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Reconciliation seems unfair

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Unworthyme posted 10/3/2013 05:39 AM

My BF has started talking to me again although things are very new sheís trying.

Iíve read through many posts, i think I spend half of every day reading through the different forums. One thing that seems consistent is that It takes a long time, on average 3-6 years, for the BS to not necessarily get past, but get close to how things used to be before the A and even then it might not 90% of what it used to be.

Is it fair for me to want her to go through this rollercoaster ride I forced her onto and then have her go through years of battling through the thoughts, the depression and face the man who broke her heart daily?
I want nothing more than for us to reconcile but many have said even after couples decide to reconcile they will have lows and the BS will have a hard time learning to forgive and allowing her to trust etc.

If I let her be will she not be able to start afresh sooner?
Without me in her face and space will she not heal sooner and better?
Sure she might not trust the next man she meets but she wonít have to deal with the fact that he betrayed her like I did.
She will know that she canít hold him accountable for my actions.
We are not married but I whole heartedly and honestly want no-one besides her but I think Itís selfish for me to require that she sacrifice so much to someone she isnít even married to, yet.
I would never say this to her because I donít want to place these thoughts in her head, I donít want to lose her.
Itís almost like that ďIf you love someone, set them free. If they come back theyíre yoursĒ theory. I know she loved me but with the A having happened she wouldnít come back.
Before this happened I had never cheated on anyone and was of the notion that I wouldnít do it and see it as an unforgivable action, so can I expect more of her If I potentially wouldnít have forgiven her if the roles were reversed?

Iím so confused

authenticnow posted 10/3/2013 05:46 AM

These are her decisions to make. If you want R, keep working on you and rebuilding trust within yourself and with her.

Many of us think we'd react a certain way if this or that happened. We never know until we're in a position.

I always said I'd leave the marriage before I cheated. My H said that he'd never stay if I cheated.

Here we are, 6 years out, and fully reconciled.

Don't project onto your BF, trust her in her own thought processes and work on yourself.

Unworthyme posted 10/3/2013 07:00 AM

Thanks @authenticnow I know I' projecting and you're right. I cant take the one right she has in deciding what to do from her after having taken so much already. I'm working on myself and we'll hopefully go throuh IC and CC to get back on form as individuals and a couple.

SadScientist posted 10/16/2013 21:11 PM

I remember having these same questions after my STBX BH found out about my A. I didn't want to keep causing him pain, but I also knew that it would be absolutely unfair for me to have created this pain, and then leave him alone to deal with it. I finally asked him what he wanted me to do. He said that he wanted to try to R. Eventually he came to the realization that he couldn't get past it while being married to me. He filed for divorce 2 weeks ago, and moved out 2 days ago. While I'm dying inside, he can now move forward with his life with a clear mind, knowing that he gave it an honest effort.
So after all of that rambling, what I'm trying to say is to ask her what she wants. She may not even know at this point. Your A destroyed her, and she had no say in that decision. Empower her, and let her make the decision on how she wants to heal, and on a timeline of her choosing.

Steppenwolf posted 10/16/2013 22:23 PM

Try to avoid predicting the future. Keep working on yourself. Be honest with her and communicate.
IMO, this is not healthy:

I would never say this to her because I donít want to place these thoughts in her head, I donít want to lose her.

Of course you don't want to lose her. You know how you might? Avoiding honest communication.

Show her your vulnerability. Tell her what your fears are; tell her what you want. Authenticity is not a part time gig.

Also, any thought that you think you might be putting in her head has most likely been there already.

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