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1bigidiot79 posted 10/3/2013 14:52 PM

Well after a couple of months and a bunch of things that I seem to be doing wrong instead of right I have finally given in to giving my BS some real space. Let me explain:

For the first 8 weeks she wouldn't speak to me and I did all the things mentioned here (repeatedly apologize, pour my heart out to her, assure her I wanted her more than anything in the world, loved her every way I could, read books, started IC, helped out in every conceivable way around the house etc...) The problem is my BS is just different. I have mentioned here before that she is on board as to starting over and staying with me but she is glacier like in pace. This creates conflict because I am ready to try and make this up to her by changing who I am and becoming a better man. I am working on that.

Here's the problem. There are some other areas in our life in turmoil right now. She has asked me to do some things in which I screwed up and made things worse. This is compiling with our marital issues and causing her unbelievable amounts of stress and anxiety. She is having a hard time even functioning at this point. She just needs time to get her feet under her and not feel like she is drowning.

So, today after another setback this week I told her this. As hard as it will be for me to back off and give you space I will try and do it. When you are ready to talk I will be here ready and waiting. I will no longer try and do things to fix this myself because I seem to always make things worse. I will leave you alone until you are ready. I told her I would still check in every day to make sure she is OK and I will continue to let her know I love her and am here for her. She responded favorably.

Is this the best thing to do? I feel like we are going backwards if we aren't working on this but this is what she says she needs. How can I go wrong if I'm doing what she says she needs?

SerJR posted 10/3/2013 19:17 PM

Hi there 1big79...

If your BS wants space, you need to respect her decision. This will help to demonstrate that your respect her and her needs. Let her know that you are available, let her know that you are willing to listen to what she needs. Let her make her choices... focus on yours.

At the same time though, that does not preclude you from taking action in your life. What can you do to work on yourself? What steps towards self improvement can you take? What steps can you take to ensure that you will be able to set things right? What steps can you take to move forward in a healthy and constuctive manner?

You can work on yourself and your issues independent of her. And what matters is your choices, and the consistency of your action. There is no "try".

Before you can work on your marriage, you have to ensure that you, yourself, are ready to work on it. This takes a lot of hard work, but is worth it whatever the future may hold. If and when your wife is willing to accept you back into the marriage, you will be ready and capable.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Jrazz posted 10/5/2013 01:09 AM

The feeling of losing control can be scary, but it's also a hard truth. The only thing you can control here is you. Treat her with respect and compassion. It has to be up to her where she wants to be and who she wants to be with.

I told her I would still check in every day to make sure she is OK and I will continue to let her know I love her and am here for her. She responded favorably.

I think that checking in and reaffirming your commitment is good. Just make sure that the frequency ("every day") is really on her terms, and not based on your insecurity.

I wasn't sure what I wanted in the beginning, but FWH telling me that he wasn't going anywhere even when I had big doubts helped a lot.

hardlessons posted 10/5/2013 07:46 AM

I will no longer try and do things to fix this myself because I seem to always make things worse
.

So, you screw up, can't get it right so you'll just stop working and wait for the "glacier" to catch up? I can tell you from experience that waiting is not a good idea with your BS and your "fixing" yourself shouldn't depend on your wife and that is probably why you screw it up. Focus on yourself and what you need to do and maybe you'll make some progress. Good luck

hardlessons posted 10/5/2013 07:46 AM

I will no longer try and do things to fix this myself because I seem to always make things worse
.

So, you screw up, can't get it right so you'll just stop working and wait for the "glacier" to catch up? I can tell you from experience that waiting is not a good idea with your BS and your "fixing" yourself shouldn't depend on your wife and that is probably why you screw it up. Focus on yourself and what you need to do and maybe you'll make some progress. Good luck

StillStanding1 posted 10/5/2013 17:25 PM

As a BS who is currently separated.... We've tried R for 8 months now and had some really good stuff happen and then some really back-lurching conversations.

We recently decided to really take a break from each other for awhile, so we could both heal independently. I know this isn't recommended, but I needed some distance to sort out this mess. I've been trying to "fix" me, him, us, and our kids for 8 months and I'm frazzled.

Although I want the space, what I really would yearn for is for him to be using this time to learn, read, and dig deeply into himself, not fill his time and mind with other activities while he waits for me to "get over it". KWIM?

I, for one, would love it if he occasionally would tell me about something he read or a new insight he had, that would show me he was trying. It would have to be sincere. Today my WH asked me about the book I was reading (NJF), if he could borrow it if I was finished, or he would get his own copy. Words are a start, but I will wait to see if he actually buys it, reads it, and learns something. And learns to communicate with me. If I don't see action on his part, I am done trying to fix this on my own.

I'm telling you what I would appreciate... maybe it will make sense to you. I think most BS's just need to know that their WS is truly remorseful and actually working to change. Actions, not words.

My advice: Use your time wisely. Learn, grow, change. Communicate how you are doing that. Find ways to show your love without getting in her face. Learn her love language and persist in showing that love. Show her you are changing. Best of luck!

changedlife posted 10/5/2013 17:56 PM

I'm going through this also right now. Me and my BS tried to recover for a few months. It was more along the lines of her trying to recover and me just saying I was sorry and doing just enough to keep things going. I feel that the relationship and recovery is out of my control now. All I can do is work on myself and hope I learn how to change to be a better person and be happy about that.

changedlife posted 10/5/2013 17:59 PM

I, for one, would love it if he occasionally would tell me about something he read or a new insight he had, that would show me he was trying. It would have to be sincere. Today my WH asked me about the book I was reading (NJF), if he could borrow it if I was finished, or he would get his own copy. Words are a start, but I will wait to see if he actually buys it, reads it, and learns something. And learns to communicate with me. If I don't see action on his part, I am done trying to fix this on my own.

My BS wanted that also. I wish I had started much sooner. Being truthful about everything upfront would have helped a lot also...

1bigidiot79 posted 10/7/2013 12:40 PM

Update: I made it through the weekend by trying to keep myself busy. It is going fairly well I guess. I sent her a text this morning to let her know I love her and wished her a good day. She responded by thanking me for the space and told me she appreciated it so that is good.

I agree with what others have said, that I need to use this time wisely and work on myself. I am doing that and I am trying to do it independent of her and what is happening between us. I have to learn to be more patient but it is a real problem for me. I struggle with this. Even though I am working on myself I feel like I should be doing something to work on us at the same time.

I guess I need to look at the positives. We are in the same house, she says she isn't going anywhere for now at least, she says she loves me and she has responded somewhat positively to my trying to give her space that she asked for.

Ugh!!! Just wish time would go faster to get through all of this. I miss her.

JKL Vikings posted 10/7/2013 13:07 PM

Just wanted to let you know you've been heard. Keep going, you can do it. I've been there and done that. Sending support from the Lone Star State

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