I've "only" been separated 8-9 months now following a 10 year relationship that included 6 years of marriage. So everyone says "it hasn't been that long" I know that. But every day that goes by, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into wanting to be alone. The thought of sharing my life with someone is repelling.
My life is my son, work, working out, and friends. The average weekday looks like: be a dad, go to work, get home, be a dad, lift weights for two hours, go to bed, repeat. Weekends, add friends into the mix and that's my life.
Nothing wrong with it. It's certainly been good for my physique.
But I just feel contempt for women right now. They're not worth it. What's the point. All those things. What's the point of a relationship. No one can actually be open + intimate with you. Everyone wears a mask. Everyone is selfish. No one can make me feel loved. I don't even want meaningless sex. That's just a drain of time, energy, focus. Life just sounds better with no one else in it to disappoint me or steal my energy and focus.
I used to be a lovey-dovey kind of person but it feels so beat out of me right now that I can't even remember what it feels like to be vulnerable and trust in love. Whatever it did feel like I'm sure now must have been illusion. One that I don't want to ever fall for again.
I committed myself to not masturbating during this time as well so I suppose at some point, the need for sexual relief will overwhelm me, but maybe not.
How do you ever get out of this mindset / why should I event want to get out of this mindset?
I felt exactly like you for some time after the second D-day. I thought there was NO WAY to trust a man ever again. I wanted nothing to do with them.
Then I got in a too-soon relationship with someone who was completely wrong for me - he hurt me and cheated on me and I took way too long to end that relationship.
I had some more ambivalence towards men after that - dated off and on. And now, 8 years later I have moved in with my SO. He has proven to me that I can trust him, but I will never blindly trust again. I just know that I will always be ok no matter what happens. I can take care of myself.
You will get to the point where it will be worth the risk to open yourself up again with the right person at the right time. And after surviving this, you can survive anything.
Sending strength and peace.
You won't be broken forever. I know it's trite, but in time you will heal. Just keep focusing on you and your son. Take it a day at a time.
No one can actually be open + intimate with you. Everyone wears a mask. Everyone is selfish. No one can make me feel loved.
As a BS, I understand why you feel this way. But it's simply not true. There are people out there who value authenticity and true intimacy and are capable of living authentic and open lives. However, I still maintain that you should be in no rush to find one at this point.
Believe it or not, you are probably about where you should be in your overall mindset. It seems that some people just rebound right back into relationships to cover their pain and some are repelled (like you)
are you in therapy? I would think you need weekly therapy to help you for at least a year. There is nothing "wrong" with you - it would just help you process a very difficult time.
You have a ways to go so be prepared. You know how you stand knee deep in the ocean? Say the water is already cold and a wave might come and hit your torso. Your body will recoil from that cold water and then you wait.... and then another wave....maybe bigger...maybe smaller...then maybe you get a little used to the cold so it isn't SO shocking when the wave hits. But every time a wave hits a little higher - it still shocks you.
That's how it feels to me and I am a few years out. I have lots of days where I feel good and then BAM! big wave.
As far as trusting people - there are good ones out there but you have to be in a place where you are totally good with yourself alone first. It sounds like you aren't ready yet so don't worry about it. It will come with time.
I felt the same, I couldn't look at men, they were all evil.
But, one day, I simply realized that I felt better, I felt some joy with my new life. After about a year, I stumbled into someone at a MeetUp and he didn't scare me. We took it slow, and I dated him for 5 months.
Plus, being on SI, I realized there are good guys out there, I looked at my friends husbands and knew there are good guys out there.
Focus on your healing, go to therapy, work through the pain and one day you will just feel better.
I wouldn't say you are broken at all, if anything you sound mentally strong and self aware.
I'm worried that my picker is on the fritz and it has scared the shit out of me how I could have been so wrong.
If I'm totally honest I also tolerated such insane bullshit that I don't yet trust myself to not get into that place again.
But... I'm almost 2 years out from DD and over a year out from S and I don't see 'men' as the enemy. I see my toxic FOO coping mechanisms as the enemy - those are the things I'm focussing on eradicating.
Still. The thought of opening my heart and exposing my children to someone else is far too frightening a concept right now.
They say R takes 2-5 years - I think recovering from this in S/D can take about the same amount of time.
Be gentle with yourself. I think you are right where you need to be right now, and that's OK.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Don't worry about dating or being with a woman. Make it your mission to heal yourself - for your own sake and your son.
I've felt contempt for men.
I've also been disgusted that WW women can have two guys vying for them and while people like me follow the rules act with morals and integrity and get to be the odd one out/singleton at work and social functions, don't get to cuddle up with a partner or have someone to share life's burdens and joys. Seriously wtf?
Masturbate if you want. It's your body.
It's also ok to look in the mirror and be proud of your physique and level of fitness. It's ok to love yourself. Your xww doesn't get to determine your worth. It's also ok not to have the desire to be in a relationship. This is your time where YOU get to decide what you want to do. You don't have to answer to anyone. It's ok that you are still healing.
hang in there.
Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.