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Snooping and sex tapes.

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theansweris42 posted 10/2/2013 19:38 PM

Hello, everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. Iím sorry we had to meet this way.

D-Day was 6 weeks ago.

Iíve been dating my boyfriend seriously for more than 2 years, living together for a year and a few months. He was clear with me when he suggested we moved in in May of 2012 that he wanted it to be a step towards marriage.

We are a cross-cultural couple Ė He is Japanese and I am a westerner, living and working in Tokyo. He has lived abroad on business and speaks fluent English, but Iím sure through the past 6 weeks of hell, we have come across more snags than most because of our cultural differences and subtle language barrier (we communicate mostly in English, but heís not a native English speaker. It makes fighting very difficult because thereís no room for metaphor or nuance.)

Although we had a cordial relationship (by any measure, a ďgreat oneĒÖ Enjoying time together, travel, etc.) I always had the lingering gut feeling. About 8 weeks ago, I was going through a pretty stressful time (my best friend and main support system was leaving Japan and I was starting to wonder if my relationship with my boyfriend would give me the support I was losing in my best friendÖ He had spoken more seriously about wanting to get married next year and, although I was, for the most part, on board with the idea and very happy, I still sensed that something wasnít ďrightĒ and thought it would be in the best interest of my future to snoop and find out once and for all if I was right.

And as most of you know, the gut doesnít lie.

Sadly, it took me all of 3 seconds to discover his indiscretion. I almost wish heíd tried harder to hide it. I went onto his laptop, clicked on the only file folder on his cluttered desktop, and found about 10 sex videos of him and the same woman. I went through all the usual stuff, shock, denial, etc. in the first 30 seconds and then decided that they must be old videos. Unfortunately, the next gratuitous shot in the video scanned across the room, where it showed very clearly his business bag that I bought him for his birthday in May of 2012, just a month before we moved in together.

I deliberated not telling him until I had gathered more evidence and snooped more, but after a day of feeling like I would drop dead at any second, I told him. Shaking, I told him I knew. I screamed at him. I accused him of never loving me.

Of course, he denied. Said they were old tapes. Only admitted when I told him I saw the bag.

Then the truth came out. Ex-girlfriend from when he was living abroad in China had been transferred to his Tokyo office.

They broke up the first time because, get this, she began seeing their mutual married (with children) boss. He broke things off with her because she was being ďimmoral.Ē The best part is she transferred to Tokyo to get married to another Japanese guy. What a prize fiancť.

She and my boyfriend met on two occasions (that he admitted) in June of 2012 (a week after he asked me to move in) and then in September 2012 (2 months after we had been living together). He kept the videos as ďtoolsĒ for his own pleasure devices. Tools. A screwdriver if Iíve ever seen one. He said they havenít contacted one another since (even though they were still friends on FB). Even though they work in the same company, they never see one another because itís a huge building and sheís in a different department.

He (on my request) blocked and deleted her, but not before sending her a lengthy message about how he regrets what he did, how she meant nothing, and how he hopes that she starts living better. She responded a day later simply with ďI understand.Ē That was it. Blocked. Done. I believe him when he says he is NC. I believe that she was meaningless to him.

He was genuinely sorry (for being caught, or for what he did, Iím not convinced). We went to see a counselor several times. After much discussion, he told me that he wasnít committed to me last year and that he had rationalized that the two times with her were okay because it was just sex and no love. That he always knew in his mind that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he was just taking the opportunity for easy sex. That he had no concept of morality then, but he does now. That he recognizes that he has intimacy issues and that heís willing to work on them if Iím willing to be patient. That heíll never do it again because he never realized that his actions had consequences before this point. Selfish prick.

At no point has he wavered. He wants to continue the relationship. I donít know if itís because he just feels so consumed with the guilt of this shitstorm his idiocy created or if he actually genuinely loves me. Last night, I said to him in one of my familiar rages, ďdonít you think I deserve someone better than you?!Ē He said, ďyes. You do.Ē But he still wants to continue.

He has been doing everything right. He has completely changed for the better, has been a loving, supportive, caring boyfriend and has been completely open and transparent with me. But itís 6 weeks later and I still feel stuck. Itís really hard to unsee your significant other videotaping and fucking another person. Weíve only had sex once in the past 7 weeks. We were both drunk and it was rather uneventful. Neither of us spoke of it after.

One side of me really wants to continue because I think, if he is serious about making these changes and being a committed person, that we have a good chance to have a good relationship.

The other side doubts his sincerity and it hurts so goddamned much that I was duped into loving someone who didnít love me back. I thought I was a pretty good judge of character. I guess all of us here did, though. Reminding myself that I am in no way special has gotten me through a lot of the past 6 weeks.

How do I decide whether or not to continue? How do I stop losing my shit on him every night? Itís been 6 weeks. When do I stop this Jekyll and Hyde thing and start being my normal, rational, loving self again? I donít even remember the last time I cried or yelled or felt angry at person. It has now become a daily occurrence.

Also, because he is Japanese, the introduction to the family is quite important. His mother had a stroke 2 years ago and has been in recovery since. This past year, although Iíve never met her, she and I have been sending letters back and forth in English. In her past several letters, she made reference to being incredibly excited to meet me and become my mother in law. My boyfriend and I were meant to make the trip to his hometown in the next couple of months to meet the family. Of course, marriage is completely off the table now, and in the past week, I started thinking that he really should tell his family about this whole thing (but Iím still not sure whether I want him to tell because I donít want them asking where I am when he had been promising me, or if itís because I still donít feel like he has owned up to his actions enoughÖ). Should I make him tell his family? Or is that just a recipe for disaster?

Oh, and his cheating with the slutty ex-girlfriend also gave me HPV (warts) which I stupidly thought were skin tags until I finally put the pieces together.

I really need support right now. I have read so many threads on here in the past 6 weeks that I feel like Iíve become an infidelity expert. Not really something anyone expects to be able to throw on their CV though, is it? Sigh.

Any support is welcome. I need a hug and a beer right now. And a new set of eyes, if possible.

h0peless posted 10/2/2013 20:42 PM

I wish I had better advice for you but all I can say is that it seems that he has shown you who he is. Are you prepared to find out that this is just the tip of the iceberg? Do you really trust that he can change? Do you want to run the risk of going through a custody battle someday with a citizen of another country in their country?

It's easy for me to say this sitting alone in the comfort of my own couch, but if I were you, I would run as fast as you can.

jjct posted 10/2/2013 21:37 PM

My inner cv includes and agrees w hopeless. Autodidactictally.
gtfo. Just work on yourself.
Make yourself and your own healing journey your cv.
It's the awesomest thing.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/3/2013 07:44 AM

He was genuinely sorry (for being caught, or for what he did, Iím not convinced).

Honestly, those who TAPE their multiple indescretions and then USE them as jerking off tools aren't genuinely sorry about anything.

As another poster very smartly pointed out - he's SHOWN YOU who he is. You were given the gift of sight BEFORE marrying this man and getting bogged down with kids, financial entanglements and everything else that makes it impossible to move on with your life.

I wouldn't stay and I honestly believe you'll regret it deeply if you do.

Good luck to you.

tushnurse posted 10/3/2013 08:31 AM

Welcome, and sorry you get to be a member of this club.

As a veteran here I can honestly say I am all for R when it seems feesible, smart, or the best option. For you my dear I see none of these. This is a guy who while convincing you to M him is out banging someone else, and videotaping it, and then so crass doesn't even attempt to hide it? ! ?

I say run, run hard, run far, run fast, and don't look back. HPV/Warts, from only 2 times with this OW? I would make sure you get the full work up, for everything. I think there is much more to this mans poor behavior. He isn't sorry for what he did, he doesn't really even sorry for getting caught. He had an excuse and story ready to go. I hear nothing of him trying to make this better for you.

I say pack your bags, take a leave of abscence from your current job, head home, and send his sweet momma who is recovering from a stroke a letter saying that although you wanted nothing more than to meet her her son could not treat you with the love, honor, and respect you deserve.

You have every right to be mad, and angry. Hell I'm angry for you.

You will come out the other side of this stronger, wiser, and happier. It doesn't seem like it now, but trust us.

(((and strength)))

Pippy posted 10/3/2013 12:41 PM

My biggest concern with this whole thing is TRUST. Do you want to spend the rest of your life "wondering", looking over his shoulder, checking up on him?

Sorry, but the best I can offer is RUN.

MartlArts posted 10/4/2013 15:10 PM

I echo the others that you would be best served by a fresh start. I am so sorry. I know it hurts. You deserve so much better.

TrustGone posted 10/4/2013 15:30 PM

I unfortunately agree with the others. Any BF that would have sex and tape it while in a loving relationship has some serious issues. I think probably more than you even know about as of yet. Are you really prepared for what all this entails in the long run? Reconcilation is hard enough when you are married and/or have children together. Hell marriage is hard enough without infedlity thrown in on top of everything else. You deserve a relationship where the person respects you, don't ever settle for less than that. That is my advice to you, but in the end it is really up to you to decide what you want. (((HUGS)))

seekingright2013 posted 10/5/2013 14:21 PM


Awesome username, btw.

I join in the general chorus of leave this guy behind.

-- You aren't married
-- You don't have kids
-- You don't have a mortgage or other financial entanglements
-- You have a relatively brief relationship (2.5 years approximately?)

I am assuming you are fairly young, 20s or early 30s.

Listen to me. I'm 53. I would LOVE to be living in a foreign country, self-supporting, in my 20s or 30s, my whole life ahead of me.

Read some more in JFO. Read the heartbreaking stories of women who have infants or are pregnant and are dealing with this shitstorm. Do you want that to be you? NO. Of course not.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day you will look back and thank your lucky stars that you found this out about this guy NOW and not after you had a couple of kids.

He is showing you WHO HE IS. His actions show who he is. Not the pretty words.

Now here's the other thing I want you to think about. Do you know what opportunity cost is? In weighing if you want to continue the relationship, list what you are giving up if you continue the relationship.

-- The opportunity to heal starting now
-- The opportunity to meet other men who are worthy of you
-- Giving a cheater more time that YOU WILL NOT GET BACK if he betrays you again

Is it worth the risk??

You said your best friend had left Tokyo and I'm wondering if you have any other friends you can count on there or nearby.

Do you have anyone you can go stay with for awhile, while you get your head straight?

Is it his apt. or your apt.? Can you kick him out and afford the apt. on your own?

Are there resources available through your work? Don't know how this might work in Japan.

Is there an ex-pat community you are a part of?

Just being apart from this guy for a week or two would help you clear your head and think about what is right for YOU.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but it's a great place for support. Keep posting. Take what helps and leave the rest.

Don't waste your precious time and love on someone who consciously chose to cheat on you.


ETA: Who ever posted to get complete STD testing, Amen to that. HPV could be the tip of the iceberg.

The other thing -- cheaters lie. So who knows what the heck he's been up to. I sincerely doubt the "we just were together twice" -- mm hm. Sure, pal. Minimizing is right out of the cheater's handbook.

Please post and let us know how you're doing.

[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 2:30 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

lostcovenants posted 10/5/2013 17:17 PM

I have to agree with the others - run. If I had opened my eyes wider 36 years ago when my ws admitted to visiting prostitutes within the first year of our marriage, I wouldn't be here today after his 4 yr A wondering if I have WASTED my life. DONT BE ME.

Here is your hug. (((The numberis42))).

Wish that really was the answer to everything - but the answer now is RUN.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/5/2013 22:57 PM

i agree...leave today. tell him you miss your friend and need to think...go stay with friend and don't come back until you decide.

from an outsider--it looks like the best decision is to ditch him. but, i am not you so i don't know.

don't worry about his family. they will move on and forget. obviously he had other serious relationships they moved on from. MIL with accept it...don't worry.

SeanFLA posted 10/6/2013 13:24 PM

As another poster very smartly pointed out - he's SHOWN YOU who he is. You were given the gift of sight BEFORE marrying this man and getting bogged down with kids, financial entanglements and everything else that makes it impossible to move on with your life.

If I were you I would hear this ^^^^^
Maybe you should take a serious break from him. Since you don't have pressing family issues, you have all the time to think about it. And give him time to sort out his own issues. It usually does help. But the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Personally I don't think I could get past the whole STD thing. NOT a great way to start off a marriage in any way.

Try to treat this infidelity as a gift from him. You know who he is now, rather than later after you've vested 100% into a marriage, etc.

StillStanding1 posted 10/6/2013 13:41 PM

I am so on board with everything stated above.

I know it's hard. You still have feelings for him. It's hard to believe that this might just not work out after all.

Please read and re-read the advice above. Get. Out. Now.

You have many options available to you and your life is still just starting. It will be hard to break it off. We understand. But better now than later.

Please. Be kind to yourself. Do yourself the biggest favor you will end up never regretting. Just go. He is not worth your effort. Truly.

Sorry you are here....

theansweris42 posted 10/6/2013 18:08 PM

Hi, everyone.

Thank you all for your thoughtful advice. I have read all of it and, of course, am taking it seriously.

Of course, when I read my own writing, I think "how the hell am I even considering staying with this guy?"

I am considering it, due to the endless talks that we've had for the past 6 weeks. We've been to counselling and set a 6 month deadline to see where we are at. If things aren't looking up, then we'll say goodbye.

Can I ask your advice on a related question? You've been so good to me already.

Through this entire situation, the OWH hasn't factored into the equation at all. Last night I had one of those familiar moments where something popped into my head and then I obsessed about it incessantly and started talking to my boyfriend about it (which then escalated into a fight).

Should the OWH

theansweris42 posted 10/6/2013 18:14 PM

Accidentally posted, oops.

Should the OWH know?

My point of view: yes, he deserves to know. He's married now to her, less than a year in and deserves to know the truth about his cheating wife's behaviour. If they love each other, they'll work it out, if they don't, they'll divorce.

His point of view: he shouldn't know. Maybe they are happy now, and maybe she changed her behaviour now that she's married. Telling him will cause more damage than it will do good.


headdesk posted 10/6/2013 19:00 PM

I'd tell. You can't have a solid marriage if your foundation is crumbled.

theansweris42 posted 10/6/2013 21:47 PM

Posted that new question in the Reconciliation forum. I apologise for the cross post.

tushnurse posted 10/7/2013 13:38 PM

Wow that's straight out of the cheaters handbook. No DON"T tell the Other Spouse, they are happy,, he's abusive, he's suicidal, whatever line of bullshit they can come up with.

If it were you, not knowing, wouldn't you want to have someone be kind enough to tell you? YES. How can you have a happy good relationship when your partner is out making porn tapes with her old boyfriend? You may think it's happy, but it isn't.

Don't tell him you are going to tell, just do it. This was something that I was cheated out of in the whole R process, and it still irks me a bit. Of course in our situation he had to know, My H was number 3 in her line of A's. Charming.

((((and strength))))

momentintime posted 10/7/2013 14:15 PM

It takes 2 - 5 years to recover from infidelity. You are only 6 weeks out. Don't expect to resolve anything in the short term.

He had 10 sex tapes? Does that sound like he was with her only 2 times? Not likely. He is covering his butt. He would rather lie to you and save himself, than have you know the info you need to make a life stay or leave. He is all about himself (and saving OW..don't tell her BS). Of course he wants to contain the repercussions of their cheating.

He gave you an STD, he lied to you by omission , and was cheating from the get-go. He wants to protect OW. How does this behavior make him desirable in your eyes? Run and count your blessings you found out now.

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