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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: Week-end with my parents
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents haven't been too supportive of my decision to stay with WH. They offered to give me $100k towards a new house and to help with the payments if I moved out. They offered to move near me to help with the kids. And I DO appreciate those offers, I really DO.

Because of the support my parents were willing to give me I feel like I was able to make a choice independent of finances. But I didn't leave WH.

WH came out of the fog with a vengeance and has been a great H for a change. The kids are doing better than ever (during his 2 yr affair my DD started having a lot of anxiety and needed counseling/she's very empathetic and a bit prescient).

So now we're a bit more than a year out of trying to put it all back together. My parents, who used to be big fans of WH, have let us both know how they now feel about WH. They worry that I'm miserable all the time and that the kids really would be better off in a happy but single parent house.

I don't let their opinions sway me. I figure that this is my life and my kids' lives and they don't play a huge role in it all, so I've talked to them on the phone weekly, sent snapshots of our vacations, but have not felt the need to subject WH to a week of Christmas at their house or some awkward family Thanksgiving.

I guess they finally figured out that this is the new reality and they are coming down for Veteran's Day week-end. They are staying in a hotel and we are staying at my brother's house (two blocks away), and EVERYBODY sans kids knows everything.

My anxiety is starting to flare. WH is down for whatever. Any tips?? Anyone have similar experiences? Does anyone have advice from years out?


Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2012
Lowlow
♀ 38653
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you gets to decide the fate of your marriage. I'm sure your parents are well meaning, but they should not interfere with you and your decisions. I hope, for your sake, that they begin to accept your choices.

Know, no matter how they feel, you have a community of people who care about you.

Hugs


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2013
seekingright2013
♀ 37991
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a random thought -- has your husband apologized to your parents ??? Even if he has, it might take more than one attempt for your parents to 'feel' it. Maybe a letter from him before the family weekend to express his sorrow for hurting their daughter, he is manning up to his commitment to you and their grandchildren etc etc.

On the plus side for you, knowing your folks had your back with the offer to move, the $100 K wow. Lots of us here would love to have that deal! I am glad things are going well with your husband ... Hope the family weekend goes well.


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I think your husband needs to talk with your parents and apologize for the hurt he caused all of you. Then its up to your parents as to how they deal with him.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1667 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
anewday78
♂ 39357
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps it's time you and your husband have a sit-down with your parents where he apologizes, face-to-face, to them. Before you say, "he did this to me and it's between him and me only," remember that your children are always your children. There's nothing a (good) parent wouldn't do for their children and your parents have obviously demonstrated that during the hard times. So you, your husband, and the kids have had some time to process this and start your healing. It seems like you've made some great progress. It's time to bring some healing to the table for your parents.

Along with an apology from your husband, why not open up the lines of communication and emphatically state your terms - 1. We ARE going to work this out 2. We DO want and need your support 3. We EXPECT you to respect our decision to keep our family intact etc. Maybe all they need to heal are the same kinds of answers and accountability you sought when this was still very fresh for you.

I hope all works out for you. Don't allow your relationship with parents who (from your description) sound to be very supportive and loving to deteriorate because of this ugly situation you're overcoming - bring them on-board with the healing.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
♂ 39357
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. I just read the replies from the other posters after I posted mine. It seems there's a common theme here, don't you think? I respectfully disagree with LowLow - you're parents have already proven that they were ready, willing, and able to step-up at a time when you needed support the most. They offered you the kind of unconditional love and support above and beyond any this fine community could have even offered you - the kind that only a parent can provide.

Your husband DOES owe them an explanation and a sincere, heartfelt apology.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Pippy
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a situation like that in my family - a female cousin.

Grandchildren are a great glue for keeping families together. At first my cousin's parents refused to let her husband in their home when they R.

But time is a great healer and when 2 grandchildren were born a year apart, that sealed the reconciliation with her parents.

However, the parents just "tolerate" having her husband around and feelings are still stressed. He doesn't go to their house, but they come to his to babysit their grandchildren.

I think a good sit down and face-to-face talk is what is needed to clear the air and that is what should happen in your situation too.

Don't deprive your kids of holiday dinners with their grandparents.



I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did do the face-to face apology last year. He went by himself to their hotel room and owned up to everything, didn't blame shift, told them how he was changing.

It was just a lot. I had/have stage 3 cancer, we have a daughter with chronic illness, no matter what he says his actions verge on the unforgivable.

I hope time will make it better, as for next month??


Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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