20 years ago I married the woman of my dreams. My best friend, soul mate, lover. We lived in what felt like perfect harmony for a while. We had kids, bought a home, things got complicated but never unexpected or unmanageable. Life got more complex, the economy fell apart, I became a mess.
I turned to Steroids with the intention of competing in the physique sport but the anxiety of my situation, amplified horrifically by the Anabolic drugs, gave way to drinking excessively on top of the anabolic drugs. For those unaquinted with Steroids, they are powerful hormonal medications that can potentially impact more than just your muscles. In my case I developed symptoms closely resembling Bi Polar disorder. I looked great, felt great (or so I thought) but I was slowly becoming a Monster. My wife and I were fighting. The Fighting got worse and worse. My perception was that she had no respect for me as a human being and I used that as a pretence to do some pretty awful things.
From about 2009 until 2012, I cheated on more than one occasion; and, with more than one gender. On that note: some unresolved issues from my childhood had my questioning sexuality for most of my life. It was never an issue all these years but somehow all the drugs that I was on unearthed things that could have been left behind. I guess the silver lining in that is that it caused me to take a good hard look at things in my past. Bottom line though, I was dishonest and unfaithful. The latest affair was with a Woman to whom I would normally not give the time of day. I spent about 9 months with her. She came along and said all the right things. All the nasty stuff my wife said, she said the opposite. Where my wife looked disgusted to see me, she jumped up and down. I was sick and delusional enough to pretend that my wife was wrong; that she really wasn’t simply trying to pull me out of the Abyss and that she was just mean. I got caught with this Woman in the summer of 2012. For about 6 months after that, this woman harassed my wife and stalked me.
My wife and I have had hundreds of talks, as you can imagine, and we are in counseling. I really want this to work and I believe that she does too. I want to repair the damage that I’ve done and, perhaps in some way, make up for it (although total redemption is probably impossible). While neither of us will ever feel that happy innocents again, I want to bring peace. I’m trying but it’s not good enough. She spends hours/days/weeks reading books, probably looking on these websites. When we do talk, she tells me I’m not saying things the right way, that I don’t “get it” etc. She gets nasty and has become explosive at times. She will say things that I cannot believe come out of her mouth. In turn, I try to be patient but then I get made and yell and say stupid things.
I know that I did this. I have nightmares about it several times a week, if not more. Sometimes I cannot sleep. I have nightmares that she is cheating on me, right in front of me, and doesn’t care. At least in a dead sleep, I’m on the other side of the table and it kills. Not because of the sex but because of the betrayal. I cannot imagine what I put her through and I’m so sorry that I’ve actually thought of just ending it (for myself). I’m at a loss as to what to do now. Our conversations are becoming increasingly unproductive and I feel like where there was a glimmer of hope, things are slipping away.
I don’t want to let her go but I also can’t stand seeing her like this and if I make her that unhappy, maybe it’s time for me to end it because maybe she just can’t do it. This week it feels like we are both standing there with the shotgun in front of Old Yeller (our marriage) and neither of us want to drop the hammer. I want to make Old Yeller better if I can but I just don’t know how anymore; she is looking to me to make him better but it’s appearant that I don’t know how. For those in my shoes who made it work, what did you do; for those victimized by guys/gals like me, what worked?
Thanks for reading this e-novel.
Second, I think it is great that you are reaching out for help and that you want to help your BW.
The second year after d-day is oftentimes worse than the first year for some BS's. The reality is truly sinking in. Maybe you start feeling like you can breathe again, finally. But, the ugliness is still there. Probably even more sharply defined than in the previous year.
When we do talk, she tells me I’m not saying things the right way, that I don’t “get it” etc.
As BS's we are desperately trying to understand something that is unfathomable to most of us. It is so easy to be grasping at straws and projecting onto the WS. Doesn't mean it is right, but it is understandable. Have you both addressed your fighting with your MC?
skip, you say your BW reads for hours. Have you done any reading? In the Wayward forum there is a thread called "Things that every WS needs to know". I would suggest you read that to start with. It is on the front page of the Wayward forum. Then I would read in the Healing Library. It is located in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner of this page. Click on the Healing Library and you will find a wealth of wisdom in their. Pay special attention to the WS FAQ's.
Then, I would get the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It is a short book (about 100 pages, not tiny print) and an easy read. It will give you concrete ways to help your BW.
Start doing what the thread "Things that every WS needs to know" suggests you do. Do what the book suggests you do. I would suggest you post over in the Wayward forum so you can get some insight from the Waywards here that have BTDT and have so much wisdom, support and maybe a 2 x 4 when needed.
Best of Luck, skip.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
As a woman whose husband cheated on her with another man,I can tell you this adds another layer to your betrayal. Im sure she is confused,to say the least. What steps are you taking to make her feel safe? You say you cheated with both sexes due to issues from childhood. Did your BW know about this before dday? Or were the men a complete surprise to her?
It is very difficult for a wife..when her husband cheats with another man. It makes her question everything..every memory...she is wondering if she was your "beard"..most likely.
I think,if you haven't, you need to spend some time digging into this in IC. Your BW deserves to know your sexuality..as do you,if you are confused.
My WH and I have reconciled. We are doing really good,actually. It took me 6 months to get past the shock. Then I was angry..for a very long time. His anger and defensiveness didn't help any. But we are 3 years out,and very much in love and committed to each other.
Is your BW in IC?
It takes 3-5 years to heal from this..and that is with a lot of work. You say you're thinking about ending the marriage because you feel you are causing her more pain. What are you doing to cause her more pain? If you are honest about everything,patient,truly remorseful,humble, and loving and she loves you..ride it out. or,at least,let her decide if she has had enough pain and wants to D.
Good luck. You will find a lot of wonderful,supportive,amazing people here on SI.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:10 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Have faith -- if one avenue isn't working, try another one. If one way of reaching out is a dead end, try another. If MC isn't doing the job, try IC. Read the Positive Reconciliation Stories, and stick around.
Sure, it's easier to walk away. But that doesn't heal anything. Help her through this pain. And maybe you can dig something good out of it.
As for the reading recommendations, that book is actually on my night-stand as we speak. My wife put it there. The principals of detection tell me that she probably wants me to read it!! I plan to. I will also check out some of the info over in WS land…
As for Steroids, yes. I do still use them. HOWEVER, that is a technicality. I’m on Endocrinologist scripted Test replacement. Androgel to be exact. Put it this way. For me to get even to mid –normal levels, I would have to take a bath in that gel everyday. I very much feel run down to be honest with you. It’s been a huge adjustment. I went from feeling like a 25 year old Ray Lewis during a play-off game to feeling like an old man. This therapy will be a work in progress and I don’t rule out self medication to some degree but I will not run “cycles” anymore or to take enough to go outside of normal range. Also, I will never again take the drug that I think was the main culprit “Trenbolone” (A.K.A. Bovine Growth Hormone). It’s actually not a GH but it is a steroid given to Cattle to increase feed efficiency. Lots of body builders take it and it CAN effect personality.
Yes, we are in therapy and she is in IC. The therapy has its ups and downs but on balance I think it’s a healthy way to spend an hour per week. I’ve been considering some form of therapy myself.
Finally, no I don’t want this to end. It’s ironic that I see more light at the end of the tunnel now than I did when I was basically living in hell. It’s just incredibly frustrating. It’s like you’re in this boat taking on water but you can see land. You know if you can stay dry long enough, you’ll be having a Margarita soon. You just hope you don’t drown in the process!
Thanks everyone.
...if I make her that unhappy, maybe it’s time for me to end it because maybe she just can’t do it.
If she's unhappy and wants to end your M, it's up to her to end it. It's not your job to read her mind.
It is your job to look inside and know what you want. Are you looking for an excuse to end your M? (I'm asking - only you know the answer.) You could also ask her if she wants you to end it.
But no mindreading....
