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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: I am not important to him.
frigidfire86
♀ 32324
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that title says it all. I am not important to my H. At least, not anywhere near the top of his priority list. I might be somewhere near the bottom, though.

We're about 2.5 years from D-Day. A few weeks ago I sat him down for a talk about our M and his A. I asked a few questions about the A, mostly minor things that aren't really important, but I was curious about. Then I went on to talk about our M. I told him that I'm unhappy. I told him that I want, and we desperately need, to go to MC. I said I love him, but that I won't spend the rest of my life in our M if things don't change. I told him that I need him to apologize, but only if he truly means it. He's said "I'm sorry" a few times, but only right after I mention the lack of an apology from him. I told him I need to be his priority. Blah, blah, blah... Notice I keep saying I talked. He pretty much just sat there and stared at me, looked really uncomfortable, and occasionally gave 1-3 word answers to my questions. Basically the two hours were me asking some questions and then telling him he needs to be proactive in fixing our M, not just hang out and expect things to be fine or rarely do something only because I ask/bitch. He told me he'd call the clinic and get us an MC appointment. I didn't actually think he would. And he hasn't. It's always the same excuses..."I'm too busy" or "No one answers the phone." Apparently he didn't hear me the many times I told him he could make an appointment online, 24/7 at his convenience. Whatever. We've had these discussions many times over the past couple years and he always says he'll be/do better. And sometimes he does...for an hour or a day if I'm really lucky. I don't even know why I bother trying to talk to him. Oh! I took my rings off a couple months ago and it bothers the crap out of him that I don't wear them. Why? I have no clue. It's not like we have a M. We're roommates, which I've also told him...repeatedly. We're also not having sex nearly as often as usual and when we do, I'm in it entirely for myself and when I'm satisfied, I'm done. He doesn't like that much either. He's not a bad guy. I just think he is incapable of facing himself and his fucked up choices. He'd rather pretend it's all okay. It's not working so well for him. There's still a snowball's chance in Hell that he'll pull his head out of his ass before I'm done with my degree. If he does and shows me with actions that he's remorseful, I may give him a chance to R. Right now, I can't wait to be done with school and start a new life.

I'm not important to him and I'm okay with that. I'm pretty damn important to myself.


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are friggin AMAZING!!!!
Remember that. I hope you can keep it up and show him that YES, you can survive without him.
You GO GIRL!!!


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1377 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strive for your attitude, F. Fire.

Ironically, I've gotten some I'm sorry's and I've been told several times that x has guilt-claims some drama with it-but it's not stopping what he's doing or done or getting him to listen to his conscience, I notice.

I don't really know how to react to the words because they don't mean a whole lot with divorce coming and him still having an A. I'm sorry for ruining your life, I guess?

Anyway...I am glad that you have this surety in what you want and won't put up with the disrespect that's been shown you. That was one of the hardest things for me in the early hours post-dday. I was so wrapped up in the loss of relationship that it took a long time to understand what was done to me and the many levels of deceit there would be to wade through.

Your writing sounds a lot like me, where I did all the trying, all the talking and he was done but wasn't going to own up to it and tell me. It was easier for him to walk out the door and not turn back than try to talk about any of it. But by then it wasn't about "us", it was all about him and OW.

I hope that's not something happening with your WH and it will get sorted out one way or the other.

And seeing the person for who they've become is really important-zero blinders is helpful for self-protection.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sodamnlost
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such a healthy post YOU GO GIRL!!

Very much in the same boat even if mines a different color. They say they want us more than anything - so PROVE it is what I say !


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not important to him. I guess that title says it all. I am not important to my H. At least, not anywhere near the top of his priority list. I might be somewhere near the bottom, though.

I am not important to him. I guess that title says it all. I am not important to my H. At least, not anywhere near the top of his priority list. I might be somewhere near the bottom, though.

Are you content living as roommates?

I told him that I'm unhappy. I told him that I want, and we desperately need, to go to MC. I said I love him, but that I won't spend the rest of my life in our M if things don't change.

Since MC is your idea -- may I suggest that you make the first appointment? I know you'd appreciate it if he made the effort, but he did not.

You deserve to be happy, and MC sounds like a healthy choice.

(((frigidfire86)))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
frigidfire86
♀ 32324
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not thrilled living as roommates, but until I'm done with school that's how it is going to be. It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to.

No, I will not make an MC appointment. If he is incapable of doing something as simple as make a phone call or spend a couple minutes on a website, then he doesn't deserve me. I do everything. I schedule any and all appointments, plan child care, take care of all finances, help our daughter with homework, keep in touch with both of our families...you name it, I do it. I've asked repeatedly for him to step up and it hasn't happened. Apparently because he works, and I'm only a full time student/mom, he's not required to do anything at home or for our daughter. If I make this appointment, it would be me giving in yet again, and him not putting my needs first yet again. He's a big boy. He can figure it out if he wants to. If not, I guess that shows how much I mean to him. Besides, if he can't do something as simple as make a phone call, how can I possibly expect him to do anything more difficult?

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 12:35 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a similar conversation with my ws..a few times. I finally told him I would not invest any more emotionally into the M, til he could show some sign that I was at least on his top5 priority list. I shut down as much ss humanly possible with him...but, its lonely and its sad.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
gettinout
♀ 13700
Member # 13700
Angry  Posted: 4:56 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did make the call to MC.......he was 15 minutes late
The MC told me to look at this behavior. If I was important, he would have ran to MC to save our marriage.
I was you, but not smart enough to get myself prepared and go to school
Keep preparing yourself. You know the answer


me:51 BS
him:47.serial cheater
DD:20
DS:15
Married: 20 years
Too many affairs
1 OC
Too many false R's
Now he is love with another
Update:DIVORCED..not sure I like it but at least it is the truth!!

Posts: 853 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: somewhere
Topic Posts: 8

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