I've really been struggling the last couple of days. Work is crazy for both of us and I think we both needed a break from analyzing our relationship 24/7, but I'm feeling down.
Something happened the other day with H. I could tell he was upset about something so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He told me it was work related and he wasn't ready to share it yet. He assured me it has nothing to do with us/the family/etc. He shared the following day, but it hurt my feelings that he needed that much time to process it before sharing it with me.
Last night H was home, but still working. I went to bed earlier, but woke up when he crawled in. He watched tv in bed for a little while and fell asleep. I stayed awake for too long. Our different work/sleep schedules have been a significant contributing factor in our M troubles and have taken a toll on our sex lives. The backwardness of last night left me feeling frustrated and unwanted - especially as I had made my desire VERY clear before he came to bed.
I'm sure I'm overreacting. I know/understand/accept how crazy work has been for him (and will continue to be for the next month or so) but I'm starting to get concerned that if all of our M stuff isn't front and center, it's going to get back-burnered and we'll be back to square one.
It's unrealistic to expect him to be able to reassure me every time I feel a twinge of "uh oh, I don't like the way I'm feeling right now" but how do I find some balance? How do I express how I'm feeling without making him feel like he constantly needs to prop me up?
I was reading SI this morning and a post in JFO triggered me. I felt all the bad stuff come rushing in about the feeling leading up to my confirmation of the A: all the secrets, my near-obsessive checking of phone and text logs and email that followed, the constant wondering if it's really over or if he has found a way to take the whole thing underground. I'm 99.9% confident he is not in contact with AP(or any other women for that matter) but that .1% consumes me some days. Given his recent behavior, that's not rational, but it's there in my head. He struggles with that reality. He accepts that his choices brought us here, but I'm afraid he's reaching the "what else can I do to prove it to you?" place.
Our schedules for the next month are going to provide a real challenge including a whole lot of working nights and different time zone travel. How do we keep on top of the progress without time to devote to it? How do I keep my doubts at bay when he's not here to reassure me when he sees me struggling?
I could really use some SI wisdom today. My head is all over the place and I'm afraid if I don't find a way to get this in check it's gonna become a runaway train.