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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: For those who haven't told the other BS-
cuppacoffee
♀ 39313
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does it eat you up every day that you haven't?

At first I didn't because I didn't know better and after the husband told the skankface NC she fired back threatening his job and life if he told. I was scared. I"m a SAHM.

Well now he doesn't work for that company any more. But it's been almost 5 months since d day.

It eats me up every single day that I haven't told the OBS. Is it too late? I have nightmares that they have gotten engaged and I'm too late to tell him.

I'm worried to that since she's finally not contacted us since July that she will again and I don't want to deal with that. And of course the husband doesn't think we need to ruin the OBS life by telling but truthfully I feel like we are if we don't tell.

If I would have been just dating the husband and I found out he cheated I would have left his sorry ass..


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
PrincessPeach06
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't. I tried but couldn't find any contact info and stupidly tried OW who gave me a false number. Of course she was married 5 months ago and now is in a relationship with the man whose number she did give me (WTF!?!?). She is a piece of work and honestly I don't care anymore.

I don't think it's ever too late though.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
hitbyatruck
♀ 23769
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had more than one affair. Only one with a Married other woman. I didn't tell. H would have lost his career, I am also a SAHM. I wasn't willing to risk his job and health insurance that I really really need. My kids come first and bottom line is I will do what is best for them.

I have more reasons as well but anyway...I did not feel bad. My H wasn't her first or last affair. He H kicked her out about a year after the affair anyway. I don't know why. I focused on my family.

Nothing is fair about infidelity- NOTHING.

IF IF IF another one of his OW were married and not tied to his work I might have told.

Do what is right for you, what you can live with.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only 2 of my H's OW had a SO. One was married and her H knew. I have messages between him and my H discussing how good his wife was so that's confirmed. The other SO is daddy to 6 or OW's 7 babies. They have been off and on for years. They recently got engaged and I considered telling. It had been over a year since there was any contact and 2 years since the end of the A. I decided not to tell. Mostly because OW is crazy. I knew telling her F would result in contact from her and I'd rather she leave me and my family alone forever. Protecting my family was more important to me.

Posts: 1172 | Registered: Jan 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Cuppa, today's you're lucky day.

It's NEVER TOO LATE to the tell the BS.

And now, you don't have to worry about it having an adverse affect on your husband's job or your family's financial security.

It's the right thing to do, Cuppa. You found out about the affair and that afforded you the opportunity to make informed choices about your own life, your marriage, and your family's future. It's only right that the BH is afforded the SAME consideration as you.

To not tell him is to keep her dirty secret FOR her.

Please tell him.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's not too late to inform the other BS. I wish I had had the nerve to let the BH know when I suspected, I know he had a gut feeling too as I did, but I think we were both scared to voice our fears.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9899 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
cuppacoffee
♀ 39313
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's really affecting me mentally. I can't sleep at night and I get so angry about it.

I don't think the husband is in the fog about protecting her. Deep down I think he's afraid his old work friends will find out.

I just don't think I could live with myself if they got married and I never informed him. Trust me my husband is no saint and neither am I but this poor guy thinks he has the most faithful awesome girlfriend on earth and that's not the case.

Sorry but good faithful girls don't offer up blow jobs or carry condoms when she's on the shot and her bf lives 2 hours away. I think she went with my husband because she figured being married he'd never tell and she'd be safe.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said, it is not too late. It took me almost eight months. I chose to believe my H, who chose to believe the MCOW, that she had told her H and he didn't care. Yeah, I was dumb.

I really regret that it took me so long. I regret that the other BS didn't know what was really going on, when I could have enlightened him. And it was the most effective thing I did to stab the lingering life out of the A.

It's hard to do. I was in a place of huge anger -- the MCOW came to our house, while our son was there, and was a crazy mess. That gave me the push I needed. I wish I had pushed myself earlier. I hope you can be a better and stronger person than I was.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Sep 2012
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ultimately no we never told the OBS. Of course AP was an attorney with a trust fund slightly smaller in worth than the federal deficit, and she had underhandedly threatened H with suit of Libel, and slander should we tell, of course at the time he was out of work, and we were living off my salary. My H was number 3 in her line of A's, and she had a similar Modus Operandi, so I seriously doubt that he didn't know on some level, and if he didn't he chose to put his head in the sand.

About 7-8 months post Dday, she tried to contact my H again, He let loose on her. Said to leave him the hell alone, that she was a sad pathetic pos, and that he felt sorry for her BS, and that if she contacted him ever again he would drive to their city, and his work, and inform him face to face, with enough proof that he would be able confirm it as truth. That was it, never heard from her again.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8898 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Hope2B
♀ 40474
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In most cases, I think it's always better to know, because then a person can go ahead and make decisions based on knowledge, instead of having some major piece of the puzzle missing.

HOWEVER, if informing someone will come back to bite you, such as if your WS might lose a job (and health insurance!) over it, and that will affect your income, your ability to pay bills, which will in turn affect your children & your and your children's health care coverage, and jeopardize income for the rent/housepayments & bills on the home you've made for you and the kiddos, then I wouldn't tell.

Chances are if the other person has had an A, they've probably had more than one A with other persons.

Is there any way you can inform the other person anonymously? Like using one of those re-mailing places so the postmark isn't from your town or even your state? Or could you use one of those places that will make phone calls for a fee? --but only if you could get away with it and not have this info pointed back at you.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth/DDays: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
He had a 7 year LTA, thought she was just a girl down on her luck & he was her KISA

Posts: 374 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bided my time. WH thought that OW was a bunny boiler, so I waited until he had left that job to send a note to her BF -- about 6mo after DD. WH was very much against this, so he doesn't know I did it. (The only way he would know is if she told him, soooooo....) I have no idea what ensued, but it made me feel better.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Deanna
♀ 26854
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not tell other BS. DDay all hell broke loose and her husband found out that our spouses kissed. She minimized the affair. Told me I was overreacting, etc. I am sure husband doesn't know the whole story. The husband has rug swept in the past so I know he wouldn't have believed me!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
DecimatedHeart
♀ 37657
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell. OW is a manic depressive with a gun fetish. She scares me. But it eats me up. I wish I felt I could tell him without endangering my family.


Me, BS 43
Him WH 43 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 25 years
DD14 - the love of my life

DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
DDay#5 10/8/14 - caught him reading an "old" email from OW.

D seems like the only option.


Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2012
cuppacoffee
♀ 39313
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW was more like an OG she was fresh out of college and 23. The husband complained to her about how he had only been with me and he always wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone else. She decided to help him out.

I don't know if she's been the OW before but it wouldn't surprise me if she cheated on her bf again. Just not with my husband!


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still struggle with it.

I'm also a SAHM and I worried about MrH's job. If he went after MrH personally or physically, I didn't care. I worried about my kids and what would happen if the BH went after MrH's job. As a contractor, he didn't have the job security xOw2 has as staff.

I knew they were getting a D (I had proof of it through online public records). So I just kept putting it off. I'd ask here and not really get any answers.

Even now, sometimes I wonder...should I tell him so he knows what happened at the end of his M?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11339 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
headdesk
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell, but the OW is separated (but living in same house, different areas of it) and getting divorced. Also, he's abusive and she has kids. Basically, it's not worth the kids having more trauma. Even if they're not my kids, they still don't deserve that.

That said, it's not fair to them either to live in a house built on a foundation of lies. I grew up in that and it was not healthy.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to but I couldn't figure out how to contact him. He's not on OW's friend list on Facebook and google didn't come up with anything.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Want To Wake Up
♀ 31583
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only 2 of my H's OW had a SO. One was married and her H knew. I have messages between him and my H discussing how good his wife was so that's confirmed.

musiclovingmom that's... I don't know what... but beyond sick IMO


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)
"Adultery is not a symptom of a struggling marriage....a struggling marriage is a result of a person who can chose adultery."- saw this on SI

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2011
sodamnlost
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW had a BF when she was with WH. I know his full name but never felt bad enough to tell or even find out if I can find him. I found out today he proposed to her. Now I feel guilty and may have to find a way to tell him.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to tell ow's bf but then I found out she had actually had a few flings with him while she had a live-in bf. This was before the PA started with my H. I'm sure she told him things were over with her bf and and he was an asshole and miserable and all the bs she told my H. But still, he cheated with her. So I don't owe him anything.

I would LOVE for him to know just to blow up her world but I can't do it. Not worth the shitshow it would bring into our lives. At least not while her and H are still working at the same company.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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