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StillStanding1 posted 10/3/2013 15:09 PM

I've been trying to R with my WH for almost 8 months. Most of the time, it seemed like it was going well, but every month or two we would hit a really bad spot.

Our last one was almost 2 weeks ago and as I've turned it over in my head 100+ times, I've finally realized that he still has a cheater's mentality and not a commitment mentality. Barring some major change, I think it's time for me to start pursuing either a legal S or a D.

Was wondering if someone here wouldn't mind giving me the "Cliff Notes" version of the options.

I know D can be very expensive and we have a DD leaving for college next fall. It sickens me that we could deplete our savings in a D and have nothing left for her. He has continued to pay all the bills even since he moved out 8 months ago. He has always indicated that he will take care of us financially, but certainly I know that these promises can change. (Kinda like those M promises, right?)

I haven't lurked here at all (pretty much avoided this forum, hoping to R), so I'm sorry if this has been covered already... Or perhaps you can steer me to an older thread?

Thanks, in advance, for your help!

Dadtryingtocope posted 10/3/2013 15:21 PM

I got advice very early from this very website to start pursuing the D process right away. Some won't think that way but it set everything in motion and it made me face reality. But I also know my EW was not going to stop cheating. So you have to know in your head and heart where you think you are at. If he is still cheating, then the advice I have is the same I got: You have two choices, D him or share him with someone else. The second choice isn't really an option, at least not for me. Sometimes the threat of the D will bring them out from the fog and make them realize what is happening. In my case it did not. But as they told me here, in that case it just allowed the process to go the way it was going to go anyways. If you get to the point you are ready to pursue it, then start with finding your representation. You can ask friends who have been divorced who to recommend. Your first consult is free and if that attorney is worth their weight in fees they will lay out all your options up front before you pay a dime and explain everything to you. Somethings vary by State so important you know what options are there for you. Finally you can always post here and you will get a ton of good support to help you or at least offer you advice.

StillStanding1 posted 10/3/2013 15:38 PM

Thanks! I just met with a friend this morning to ask her about D attorney recommendations. Hers was VERY expensive, so she's asking another D friend for me...

I should clarify that I don't believe he is still cheating currently, but I discovered through his words that he still has a "cheater's mentality". Basically, if I don't get X, I am afraid I might stray again. A "commitment mentality" would be to turn to your spouse to communicate and resolve issues, not find any excuse to cheat again. If after 8 months of hard work, he still doesn't see that... I don't know if he ever will. He always said he didn't blame me.... until he tries to find his "why's" and ends up blaming me!!!!

Dreamboat posted 10/3/2013 16:04 PM

The D does not have to be expensive, it depends upon how amicably you can determine the division of assets and debts. But if you have a stbx that refuses to cooperate or fights over every little thing (or if you do that) AND/OR either has a L who wants to fight over everything, then it can get expensive.

You are currently S, but not legally S. Legal S is really almost the same thing as D, and not all states even recognize legal S. And some states require that you are legally S for a time period before the D will be granted. The difference between plain ol' S and legal S is that you have a court document to protect you.

Aside from talking to a L, I advise that you research the D laws in your state. Just google "Divorce Law" with your state name and you will find a ton of information.

Good luck!

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