Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

She died

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

wobbly127 posted 10/3/2013 03:10 AM

I'm the WH. About a decade ago, I had a short affair with OP. It was over fairly quickly. I confessed to my wife and we moved past it. One thing-- we never did the NC thing, and OP became one of my best friends. For almost a decade. When I had a job open up halfway across the country, OP drove me there, And though we slept together on the road, we did it by "bundling" -- and slept. She slept under the blankets, I slept on top of them. When I had a stroke, OP taught me to walk and drive all over again.
In short, OP became one of the foundations of my life. W knew about her, and even though not her favorite person, W accepted a growing friendship.

The friendship that grew did so flouting conventional wisdom-- WH and OP are not supposed to find any real friendship; when the sex dries up, so does the relationship; there's nothing there to build on; yada yada yada.

But we built something. Not sure what, but it lasted a decade. With W's help it lasted. I've been married 38 years. And friends with OP for 10.
About 4 years ago, OP left town, moved to the midwest, and as I sorta expected, got a little more distant as she settled in with her new man.
Then 3 months ago, she moved in with her old roomie a state away. I visited her 3 times there. And yes, wife knew and approved. And silly stories from W and OP fueled happy laughter on both sides. W was OP's roomie's favorite joke-- about the battles we had with bugs, or the funny restaurant stories I'd write and send, we had fun. And in an open way.

Then last week, OP died. I got a call from roomie-- and she was somber (usually a bit funny) and OP had died in her sleep. I'm still devastated. W lent me her big car and told me I could pay for funeral. I got back Tuesday. But three days talking to and about dead people. I brought back some of the things we'd given her, and some of the things we/I had inherited. But it feels like a hole opened in my life.

W is being supportive; but I know it's hard because this early on, OP is all i can seem to talk about. I keep hoping I'll get a call from the lady saying "Gotcha, didn't I?" but i know that's just crazy thinking. One of the rocks in my life is gone.

I know this isn't how it's supposed to go. And even though the A has been over for almost a decade, OP was someone I loved, and still love.
Damnit, a 47 yr old is not supposed to die :(

W and I are both 60. But it taught me something. Not a one of the tomorrows we take for granted is guaranteed. And I took some extra time to let W know she's loved. And even though it's a sad time for me, I am trying to show W some of the good parts of life and the world. And I talked about how there may not be tomorrow. And I make sure that I'm letting her know that she's extra-special.

Oh gawd. I'm rambling.

Take care all.

tired girl posted 10/3/2013 08:17 AM

Have you ever sat down and talked to your wife and asked her about how she felt about your friendship with this woman? If she could have chose would she have chosen to not have her in your life?

trappe25 posted 10/3/2013 12:20 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

wobbly127 posted 10/3/2013 14:08 PM

Tired girl--
I spent a long time thinking about what you had said. If the only thing that OP was in my life was a roll in the hay, if the only thing we got out of it was some nights of passion-- it wouldn't be an issue. The affair was over a while before I came clean. But by that time, OP was very much a friend of mine. And the affair had been over a good while.
OP helped our family. She did amazing things about my stroke.
She would do things like just "favors." some I'd have been embarrassed to ask anyone else. Drove me across country to get a job. Offered me money when my car broke. And came home to die.
I wish she hadn't died. And wife too. W offered a home to her cats; she allowed me to pay for OW's funeral. Lent me her car so I could help "take down" OW's apartment. We talked and I'm working to bring some closure to OW's kids.
So, perhaps OW is not W's favorite. But on the whole, W, like me, thinks OW is a net positive.

Apple3point14 posted 10/4/2013 12:49 PM

I truly find it amazing that you found a way to convince yourself it was okay choose to remain in contact and even sleep in the same bed as the woman who helped break your wife's heart. you say she's a good friend to you and your wife. It sounds like you are in fantasy land, it also seems you have limited insight (generous). Truth be told, I doubt your wife really in her heart feels that way. I imagine you bullied(intentionally or not) your wife into thinking that was okay, accepting the friendship, and just doing what you want without thinking about her. I sincerely hope that you gain a little insight and finally help your wife.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 6:14 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

sunnyrain posted 10/5/2013 08:36 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort, with time, in the memories you have of your friend.

ladfa posted 11/6/2013 19:39 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:33 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.