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meeting tomorrow with former boss

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Alyssamd24 posted 10/3/2013 12:53 PM

I am the type of person who needs closure on certain things that happen...I need it in order to move on to the next step in my life. I am starting my new job Monday and am so excited for my new opportunity. But before I start I need to get closure with my old job and boss.

I worked at the daycare for three years..I also worked there years ago with many of the same is the kind of job where all the staff got along really well and we were like a family.

Since losing my job at the daycare I have had lots of anger and other feelings towards my old boss and coworkers. I feel that even though we all are a "family", I was not supported by my old coworkers or boss.

I know that many people reading this are going to say I don't deserve support cuz I got what I deserved but let me clarify.

My actions were totally irresponsible, unprofessional,and inappropriate. I deserved to lose my job and am lucky she let me resign rather than fire me. I understand completely why I had to leave, and that is why I had been trying to find a job somewhere else.

The issue I have is I lost my job but my XAP faced no consequences at all from the daycare....his son is still there and nobody has said a thing to him even though they all know he is lying. Last December when we were still involved in the A, my XAP got caught sending fb messages to one of the single, attractive mother's at the center....she was so concerned she went to my boss and told her and asked if she should be worried. My boss never approached him about this cuz it wasn't really her place...xAP claimed he was just being friendly and it was innocent, but I also know that he found this woman very attractive and had even joked about us having a three some with her.

Even though it seems like I am just pissed I got in trouble and he didn't, it's more than that. It does make me angry cuz it's showing him he can do what he wants and it doesn't matter. But I am hurt that my friends and coworkers showed me no support whatsoever....I am not even allowed to visit there anymore for the fear that he and his BW May be unhappy about it.

So after speaking to my C about all this she suggested I email my former boss which I did. I told her I respect her decision to let me go and know I deserved it, but I am angry, hurt, and upset that nothing happened to XAP and would like her to explain her reasons to me.

She replied, and now I have a meeting with her and the Pastor of the church tomorrow. I am just hoping to explain myself and my feelings now that some time has passed, and I want to hear there explanation.

I may also suggest they change some of the policies/procedures in the staff and parent handbooks.

I am not expecting much of an outcome but feel I need to do this and get it off my chest in order to put it all behind me and move on.

SandAway posted 10/3/2013 13:06 PM

but my XAP faced no consequences at all from the daycare.

You really need to let this go. While it pisses you off, it does absolutely no good that it is in your thoughts. You need to work on pushing him out of your mind. You told work & his wife about the A - what they choose to do from then on is no concern of yours.

When you go in to talk to your old boss, emphasize the employee handbook policies - do not even mention that your pissed that the AP still has his kids there and feel he hasn't faced any consequences from them. It is not their place to do so.

Hold your head up & please do not mention the AP. Anything you say will turn to gossip once your gone.

[This message edited by SandAway at 1:08 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 10/3/2013 13:33 PM

I feel that even though we all are a "family", I was not supported by my old coworkers or boss.
While you are all "family", you cheated with a client's husband. That's bad business. Doesn't matter if y'all are "family" or not. You trampled a professional boundary within a business. However unfair, the client can walk away unscathed. Because they are the client.

but my XAP faced no consequences at all from the daycare
Mind your own beeswax. He is a paying client's husband. He has a right to put his kid in whatever daycare he chooses. Is he a slug? Yeah. Doesn't matter. He's a paying customer.

it's showing him he can do what he wants and it doesn't matter.
Again. Mind your own business. What he does or doesn't do, whether he faces consequences or not, is really not your business. You are not the Morality Police for him and his wife.

I am angry, hurt, and upset that nothing happened to XAP and would like her to explain her reasons to me.
Her reasons don't matter. He's a paying customer. She has to run a business. Even is the guy is King Douche Canoe. It's a business.

I think you should cancel that meeting. Because it could seriously blow up in your face.

Also, if you put as much focus on you and your husband that you do being angry and trying to exact revenge on your xAP, you might get further along in your healing.


[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 1:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 10/3/2013 13:53 PM

I don't understand how it's going to all blow up in my face...I have nothing else to lose.

I can't just let it go. I have tried to but I can't without having my say first.

I think the reason that he is a paying client is bs...I would have also been a paying client if my DD hadn't been asked to leave. And there are plenty of other paying customers, and many others who are on the waiting list and would love to send their children there. I think it's crap that just because he is a paying customer he can get away with doing anything he wants.

My H knows about the meeting and is supportive of me going...he and I are doing well in our R and this doesn't have anything to do with him.

And yes I broke a professional boundary...he did too though. Granted he is the client and I am the teacher, but it was still a boundary that we crossed together.

Aubrie posted 10/3/2013 14:02 PM

I can't just let it go. I have tried to but I can't without having my say first.
What exactly are you going to do Alyssa? I mean, let's be realistic. Are you going in there to whine and boo-hoo about how he hasn't faced "consequences"? Because your boss is going to slap that Company Policy and Procedure book down on the table in front of you and show you from a business standpoint how you were wrong, and she had to do what she had to do.

Doesn't matter if there are 1,000 people on the waiting list. Unless he does something criminal or pulls his child out, he can stay. Fair or not. You obviously had to pull your daughter because seeing you would distress her client. (the other BS) Your boss had to make that decision based on rules that are in place and to keep her clients happy. You aren't just a "client". You were an employee who fucked a client. Whole other ballgame from just two clients who mess around.

Life isn't fair Alyssa. Realize that. Yeah it takes two to tango. Yeah he cheated with you. But you screwed yourself because you were in a professional position and he wasn't.

And the whole closure bit? Never gonna happen. You have to learn to let things go. Seriously.

He is not your concern. None. Zilch. Nada.

ETA: The longer you focus on the AP, the longer you keep a third party in your marriage. Even if he's only the target of your anger. He's in your thoughts and you obsess about him. They preach NC for a reason. He has no part in your marriage. None whatsoever. True intimacy with your husband doesn't begin till you ditch the Dodo.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:28 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

SandAway posted 10/3/2013 14:08 PM

^^^ BINGO! ^^^

iggyD posted 10/3/2013 14:28 PM

Alyssa - do you think that this is another way to stay connected to your xAP? If only mentally?

You seem to be doing so well now. What closure do you think will be gained?

You admit that your actions were wrong and that you should lose your job. So what did you want your coworkers and old boss to do? Why would you want to visit there? Can you meet them elsewhere if you want to see them?

Finally, can you get this off your chest with your IC?

ajsmom posted 10/3/2013 14:40 PM

Was going to answer but it looks like Aubrie has this covered.

Very well, I might add.


Darkness Falls posted 10/3/2013 14:47 PM


Take it from someone who has been where you are: many times, non-blood "family" means jack shit after we cheat.

I said my piece to my own "like family" after D-day. Handwritten letters of apology to those I'd wronged by being dishonest and hurting someone they love. Every word was sincere and from the heart.

One supposed friend, like "family," proceeded to use it against me. I'm sure she had quite a few laughs at my expense while in bed with my then-STBXH. My XILs still refuse to acknowledge my existence, despite a year and a half of R. And I was persona non grata with the rest of our social circle up until XH and I started seeing each other again. Then, all of a sudden, I was (in their words) "family" again. Please.

I don't regret apologizing because I owed them those apologies. What I do regret---and what I want you to avoid---is expecting a different response.

Closure is a myth. And our consequences often extend beyond our BSs' reaction.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 2:49 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

JustDesserts posted 10/3/2013 16:10 PM

Alyssa...sorry you're feeling the hurt, pain, and frustration you are. After my "broken NC mini-madness meltdown" which brought me here I was given incredible advice, gently and not so gently, about your "consequences, closure, and karma" struggles.

Please read every response you've received so far. Then read them again. And listen to the depth of perception, experience, and understanding you're being given.

I hated to hear "my honorable affair" didn't grant me some kind of right to have my xAP "get her turn being thrown under the bus" and face the karmic gods. But it was what I NEEDED to hear.

My "blindspot" in an otherwise "mostly reconciliation and recovery" effort was compromising everything else I might have been doing right.

This place and these people helped me see clearly that a part of me was still clinging to (as IggyD suggests) to anything xAP, due to my acute withdrawal from my lurrrvvv and being rejected. Such a karmic double-whammy for me...and a gift of a wake up call so I could start to focus on the only thing that matters: Myself, my betrayed spouse, our family, and our marriage.

My xAP has nothing to do with that. Whether she wins the lottery or gets hit by a bus, she is the sad, broken thing my sad broken self created a sad, broken fantasy world with. Indifference is getting more and more real each and every day.

Please listen to the sage words you've been given. To move and and heal, you MUST let go.


GraceRunner posted 10/3/2013 16:17 PM

I think I hear what you're saying. You accept the natural consequences of your actions but you still feel shunned and unsupported by your boss and coworkers which hurts. Meanwhile, since xAP seems to not have had any consequences it feels like they are supporting him, at least through their silence and lack of taking action against him.

Before meeting with your boss please stop to seriously put yourself in everyone else's shoes and consider their position. Truly think about how difficult and awkward this must be for everyone around you.

Your boss is running a business. You put her business and livelihood at risk. Negative publicity can last for years and even though there's a waiting list now that may not be the case once word gets out that employees at her daycare like to seduce married fathers (because you know that's how the gossip would sound). The daycare should have been a place that kept their son safe. Not a place that caused turmoil in that little boy's life or in his mother's life.

I would encourage you to work through your feelings of hurt and upset independently. Discussing it with your boss keeps stirring the pot and won't get you any closer to closure. Best wishes for your new job and fresh start!

Blobette posted 10/3/2013 16:29 PM

I agree with all the above, but wanted whether anyone else was worried about a counselor who would suggest this? That sounds a bit off to me.

Jrazz posted 10/3/2013 16:50 PM

Aubrie84's on target here, Alyssa.

I can't just let it go. I have tried to but I can't without having my say first.

Sometimes, in the name of what is right, or just pain appropriateness, we don't get our say.

Oh, you can have your opinion. You get to feel that way. The right thing to do is keep it to yourself in this case.

This is what we tell dozens of BS's a day who want to call/write/visit the AP and give them a piece of their minds.

The healthiest thing to do here is walk away. I know you are imagining some kind of fairness or at least catharsis from getting to have your "say." Let those of us who have the luxury of objectivity tell you that all this is doing is perpetuating the AP having a presence in your life. Not a thing else is going to pan out the way you want it to.

I know what we're saying is not what you want to hear, but we're spending the time because we're here to help, not because we enjoy being party poopers in our spare time.

Hugs and strength. Letting go sounds scary but it's the only way to be free.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:50 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 10/3/2013 17:04 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses...I am not surprised by anything anyone is saying. ...

Grace Runner worded it isnt about the Xap its about the reactions of my boss and co-workers. I think that's why I want to have my say. I feel that will give me the closure that you say doesnt exist.

I'm not expecting any real results to come out of it....I guess I just want to hear her say what you are all saying.

I know that noone is saying this to be mean or anything, and understand that. I know I need to move on and let it all go. But I feel like I need to at least try this.

I dont makes sense to me I just can't put it in words!!!

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/3/2013 17:09 PM

Since losing my job at the daycare I have had lots of anger and other feelings towards my old boss and coworkers. I feel that even though we all are a "family", I was not supported by my old coworkers or boss.

SI is a very supportive community to repentant waywards. But let's take a moment and remember how society in general views a woman who cheats on her husband, with MM. Really Alyssa, you were expecting support from your coworkers!? Pardon me, but we are (recovering) homewrecking, lying harlots! I'm absolutely floored by your righteous indignation, and personally would be embarrassed to show my face there, much less be dictating policy to the director and pastor.

You say you want closure with your former boss and coworkers. Bull. Shit. You want to punish xAP.

Cancel the meeting. Walk away.

Jrazz posted 10/3/2013 17:13 PM

I should have mentioned that I have CERTAINLY felt the same way you do about this. It just took lesson after lesson for me to realize that saying something out loud to someone who doesn't care sucks, and I may as well spend my $0.02 on something for ME.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/3/2013 17:21 PM

Thank you jrazz!!!

I do know how ridiculous that sounds....but two of my coworkers knew about my A with xap (one of whom congratulated me on it, the other said it was as exciting as a lifetime movie.)
Both of these co workers saw multiple messages/texts from xap including the ones where he said he would always love me.....although this may be ludicrous of me or naive, I thought perhaps they would back me up when everything happened and I told my boss the truth...but the irony is the one who congratulated me on it is the same person who refused to let me go visit the kids for fear that xap and his BW wouldn't like it.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/3/2013 19:15 PM

Alyssa, bit harsh there, sorry, glad you agree anyway how it lands out here. When I check in with my feelings, I'm scared for you that you're going to get a lecture from x-boss and pastor. And cold shoulder from your work "family."

Do let us know how it goes.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/3/2013 19:33 PM

Thank you twenty, and it wasn't too makes sense.

After this meeting tomorrow I am going to walk away from everything related to my A and xAP....including my old job and everyone who works there. I think it is necessary. But I need to do this first...even if I do get gossiped about and just get lectured.

I'm not trying to punish xap....maybe if I were doing this cuz I was expecting my boss would suddenly see my point and would give him some type of consequence that would be the case. But I know she won't do that and me going to talk to her will not affect him in anyway.

plainsong posted 10/3/2013 21:32 PM

Dear Allysa,

Iím scared about this blowing up in your face too.

You want closure, but you donít get to have closure in this situation, either with your XAP, your boss, or your so-called friends. It was your responsibility as a professional not to do anything that would harm the children in your care, which having an affair with a parent certainly did. Your ex-boss tried to act in a way that was both professionally appropriate to her role and kind to you, but if you present her with criticisms about her policies, she may respond with emotion rather than logic. She also may be feeling scared and guilty underneath about not having found out about or stopped the affair, and may come back at you with anger.

And aside from what goes on in the meeting, news of it may get to others, causing escalating gossip and self-protective actions by others. Your friends got some free drama from knowing about the affair Ė that does not mean they can give you the kind of support you need now Ė helping you grieve that you did this and helping you move on to repairing your marriage.

I know you may not be prepared to cancel the meeting at this point, but please prepare yourself for what may happen, even though you donít see it now.

Please take care of yourself.

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