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User Topic: I feel like an idiot
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like a total idiot.

For my entire engagement, coming on here and telling my story, many many people encouraged me not to get married. I did anyway.

It has been two months. The cheating has stopped (to my knowledge)- but the relationship is completely sullied and spoiled in so many ways and I feel it may be beyond repair. Some of the origins are because of the cheating- some not.

I think I am coming to terms with the fact that when my husband cheated, I changed as a person. I was forced to examine where my boundaries are, what exactly I am comfortable with and not, and where exactly my lines were. When communicating this to my husband, he agreed with me. But as time goes on, it seems that his "agreements" were actually him just telling me what he knew I wanted to hear, and hoping I would get over it and go back to the way I was when we first met- more accepting. That hasn't happened.

The biggest problem, however, is that we do not work as a team. EVERYTHING between us is "you" vs "me" and in terms or "right" vs "wrong" instead of finding solutions and working together.

We bought a house and are supposed to move this weekend. He has done no packing. I have done some, but still have work to do. Normally when it comes to these things (packing to go on vacation, planning etc...) I do everything. This time, I have left his stuff to him and done half of the mutual stuff, and all of my daughter's stuff. And this week, there has been a growing tension and resentment from both of us as he sees me packing my clothes in boxes and wondering when I am going to cave and just to his clothes too... And me not caving and wondering when he is going to get off his ass and start helping out.

Tonight, it finally came to a head. Tomorrow he has the day off and has invited a friend of his over to help him pack. He got all angry at me because my dad and I have plans to go to the house tomorrow and reaping the bathroom (I don't like the color, and there are some holes in the wall- easily fixed, but we will have to pain over where we fixed them anyway) and my daughter's bedroom. I wanted to do painting before we move in- that way we don't have to move around furniture, and then it is done and we can just enjoy the house. He takes this to mean that the house isn't good enough. I'm not sure where this interpretation come from, but we are feuded about that. We argued about the organization- he wants to stick a big futon in what is supposed to be a playroom for my daughter, and he wants to have it facing the closet. He wants to have an extra sofa in the spare bedroom because that is where he is going to set up his gaming systems and play his video games, and he intends on having guests sleep in the spare room when they come to stay as well. I don't think it makes sense to have guests sleep on a sofa, when there is a pull out full size comfortable futon. We fought about that. I don't think the dining room table we have now is going to fit in the new one. I suggested instead of moving it (it is heavy) that we leave it at the condo and sell it on craigslist from the condo. Let someone else worry about moving it instead of us having to. He disagrees, so we fought about that. When he didn't have anything else to disagree with me about, he decided to go ahead and yell at me about how yesterday he asked me to make sure I threw his work clothes in the laundry so he had clean ones today. I picked up a big pile of his work clothes, didn't go through them, and washed them, apparently there weren't any shirts in that pile. I don't know what that has to do with anything or why he brought it up, but he did.

I ended it by saying nothing, getting up and going to take a shower, I got out of the shower and he was already asleep on the sofa. This is the 15th time in the TWO MONTHS we have men married in which he has ended up choosing to sleep on the couch for one reason or another. I came to bed and have been in tears ever since, thinking to myself, "why, why didn't anyone tell me that this would be such a disaster, and that it was probably not going to work?" And then I remembered I heard it for months, right here for many of you, and just chose to stick my head in the sand and not listen.

I have half my stuff in boxes, and I have a new house that we have tons of money invested in and I don't want to go ANYWHERE with this man right now, there is nothing he can say. We've had sex (sexual relations I like Clinton included) a total of 3 times in our marriage. I'm halfway through changing my last name. I just sent out all my thank yous, and ordered a wedding photo book.

And it might get better for a few days, he might wake up in the morning and apologize and we might be okay for a short while- but in the long run, he is him and I am me and therein lies the problem. It's like fire and ice having a fight.

I feel like an idiot. That was all I wanted to say.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
MrsDoubtfire
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like neither of you know how to work as a team. There should be no me and him in a M only we.

You might benefit from MC.

I get the hint that it's your daughter and not his? Does him wanting the futon in her bedroom make you feel he doesn't consider her feelings at all? That would be a huge flag to me as, if he can't treat her with as much respect as he would if she were his own flesh and blood, then I wouldn't even have M him!

For this to work in the long run you guys need to put some serious work in. It's not admitting defeat to get MC so early in a M. I think it would be foolish not to based on what you've relayed in your post.

I hope things get better and you can find some common ground.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1588 | Registered: Jul 2009
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD is mine, not his. He has known her since he was two. When we first started dating, I made it clear that DD already has a dad (however unreliable he is with money and towards me, he does see her every other weekend and I don't see that changing anytime soon), and I am not looking for someone to completely take over that parenting role for her. Before H and I lived together, he saw DD but he didn't have to do any driving, help pay for anything, etc...

When we first moved in, he was helpful (watched her on days off, helped pay for some stuff) but then also had mixed feelings about it. He has a BIG ass issue that has caused multiple fights (one with me going home and sleeping on the sofa at mom and dad's house) because he refuses to drive DD to school in the morning. He likes to stay up late, goof around, drink, and get up as late as possible in the morning. He works in the same city that DD has daycare. I work in the next city close by, about 10 minutes away. So instead of driving straight to work in the morning, I have to go a round about way and leave twenty minutes earlier. On many mornings, it would be more convenient for him to drive DD to daycare, but he has given every single excuse in the book not to do so, because utlimately it would not be as convenient for him.

He will, however pick her up on his way home at times that I have to work later or if he gets off early.

He considers her his (calls her his daughter, etc...).

As far as the futon thing- I think we have different visions as far as space goes. I don't think it has to do with him not wanting DD to have a play room or not considering her his daughter- it's that he wants more furniture overall, whereas I feel that less is better. I would rather DD have an open room for her space and toys, than put a couch in that area and take up the space. Additionally, I feel that it's not a good place for a sofa anyway. The room is hard to describe but essentially it is not a bedroom...it's an open area that is ultimately part of the hallway between the two upstairs bedrooms. There is a huge closet lining the two walls. He wants to put the futon in that nook area...I don't see how a futon even goes there. Anyone sitting on it would be looking right at a closet. There is no wall to put a TV or anything on- so who is even going to use it other than people who come over and spend the night? AND if he seems to think we will have all these guests spending the night all the time...it makes more sense to have a futon that can be made into a bed in the GUEST ROOM instead of just a couch. But no, that is less comfortable for him. So here we are...

I have suggested marriage counseling many many times (including a lot of times before we got married) and he refuses to go. I guess I could schedule an appt. and just tell him I'm taking him to ice cream and surprise him...but I feel that's even worse.

The whole thing is a disaster and I am so mad. This morning, I told him that I wasn't going to paint at the new house...he got mad at me for that as well. I'm in trouble if I do paint and in trouble if I don't? Well then what the heck am I supposed to be doing?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BB)))
You my dear are in a tough spot. You know that your unhappiness stems from his complete and total lack of remorse, and poor behavior. You feel stuck now that you have made this step with buying the new house.

He has found reasons to fight with you over stupid meaningless stuff. Why? He is displacing his anger. His choice to not sleep with you, and the fights are red flags to me, not only that he hasn't been remorseful, but that he may still in fact be cheating, thinking of cheating, or still in contact with his AP.

What consequences did he have when you caught him, other than you being sad, and and him having to deal with that? Are you checking up on him? Are you sure he is behaving?

He should be doing anything any everything to make you happy at this point, and to help you heal.

You are in a tough spot for sure, but until he has some real consequences for his actions, I am afraid you are stuck in this limbo land.

(((((and strength))))

ETA: YOU ARE NOT A FOOL. Do not feel about this. You were just trying to do what your heart felt was right.
Don't beat yourself up for his hideous behavior.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 10:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Blameitontherain
♀ 37476
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Navigating newly married is hard. I really don't understand the term honeymoon phase because it is hard work learning to think and work like a team. Add the under currents of infidelity and it is a big recipe for disaster.

You need help. So what you didn't listen to the advice on SI before? You can't change the past. Listen now.... Go to marriage counseling if you WH is willing. I hope he is. Both of you need the help. IC for both of you if you can swing it.

As hard as it is, try talking honestly and not in anger with him in the mean time. He isn't a mind reader and if you have always done everything is the past, he will expect that still.

Wow just read your update as I had only read your first post. Sweetie the red flags are all there before you got married. If you really want to stay with this guy, he has to want to change. You can't change him. You can't try for both of you.., it will never work.

You are not a fool. This isn't your fault. He told you what you wanted to hear to manipulate you to going ahead with the marriage. That is on him. If he won't go to mc, then go to IC. It will help you get stronger and come to terms with making the hard decisions if things don't get better.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 10:24 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not an idiot. You made decisions without the honest truth from a man, using your story, who seems to not yet be mature enough to really act like a man. He seems to be very immature. Do you have the time to raise another child because you have teenager on your hands.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has done no packing. I have done some, but still have work to do. Normally when it comes to these things (packing to go on vacation, planning etc...) I do everything.

If you normally do all the packing, then he's used to it. If you didn't outright say 'I am not packing your things, i will only be packing DD's and My own" then that's setting yourself up for tension.

By not voicing your expectectations in a mature manner - you just stressed yourself out by expecting him to do what you never told him to do.

he wants to stick a big futon in what is supposed to be a playroom for my daughter,

Was this agreed to when the house was bought in the first place? Is this what you both sat down and decided for that extra space? Why can't she just have her room to play in?

It really sounds like you are both picking stupid silly fights when the elephant in the room is still there pissing you off.

You need to communicate to him what you need and what you expect. You also need to realize that this is BOTH of yours house now, so there needs to be some give and take. Don't disreguard any suggestion that he throws out just because you might not like the idea.

And just because you have only been married a few months, doesnt mean that MC isn't a good choice, because it is. you have been together for a while, so its not like the relationship is new.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an appointment with my counselor on Friday, and an appointment with my attorney next week. I haven't made any decisions- but I want to know how expensive my options are and have some legal advice.

I still check up on H- he is very open about everything. His OP's in the past were women that he spoke with and sexted from online- none of them were people that he ever kept in touch with beyond one sexting session. I'm not concerned necessarily about the cheating...just some of the problems that stem from that, and other problems are coming to a head once again.

I just...I thought was getting a partner and a teammate. Apparantly for me, marriage is "do everything yourself while I sit on my ass and complain no matter what you do." Seriously- he is so mad about PAINTING A BATHROOM and fixing a wall that he sleeps on the sofa. Then, this morning when I say I don't paint...I'm in throuble for that as well too. Well darn it, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My abusive ex pulled the same kind of garbage and did so as a way to control and maniuplate me into questioning myself. I have no idea what H's angle is, but the fact that I strongly believe at this point that he HAS an angle speaks volumes to me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to speak up and call him out on this nonesense.

We have a rule in our M, that we do not sleep apart unless we are physically not in the same city. During the A H always found an excuese to sleep on the couch, and it was usually after some inane argument, making me feel like I was the one in the wrong. Meaning, if you painting a bathroom and fixing a wall has him in a twist you need to call bullshit, and ask for an explanation to his behavior, and as to why he thinks it's ok to sleep on the couch.

His anger is out of proportion to what's currently going on. Then you add in the fact that you aren't having sex? ? ? Is he a SA? Is he masturbating to porn? The whole on line thing makes me wonder, and then the choosing to sleep away from you gives him the opportunity to masturbate. If this is the case he has some serious intimacy issues, and needs help.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you didn't outright say 'I am not packing your things, i will only be packing DD's and My own" then that's setting yourself up for tension.

By not voicing your expectectations in a mature manner - you just stressed yourself out by expecting him to do what you never told him to do.

I did outright tell him. I told him he was responsible for his own clothes in both closets. How much more clear could I have been?

Was this agreed to when the house was bought in the first place? Is this what you both sat down and decided for that extra space?

...yes.

The two upstairs bedrooms in the new house doesn't have closets in the bedrooms. Instead, there is a big open area in between the two rooms, and there is a long, big closet along the back wall. When we saw that room, we discussed MULTIPLE times how that open area would be perfect for an open play area for DD. Since her clothing will be in that closet anyway... we thought it would be nice for her to have the extra space. We have been in the home many many times and every single one of those times, we have discussed amongst ourselves that the space would be great to put DD's larger toys and whatnot in...we have even had this conversation in the house with other people (my parents and his grandparents came to the inspection with us). So again, I am not sure where the misunderstanding would have happened on my part- I was extremely clear and have been the entire time.

It isn't as though I saw the house and had a bunch of visions and decided to do stuff randomly without speaking to him first. To me, it feels like he up and changed his mind and didn't tell me, but expected me to know, and then just go along with his random mind change without discussing it even though his ideas are not making sense to me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pippy
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This situation is all due to unresolved anger issues and until they are resolved, things will just get worse.

Do what YOU want to do. He did.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just asking those questions to get a better picture.

There is alot of "i thought, he should have known, why didnt he think to do this" and the problem with that is you are projecting onto him what YOU would do....not realizing that he doesn't do things the way you would.

From the post he sounds like a lazy ass....was he this way before you were married?


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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