Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Baby due soon and not ready to be that vulnerable to him yet
ShatteredLove00
♀ 40830
Member # 40830
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post on SI. Skip to the last paragraph for the shortest version of my problem. Long, long story shortened, my husband is most likely a sex addict and definitely a compulsive who hid many, many disturbing and hurtful things that he did over our 13 year relationship. His actions were all online until a month ago, when he hired a prostitute. He confessed fairly quickly and actually knew at that point he needed help, and we've been getting psychological care and counseling.

I was 7.5 months pregnant with our second baby when this happened. While he is very, very committed to recovery, the shock of the prostitute (neither of us had ever had sex with anyone but each other) plus a 13 year history of behavior that I learned over the course of two weeks, I am completely blindsided that my life long love, the person I trusted and loved and cared for most in this world, had this hidden life that was entirely secret to me.

So while recovery for me has been horrible, now we have an immediate problem: how do I have this baby? My first birth had multiple complications, and I labored without painkillers for many hours, with emergency procedures done to keep me alive and then the baby, and all in all it was very hard and my husband was the person who assisted me and supported me the whole time. Now for this one...I just cry at the thought of him being there and being vulnerable and exposed to him again. But I don't have any other options. Because of his job, we live overseas away from our family. I have a couple local friends, but we haven't been here long enough for those friendships to be strong enough to ask a favor like this one (or for me to feel comfortable enough with them.) The one person who I know would fly here to support me is my sister...but she's a week behind me in HER pregnancy and certainly cannot fly. I'm stuck and scared. Does anyone have any suggestions or even words of encouragement?


Me: BS (29) Him: SAWH (30)
HS Sweethearts, WAS each other's 1st/onlys. 1 child & 8 months pregnant when he hired prostitute/confessed.
D-Day: September 1, 2013
Shocked, disgusted, and struggling.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Peaches2013
♀ 40852
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One possibility you might be able to look into, though it entirely depends on your comfort level, is hiring a doula to be with you during the birth and having your husband available if you decide you want him there as well. A doula is someone you hire to be with you for birth. Of course, availability and the ability to have one there at the hospital would depend on the country you currently live in. And it also depends on your comfort level of being able to put trust into a stranger, even though it would be a stranger who assists births for a living.


Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the idea of a doula. I would go as far as to say if you need to, ask him to wait in the waiting room until you are sure you can handle him being with you.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
ShatteredLove00
♀ 40830
Member # 40830
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually considered a doula, and that's probably the most practical action, but it triggered me in a major way - the idea of hiring someone to do something that your significant other should be trusted with...can you tell I'm not well into healing yet?

[This message edited by ShatteredLove00 at 3:33 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: BS (29) Him: SAWH (30)
HS Sweethearts, WAS each other's 1st/onlys. 1 child & 8 months pregnant when he hired prostitute/confessed.
D-Day: September 1, 2013
Shocked, disgusted, and struggling.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Peaches2013
♀ 40852
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also (big hugs).

It was unclear during my second pregnancy whether my husband (the WS but not at the time) would be able to be at the birth of our second child because he was in detox for alcoholism and it was unclear whether he'd be doing inpatient or outpatient treatment. I also wasn't sure if *I* wanted him to participate considering the roller coaster I'd just been on involuntarily with his detox, he lost his job...

You deserve the birth experience you want. You deserve a birth experience that allows you to concentrate solely on your health and your unborn baby's health. If that means your husband isn't in the room, you need to do what is best for you, particularly since your first birth was complicated and risky from your description.


Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
watchtheskyy
♀ 34197
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was due exactly 1 month from DDay. I chose to have my husband there with me because he loves his children, and deep down I knew if we worked things out then I would regret not having him there and feared that he might never forgive me.

One thing to mention here, we were in false R at the time I had DD. I still don't regret having him there (okay, maybe sometimes when I'm feeling spiteful), it was great having support.

fast forward 49 weeks later and I am in labor with DD2! He was out of town, and couldn't make it back in time for her birth. I gave birth with no one else there with me, but my nurse was so great that I didn't feel alone. It didn't bother me one bit that he wasn't there. In fact, a small part of me believes it was some of his karma coming back around.

I say all this because with or without your WH you're going to be ok! You HAVE to believe that. Try having him with you and if it becomes too much, then ask that he leaves. Or you could do it the other way and have him come in just before you're ready to have the baby. Good luck!


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
kickboxer
♀ 39858
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I faced a similar...yet VERY different...scenario with the birth of our last baby.

Our oldest child was 3, and had been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes the year before. Finding someone who was willing to poke her finger to monitor her numbers every 2-3 hours, be on guard for signs of a dangerous level, count every carb she ate or drank, calculate her dose, and administer insulin was nearly impossible.

Being new to the area, we hadn't really established many friendships, and family support wasn't available to help us.

In the end, a neighbor couple stepped up and offered to take her for a "few hours". I labored alone, called him at 5-6cm, he dropped her off with them, then I got an epidural and they broke my water as soon as he arrived......we were doing the best we could to rush everything so he could get back, but it still took a couple hours for our baby to arrive.

At any rate, what I really wanted to share was the reason I didn't just hire a doula and let my husband come meet our baby the next day:

There are pictures of him cutting the other's cords. Pictures of him holding them immediately after their birth. Pictures of a brand new baby on my chest and him looking on. When their birthdays come around, we talk about their birth stories -- and he plays a role in that. He tells them how he cried when each was born, and how exciting it was to see how much they weighed. He tells them about how it was important to him that HE hand me our baby, after the nurses had finished weighing and measuring...and the way he sat beside me, helping me nurse for the 1st time.

Sure...my husband I could have gotten "over it" and made the best of the situation if we had to.

But I didn't want my baby growing up without her own stories that only her daddy could tell...and I didn't want my child with diabetes to feel guilty.

[This message edited by kickboxer at 3:23 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Andthencraigslis
♀ 40246
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in a similar situation for my 2 nd. I hired a doula , and was so influenced by my experience I became one . Just the reassurance that I was not alone and someone was there for me.....priceless. and speaking of, there are lots of doulas in training that will help out for free, they need births to get full certification, if money is an issue.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
Andthencraigslis
♀ 40246
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read the rest of the post, and wanted to add , don't think of it replacing what your Wh should be for you. Doula support is more like your mom or sisters role might be - they are birth experience experts something no man is going to fully understand ever. You could still have him there or not depending on where you are at.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I quadruple advise the doula. From my perspective as the doctor they can really enhance the birth experience. Your husband can stay in the waiting room until/if you are ready for him.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2357 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.