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Calee posted 10/3/2013 11:52 AM

I never in my life thought I would find myself in the position I am in. I recently just found out my husband of 11 years has been un-faithful. Not only once but several times with different people. to make is worse one of the incidences was with my sister.

I do not know how to handle the feelings I am having. I have never turned to an online support system but I have no one to turn to. We have four beautiful children the youngest just 3 months. If we chose to make this work I do not want our whole family knowing what has happened. I am embarrassed, hurt, mad.....

He tells me he stopped before things got to "out of line" with the others but went way past the line with my sister. How am I suppose to forgive and move on, not only with him but my sister too? I could go on and on about my feelings but I am so numb I do not know what to do

I am open to any advise anyone might have.

Pippy posted 10/3/2013 12:17 PM

Welcome Calee and I'm so sorry for what he is putting you through. Please read as much of the Healing Library as you can, particularly the BS FAQs.

In order to be in Reconcilliation mode he must be transparent, willing to answer all of your questions, willing to support you through the pain and most of all must show remorse.Also he should be willing to attend MC sessions.

I suspect he has not told you the whole truth. He knows you can double check with your sister more than the others.

With 4 precious children in the mix, things are not so easy. Take your time deciding how you want to proceed and have a free consult with a Lawyer to know your rights and choices.

The damage to your relationship with your sister is adding more pain so I send you hugs. Remember this was his choice and you didn't make his choose to cheat. He did that all by himself.

tushnurse posted 10/3/2013 12:17 PM

Welcom Calee - this is the greatest club no one ever planned to join. You will find many of us here with sage advice. I am sorry that you are here.

I will give you my version of the Newbie orientation.
First and foremost - YOU have NOTHING to be embarressed or ashamed of. His choices have NOTHING to do with you, what kind of wife you are, mother, or how you look, keep your house, or any of that bullshit. IT IS ALL ON HIM!!!!

There is a "healing library" over there to the left side of your screen, get in there, and get to reading, tons of helpful information in there.

Now for your to do list.

1. Make sure you are taking care of you, that you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. If you are struggling with this basic 3 then you NEED to call your Dr, and let them know your life have been turned upside down, and some pharmaceutical support is in order. Not sleeping can really be bad for ones psyche.

2. When you call your Dr. go ahead and set an appointment for STD testing. You have been exposed to God only knows what, and right now, you are all your kids have, so it is essential that you take care of you.

3. See an Attorney, find out what your rights are, how this would go down if you were to D. Not that I am telling you to, but the what if's of life are often what causes paralyzing fear, and getting knowledge will make you stronger.

4. Put you and your kids first in everything you do. They can be your bright spot in this shitstorm. Think long and hard about how you want to proceed. If you want to try to save your marriage, if so how you would go about that. In the meantime, ignore him. He has proven one thing to you, that he is a liar, and a cheat, and the only thing you can rely on is he will continue to lie and cheat. Words mean nothing, it's actions that you have to pay attention to.

Welcome, you will find tons of support, and lots of great advice.

((((and strength))))

Calee posted 10/3/2013 12:57 PM

Thank you for your advice. I have an IC appt set for Monday and an appointment with my Dr Tomorrow for STD testing. My husband is open to MC but I told him I want to find counseling for my self to start.

He has been open and answered the questions I have asked. He shows a tremendous amount of remorse and wants to make things work. My heart wants more than anything to believe him and know this would never happen again but my mind tells me to be very careful and proceed with caution.

Our children mean everything to both of us and I could not imagine seeing them half of the time if we divorced.Its not fair he has put us in the position. I have never even thought of another man!!

And You are right I can not trust he has told me the entire truth. What hurts the most is my sister is still denying it. I am at such a low point in my life and its not fair. I want more than anything to turn back the hands of time and make this all go away.

All I can do is move on and hope I am making the right decisions for my children and myself

Do you think it is wise for me to confront the OW (other than my sister)that I know of and ask her what actually happened?

Pippy posted 10/3/2013 13:08 PM

By their very nature, OWs are not the most reliable, trustworthy sources. Although they didn't hogtie your WH and drag him off, they still chose to enter into a relationship with him, regardless of how it would hurt you.

The OW in my case stated that her conscience was clear. In other words she was perfectly fine with sleeping with my H, 2 weeks after our 30th anniversary, but I digress...

You can't trust what they say and you will only end up twisting the knife in your own back. Don't contact them. On the other hand, feel free to let their spouses know what they are married to. They have the right to know, just as you did.

[This message edited by Pippy at 2:22 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 10/3/2013 13:43 PM

No there is no benefit in talking with OW in 99% of cases. Occasionally you will stumble on one who will be honest. However these are people that have had A's, not the most reliable when it comes to honesty, and certainly, not moral.

I do however believe strongly in letting the other BS's know. This puts it out there in the light of day, and nothing will kill an A faster.

Are you sure it is all done and over? Do you have proof? There's a saying here trust but verify, I say screw that, don't trust, and let them know you don't trust, and verify, and verify and verify, eventually you will start to trust again.

In addition to that I want to add, be careful mistaking remorse for regret. Many WS's will play along right after Dday, and say they are sorry, and answer questions, but after a while, they start to get aggravated with it, and will make comments like " will you ever get over this" " I will not have my privacy invaded" and other such charming things. A spouse that really gets it, and has REmorse does not say these things, instead they say things that are full of support, and empathy, "I know you don't trust me, and I understand why, but I will do everything in my power to have you trust me again."

IC is a great place for you to start to heal yourself, IC for your H is also a great idea. He has to start getting a grasp on why he has such crappy coping skills, and thinks having A's is a good way to manage a marriage.

((((and strength))))

Calee posted 10/3/2013 15:04 PM

Thank you again for the advise.

ZedLeppelin posted 10/5/2013 20:57 PM

I actually got angry reading your first post. Your sister!?!? I would have more respect for a necrophiliac.

You need to regain control of your life, before you start making decisions like staying or leaving.

From your posts you seem far too passive. I do not mean this as an insult, but has he faced any consequences for betraying you like this?! An apology won't change a serial cheater.

Start listening to all your "girl power" music or whatever you use for motivation.

I think I am the only man that has responded here, but this is what I would do:

1) Kick him out of the bedroom/house and implement "180". Time for action!

2) Go to doctor and check your health.

3) Go to IC and just let it all out. Vent here as well.

4) Tell him that he has to give you the names and contact info of every affair partner. Get proof of the affair too. If he refuses - this means he is not remorseful, and is just sorry he got caught.

5) Go see a lawyer with the info you have. Get the best deal you can and file for divorce. Do not at any point tell him you are filing for divorce. You owe him nothing. You can always change your mind later, and not divorce him. Also find out how to protect yourself financially, and set up your own personal account if you do not have one. Transfer a respectable sum to that account.

6) After he has been served with divorce papers, expose him to both sides of the family. You should not be ashamed, you are the victim here.If they go nuclear on your husband & sister - tough! - they shouldn't have slept together. Do not contact your sister or let her any where near you. If this was me, she would be dead to me (as well as any family member that supports her).

7) Then get in contact with the husbands/boyfriends of the affair partners and inform them as well. If you were in their shoes wouldn't you want to know if your partner was cheating?

Staying together or divorcing is a decision only you can make. However, you need to regain control of your life. He has to face consequences and should be begging you to stay in the marriage not "Oh I'm sorry, lets move on and play with the unicorns". Also - If they slept in your bed, throw it out and tell him to buy a new one.

I'll be back later to check up on your progress, so keep posting here and just vent if you have to. (Remember the above is only what I would do, this is your life.)

RockyMtn posted 10/5/2013 21:09 PM

In terms of MC, I wouldn't recommend it. For a long time. Our current MC, whom we are seeing after 9 months of weekly IC, said she never would've seen us at the beginning. Individuals need to get their heads screwed on straight - he needs to figure out why he's such a disrespectful asshole; you need to sort through your reactions and emotions - before any foundation as a couple can be built.

In terms of the OW being your sister, I hope others can come along and help. My gut tells me to stop talking to her. She's just denying right now anyway. Cut her off. I don't know what your relationship is like with her, your parents, or other siblings. But she has no place in your life right now. Even if she's telling the truth (which is doubtful), she'll understand.

Have you told any other family members? What has been their reaction?

standinghere posted 10/5/2013 23:13 PM

For you husband to have sex with your sister, both have to be pretty messed up.

Were you or your sister, victims of sexual abuse as children? If so, that may explain part of it. Boundaries get really messed up when that happens.

If so, your husband may be predatory to some degree, and that needs to be realistically looked at.

LeopoldB posted 10/6/2013 17:18 PM


Obviously something is very wrong, but I wonder just who is lying and why. When your sister denies it, is she convincing or can you see that see lying? Does your H say it happen once with her when things got out of hand or repeatedly? Did he provide details that jive? Who initiated it? It does seem predatory if he went after your sister. Was she drunk?

I find it odd that he would confess to that. It seems so much more likely that he would TT about the other incidences and conveniently skip mentioning your sister - - particularly if she is squelching it. Did he add that to hurt you or cause a separation? Something is fishy, but I have no idea what.

Calee posted 10/7/2013 13:00 PM

Let me start off by saying thank you all for your thoughts and advise. I am not sure yet if this forum is helping or not. It definitely keeps me thinking and wondering how I am going to make it through. Knowing that some of you have actually reconciled definitely makes me hopeful. I want nothing more then to make my relationship work.

I am a VERY passive person and I try my hardest to avoid conflict at what ever cost. I don't know if it makes any since but I simply don't know how to be mad. I mean don't get me wrong I am furious! I just don't know how to verbalize the anger. I hold everything in!!

I honestly believe my H is sorry and remorseful about what he has done. I did NOT catch him in these acts. He admitted to me out of the blue. Yes I had some suspensions but never once had any prof anything was going on.

He has given me the contact of the OW beside my sister (obviously I have that) and against advise I did contact her. She confirms everything he said.both him and her stated it was a kiss and HE pulled away because he doesn't want to lose what we have. I have asked and asked WHY but he doesn't have an answer. Just that he is sorry and swears he will spend the rest of our lives making it up to me.

I have decided that our families will have to know. I can not spend holidays with my sister and him in the same room, and with our families being so close questions will be asked. I have not processed what has actually happened between my sister and him. With out being so detailed he stated it was spur of the moment in OUR car when they were on there way back from getting some fast food. He stated he stopped literally 2 mins in and and couldn't do anything else.

He tells me he doesn't know what happened in both cases but before he knew what was happening it was happening and he stopped as soon as he realized. Honestly I think its a load of crap. I think he has been having second thoughts about the choices he made for his life. We are both young me 27 him 28 we have been together 11 years (on oct 26th) and have 4 kids. We started our family early and quick but I thought that was what he wanted.

I am just so hurt and on such an emotional roller coaster I cant seem to control any of my emotions. One min I am fine and laughing the next I am so upset and disgusted I can stand it. Please someone tell me this gets better.

As far as taking care of my self. I have already been to my doc for testing (waiting on results) Today I am embarking on IC and honestly I cant bare to bring myself to see an attorney. Maybe I should but the thought makes me so upset. I do not want to see my kids half the time because he is a asshole. Its just not fair. I know it might be a reality that I have to face but the thought right now is so heartbreaking

ZedLeppelin posted 10/8/2013 23:45 PM

Okay, lets remove ourselves from your situation and look at the following:

A teenager is told by his parents that he is not allowed to go out as it is a school night. He decides to ignore his parents and sneaks out anyway. The parents find out, and confront him when he gets back. They have a fight, and he tearfully claims he is sorry. The parents accept and move on. The teenager goes back to his room, "Wow - that was easy, all I had to do was fake remorse". The next night he goes out again, parents find out and so on.

The point here is despite lecturing their son, he faced no consequences (He wasn't grounded, didn't have his game consoles taken away etc.) All he had to do was fake being sorry, and then went out the next night.

I am pro-reconciliation, however the betrayed partner can only move on if they know 100% what happened (and therefore what it is that they are forgiving). Right now you are allowing the situation to control you, you have to control the situation. Your life has been turned upside down.

In your head right now you have all these images of them simply kissing, to a couple nights in a motel, to a full-blown affair. You have no clear idea of what happened. Is him telling you the truth really that much worse than you wondering at night if he has been unfaithful for your entire marriage?

How can you forgive him, if you don't know what you're forgiving? Him going, "I don't know why" is NOT good enough. What's to stop him 2 years down the road, 5 years etc. By sitting down with you and writing out a timeline of everything that happened you can discuss the root cause of his infidelity (and with your counsellor/therapist).

Your husband may very well be a decent man that f*cked up. However, you say that you honestly believe your husband, but this is also the same man who has been stabbing you in the back. By not imposing yourself, you are coming across as weak. You do not ask him for the complete truth - you simply demand it. If he asks why, you simply reply that you deserve to know.

Furthermore, by going to see your options with a lawyer you are making it clear to him that you deserve to be respected and you are seriously considering life without him. It doesn't matter if this is complete bullsh*t and you are scared of leaving him, or splitting up the family. The whole point here is to stand up to him and make it clear that his actions are not acceptable. This is simply about regaining control.

[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 11:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 10/9/2013 00:05 AM

Learning to live and adjust to life as a single mom seems much more desirable to me than staying M to a man who did my sister behind my back..
Having to face him every day and living with that monumental resentment of knowing that he would be inappropriate even with my sister would kill me..

Crushed1 posted 10/9/2013 00:11 AM

(((Calee))), hi and welcome.

I am not sure yet if this forum is helping or not. It definitely keeps me thinking and wondering how I am going to make it through.

I hope you will keep posting and reading here. Everything is overwhelming in the beginning but SI is a wonderful source of help and there is a collective wisdom of those who have traveled in your shoes.

The Healing Library - link is in the yellow box in the upper left corner - has a lot of insight. Right now you are riding a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions, and it will take you a while as you process what happened.

Your H is called a "serial cheater" (having been with several people) not the least of which was your own sister. (There are a few people here who are dealing with a family member betrayal, so you are not alone).

Did your H just suddenly confess this to you? Guilty conscience? Was someone about to inform you of his escapades?

As hard as it may seem to do, right now is the time to take care of YOU and make sure you eat and keep hydrated. Even a cup of jello or anything similar will help, if you are having trouble keeping food down.

Take care, wishing you strength to get through this.

doggiediva posted 10/9/2013 00:23 AM

I apologize if my previous post came across as super harsh..Just reading of your situation made me ANGRY! The thought that your WH would be inappropriate with your sister of all people..

My sister and I are extremely close..I think it would destroy me if I learned that my sister betrayed me in such a manner, even more so than finding out that my WH betrayed me in such a manner..

I think that the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself, focus on you and the kiddos and know that nothing that you did or didn't so caused your WH to make such shitty decisions..

Please, please see an attorney..You are gonna need advice on how to protect yourself and the kiddos in the case that your WH's remorse is temporary or fake..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:28 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

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