about what you have to give... to yourself and to those you love. And nobody, and no thing can take that away from you. Triggers are yours. You are not theirs. Make them mean something. Yes... some triggers can be painful, but donít let that keep you from embracing your life and your world with arms wide open. When triggers hurt it is because we are human. And thatís a good thing. Because being human means continually striving to be better. And you can certainly do that.

And... for whatever itís worth... I think fish-squirrels are now on that list.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 18191 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've missed you Ser

FBH - 45
FWW - 46 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 10 & 15

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 46823 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I miss your writing style and wisdom. It is good to see you drop in and share another gem with us.

BTW you forgot to mention the rebellion, blimps, France, and mandalorian battle kilt. Oh and the flying ramen noodles at sadcat's

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You!

BH 53, WW 45
DS 25(Mine),SD 24,SS 23(Hers),DS 12 Ours, DGS 6, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 5493 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh, I finally get to witness a legendary SerJRism.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome, SerJR. Thank you.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40231 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing this, SerJR. All the posts I've read of yours are chock full of kickassery, this one included.

Posts: 30659 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an example of a *positive* trigger, IMO. This trigger had nothing to do with your WW other than the fact that it was an activity that you engaged in and began *while* you were dealing with the fall-out. It's not as if it was a trigger of the *reclaiming* because WW *stole* that place from you (like, she went there with her AP kinda thing). I feel that that is a very distinctive difference.

I see it like this. Your WW's behavior made you think *outside the box* and to do something different with your son. And your son LOVED it. Her *bad* behavior led you to a *bonding* moment with your son. I think that the knowledge that your son has such positive memories of this should overpower any type of negative, *triggery* feelings about this.....

Yes. It hurts because you remember what was happening in your own life at the time of your first attendance at that restaurant....but that does not discount the *joy* that you and your DS found there.....

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so good to *see* you around these parts again. Wonderful post.

Go softly my sweet friend. You will always be a part of who I am.

Posts: 52151 | Registered: Sep 2006
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Welcome back

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25300 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ser, glad to see you back.

and I married the most wonderful woman I have ever met.

I'm so happy for both of you.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 33 years, Together 40 years - Reconciled

Posts: 6295 | Registered: Aug 2007
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've also missed you!

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9154 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was almost afraid to read this... seeing how far out you were. Thinking, no,no,no, he isn't still fighting through is he?

Thank you for the inspiration. I am sure that you remember, "the early days", the uncertainty, the fear that comes up, "will this pain ever end, ever get better?"

Reading this gives hope.

Thank you.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fish squirrels. That is so obvious. Why did I never think of that before.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7849 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ser...

Good always

Me - 52; FWH - 54
Married 34 years 9/2/17
2 grown daughters-33 & 30
8yo GS,4yo GD & 3yo. GD (DD33) and 5 yo GD & 1 yo GD(DD30). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 6210 | Registered: May 2007
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You made me smile and get teary. Job well done

I especially like being the author of one's own story. I started to attempt to teach my son (an adolescent who believes he can now fix his father) that the story he wishes to write might have different characters, or a different story line. I started to tell him that the one he's working on is hackneyed and doesn't turn out well in the end. But know? It's his story to write. Maybe he'll listen to me when he gets to the screenwriting stage---but maybe not.

In the meantime, I write my own story. Somewhere along the line, I started editing out certain chapters. Doesn't mean I don't remember them, just that they aren't central to the story line any more. Oh, sure--they helped the story develop. But ...well, they're just padding, at this point.

Except on PMS days when chocolate is not available. Or vodka. Then you could toss a fish-squirrel (which made me laugh really hard) into the story or, better, a wolverine. A wolverine who attacks the faces and fingers of characters who were briefly central to the storyline but who, I believe, will end up on the cutting room floor when the film version is made.

Yeah, on those PMS days, I sometimes like having a villain and his mistress and a hungry wolverine in the story. They're usually devoured pretty quickly.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15256 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Glad to hear from you. Your writing style always makes me laugh, and you my friend help me so much in the early days, your quirky, yet no nonsense way of seeing things brightened my morning.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused as hell, but I *think* I get your point.

I'm a ways out as well and am quite astounded at times how these triggers do their best to derail me.

I'm working on getting stronger than they are.


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09

Posts: 21377 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just talking about you at the G2G last weekend - about how fortunate I was when I joined SI and you were very actively posting. Okay, not just you. I was talking about a handful of the menz.

I hope you, Ser, and the rest of the guys realize how much healing you help with.

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch. - Bette Davis

Posts: 13016 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
Topic Posts: 19

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.