I’ve read through many posts, i think I spend half of every day reading through the different forums. One thing that seems consistent is that It takes a long time, on average 3-6 years, for the BS to not necessarily get past, but get close to how things used to be before the A and even then it might not 90% of what it used to be.
Is it fair for me to want her to go through this rollercoaster ride I forced her onto and then have her go through years of battling through the thoughts, the depression and face the man who broke her heart daily? I want nothing more than for us to reconcile but many have said even after couples decide to reconcile they will have lows and the BS will have a hard time learning to forgive and allowing her to trust etc.
If I let her be will she not be able to start afresh sooner? Without me in her face and space will she not heal sooner and better? Sure she might not trust the next man she meets but she won’t have to deal with the fact that he betrayed her like I did. She will know that she can’t hold him accountable for my actions. We are not married but I whole heartedly and honestly want no-one besides her but I think It’s selfish for me to require that she sacrifice so much to someone she isn’t even married to, yet. I would never say this to her because I don’t want to place these thoughts in her head, I don’t want to lose her. It’s almost like that “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours” theory. I know she loved me but with the A having happened she wouldn’t come back. Before this happened I had never cheated on anyone and was of the notion that I wouldn’t do it and see it as an unforgivable action, so can I expect more of her If I potentially wouldn’t have forgiven her if the roles were reversed?
I’m so confused
Many of us think we'd react a certain way if this or that happened. We never know until we're in a position.
I always said I'd leave the marriage before I cheated. My H said that he'd never stay if I cheated.
Here we are, 6 years out, and fully reconciled.
Don't project onto your BF, trust her in her own thought processes and work on yourself.
“He knows that you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy.”
I would never say this to her because I don’t want to place these thoughts in her head, I don’t want to lose her.
Of course you don't want to lose her. You know how you might? Avoiding honest communication.
Show her your vulnerability. Tell her what your fears are; tell her what you want. Authenticity is not a part time gig.
Also, any thought that you think you might be putting in her head has most likely been there already.
