We're about 2.5 years from D-Day. A few weeks ago I sat him down for a talk about our M and his A. I asked a few questions about the A, mostly minor things that aren't really important, but I was curious about. Then I went on to talk about our M. I told him that I'm unhappy. I told him that I want, and we desperately need, to go to MC. I said I love him, but that I won't spend the rest of my life in our M if things don't change. I told him that I need him to apologize, but only if he truly means it. He's said "I'm sorry" a few times, but only right after I mention the lack of an apology from him. I told him I need to be his priority. Blah, blah, blah... Notice I keep saying I talked. He pretty much just sat there and stared at me, looked really uncomfortable, and occasionally gave 1-3 word answers to my questions. Basically the two hours were me asking some questions and then telling him he needs to be proactive in fixing our M, not just hang out and expect things to be fine or rarely do something only because I ask/bitch. He told me he'd call the clinic and get us an MC appointment. I didn't actually think he would. And he hasn't. It's always the same excuses..."I'm too busy" or "No one answers the phone." Apparently he didn't hear me the many times I told him he could make an appointment online, 24/7 at his convenience. Whatever. We've had these discussions many times over the past couple years and he always says he'll be/do better. And sometimes he does...for an hour or a day if I'm really lucky. I don't even know why I bother trying to talk to him. Oh! I took my rings off a couple months ago and it bothers the crap out of him that I don't wear them. Why? I have no clue. It's not like we have a M. We're roommates, which I've also told him...repeatedly. We're also not having sex nearly as often as usual and when we do, I'm in it entirely for myself and when I'm satisfied, I'm done. He doesn't like that much either. He's not a bad guy. I just think he is incapable of facing himself and his fucked up choices. He'd rather pretend it's all okay. It's not working so well for him. There's still a snowball's chance in Hell that he'll pull his head out of his ass before I'm done with my degree. If he does and shows me with actions that he's remorseful, I may give him a chance to R. Right now, I can't wait to be done with school and start a new life.
I'm not important to him and I'm okay with that. I'm pretty damn important to myself.
Ironically, I've gotten some I'm sorry's and I've been told several times that x has guilt-claims some drama with it-but it's not stopping what he's doing or done or getting him to listen to his conscience, I notice.
I don't really know how to react to the words because they don't mean a whole lot with divorce coming and him still having an A. I'm sorry for ruining your life, I guess?
Anyway...I am glad that you have this surety in what you want and won't put up with the disrespect that's been shown you. That was one of the hardest things for me in the early hours post-dday. I was so wrapped up in the loss of relationship that it took a long time to understand what was done to me and the many levels of deceit there would be to wade through.
Your writing sounds a lot like me, where I did all the trying, all the talking and he was done but wasn't going to own up to it and tell me. It was easier for him to walk out the door and not turn back than try to talk about any of it. But by then it wasn't about "us", it was all about him and OW.
I hope that's not something happening with your WH and it will get sorted out one way or the other.
And seeing the person for who they've become is really important-zero blinders is helpful for self-protection.
I wish you well.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Very much in the same boat even if mines a different color. They say they want us more than anything - so PROVE it is what I say !
I am not important to him. I guess that title says it all. I am not important to my H. At least, not anywhere near the top of his priority list. I might be somewhere near the bottom, though.
I told him that I'm unhappy. I told him that I want, and we desperately need, to go to MC. I said I love him, but that I won't spend the rest of my life in our M if things don't change.
You deserve to be happy, and MC sounds like a healthy choice.
No, I will not make an MC appointment. If he is incapable of doing something as simple as make a phone call or spend a couple minutes on a website, then he doesn't deserve me. I do everything. I schedule any and all appointments, plan child care, take care of all finances, help our daughter with homework, keep in touch with both of our families...you name it, I do it. I've asked repeatedly for him to step up and it hasn't happened. Apparently because he works, and I'm only a full time student/mom, he's not required to do anything at home or for our daughter. If I make this appointment, it would be me giving in yet again, and him not putting my needs first yet again. He's a big boy. He can figure it out if he wants to. If not, I guess that shows how much I mean to him. Besides, if he can't do something as simple as make a phone call, how can I possibly expect him to do anything more difficult?
[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 12:35 AM, October 4th (Friday)]