Hey Hal31,
Many will tell you that you shouldn’t make any major decision right now when the pain is raw. I don’t agree. I think you do need to make one major decision and that right now. That is the decision that you won’t remain in infidelity.
Infidelity is a lot like alcoholism. It affects families and it alters the way people interact. So your wife not having sex with OM is not a “cure” for your infidelity; it’s simply ending the cause. The consequences have to be dealt with. So you deciding to not remain in infidelity is simply an acknowledgement that you are going to resolve this issue and see it through. That could be by divorce or that could be through reconciliation.
OK – so can you reconcile? Well yes. Definitely. In fact only a minority of marriages dealing with infidelity actually end because of the infidelity. This site was founded by a successfully reconciled couple. Some of the best posters here are reconciled WS and BS. But then – some of the best posters are also separated or divorced. There is really no right or wrong other than remaining in infidelity.
It’s also perfectly OK to divorce. It’s your call.
What I do want to emphasize is the positives in your situation:
Your wife on her own free will came out with the truth because she realized dragging this albatross through the marriage was not feasible.
I know that this might not sound like a positive but it is IMMENSE.
Add that to your WW free acknowledgement of responsibility and blame… and you have a head-start to recovery most husbands would give their left testicle to have.
Yes – I know it doesn’t sound like much but IMHO you have to deal with this from an angle of pure reality: Your wife has had the affair. Wishing it goes away won’t fix anything. So dealing with what you have can be compared to finding an extra big bucket in a leaking boat. It sure beats emptying the boat with a paper cup.
My suggestion? Well – basically communications:
Acknowledge to your wife that above all you wish to reconcile. But also make it clear you fear your ability to do so. Be very honest and open about this. I would thank her for her honesty. I would make sure she knows that although it hurts then you understand that this needed to come out. Tell her that there are some things you need to know about the affair. That the truth has to come out before your marriage even has a chance.
[Be careful here; you need to evaluate WHAT you need to know and how you will use that info. We have cases here on SI where the BH asked if OM was “bigger” (no pun intended and my user name has NO below-waist relevance) or if the sex was better. Personally I don’t see much use in any possible answer to those questions; if the OM was bigger do you believe her when she claims it doesn’t matter? Do you believe her if she says the sex was crap? I would really evaluate each question you need answered based on a) is it answerable and b) is it necessary for your recovery]
You need assurances the affair is over. What is their business relationship? Is she in any contact with him or his company? How can she assure you that it’s over? How can she assure you next business trip that she isn’t jumping him or another man? In order to reconcile many of us (me included) will tell you total enforceable NC is required. This means that “we only correspond on business issues” is not good enough.
I would then acknowledge with her that this issue is bigger than you two can deal with. You want outside help to get to the bottom of what made her decide that having sex with another man was a swell idea (note I don’t really care about the “why”. To me it’s more of a “what made your logic go in a way that made you end up with another man” thing) so she has to go to IC. This could be the same therapist as does your MC because that’s the second outside factor you two need. Do some research on MC’s and find one that says he/she specializes in infidelity. Tell the MC the agenda is to a) help your wife find out what made her do this b) help you deal with this knowledge and c) help you two improve your marriage irrespective of the affair.
I would also be clear on some things with her. Tell her that the next months will be extremely tough and that your mood will sway to and fro. That most info indicates it will take you two years of hard work to come to some acceptance.
It’s a long rough path ahead but I really think you two can make it IF you are willing to commit to it.