If it wasn't for the two younger ones I would have left. The very minute I found out. In fact, after the downfall and the fighting I kicked him out that night. Our children together are the only reason I'm even here.
My sheer love for him is not the reason I stayed. I know I can find someone else, after I got over the hurt, I know this. I can live without him if I made that choice, its the children I didn't want to see suffer.
Even though my children are older a divorce would have still affected them deeply, it would have changed their whole conception of their family. Dinners, holidays..all of that would change for them - and sure, they would be ok - but still my heart hurt for them.
We have a big extended family on both sides and we each get along well with our respective in-laws - I knew the hurt would affect them too.
And really, for 34 years we had a good life together, when he finally left his job, showed TRUE remorse - I was glad I stuck it out.
So - yes, my home life played a big part in my decision.
But ultimately it was my love for him that kept me staying and fighting. Our marriage was never horrible. When it's great, it's phenomenal. When it's bad it's still pretty damn good! So I felt like we had a LOT to fight for.
For example, sadly, a child of an alcoholic sometimes chooses an alcoholic mate. It's what they "know' best because they grew up with it.
So if your children grow up in a "settled for" love or even loveless home, it will affect them. It's the standard they are used to, growing up. Hopefully your kids will not 'settle'.
Before all this, and even now (although I struggle to put aside my pain to keep their lives normal while I heal) H and I would make dinner together, share the housework, show our affections, make time for the kids. We had a good relationship, one I'm hoping to get back but I know that the road for us in recovery as just begun.
Im still lost in this fog of finding out my H betrayed me. Maybe when I have found my way out of the shock and anger I will realize my feelings arent really what I thought they were. Only time will tell for sure though.
If we didn't have kids I would have left on d-day. I would have slept in a friend's couch to get the eff out of here.
My kids called me one day just to let me know that they would not want me to stay in the M just because of them. Yet another reason I adore my selfless, compassionate, sweet childen.
Honestly, if my WH did not make the changes he promised I would certainly have ended the M.
I do believe that it is better for children to live in a loving single parent home than in a stressful, dysfunctional 2 parent family.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 2:16 AM, October 4th (Friday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Once we got a little further into the process, I stayed for other reasons as well.
"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost
I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.
A jaded person might say that's the difference between a BS and a WS.
When I found out about my wife's A, the first thing I considered when thinking about divorce was the impact to our family. When she decided to have her A, our family wasn't worth thinking about to her.
I gave my wife a second chance because of the kids and I wanted them to grow up in a two parent home. I stay because my wife has shown remorse and is working on changing her bad boundaries.
If I learned of her LTA before we had kids, I am not sure if I would have given the second chance.
Like someone else said, I would never want OW to TOUCH my children. I don't know how those that divorced handle that? I just couldn't ever live through that. I suffered for these children through high risk pregnancies. I am a sahm.. I have been their whole life. The thought of a selfish B%$# TOUCHING my children would kill me. I hate the fact that she even knows their names. She has no right to know their names! She has no right to see their pictures--she has though....she said they were cute kids and all but--how dare she even LOOK at MY children. Yes...I am saying MINE here and not ours. If he isn't goign to protect them from OW then I will.