"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Faithful w/Love posted 10/3/2013 16:17 PM

Man oh man, it breaks my heart to see how many of us were in false R recently. Like it all is happening at once to us.

My heart hurts so bad but I have to be strong this time. Each minute this afternoon, I tear up, get fustrated, angry, and then tears again.

How can someone who hurts us and we give chance after chance think that it is okay to keep stabbing us in the back?

With mine, I was blamed because I looked in his phone, it was not me who ended us, I wanted a explaination and to be the one to make up my mind what I wanted to do, I was waiting for the remorse and the "oh God baby, I am so sorry, I contacted her again, what do I need to do"? Never got that but I did get,"Can you admit that we were both wrong"? And sense there is no trust and you went thru my phone, I think we don't need to be together.

I think what hurts the most, is feeling like a fool and just hearing him blame me and never taking responsiblity or feeling that I am worth moving mountains for. He never loved me, I wasn't worth it to him.

Sorry just a vent.

heartbroken_kk posted 10/3/2013 17:25 PM

yeah, sucks. False R is such emotional abuse, along with all the blameshifting, gaslighting, crazy accusations, backstabbing, F***ING BULLSHIT!

I am learning that my sanity required that I develop the ability to deliberately change my thoughts.

If I allowed myself to THINK about the craziness that is false R, I would fall into the black hole of despair.

So I worked very hard on developing some alternative "go-to thoughts". These became habitual things I could conjure up in my head to distract myself from the painful thoughts I seemed to be attracted to.

I've posted about this before, but it sounds like you could use some help here.

Examples of "go-to thoughts" I use ALL THE TIME when I'm hurting follow below. The idea is that when you feel yourself hurting.... tears well up, and you feel that tightness in your chest.... there is a thought that triggers the emotions. If you can start recognizing the thought-triggers early, you can sort of cut them off, so to speak. It helps you prevent the overwhelming pain of negative emotions gone out of control.

So, say I have a thought-trigger. F'n WH blames me for XYZ. What an asshole! It wasn't like that at all! How could he accuse me of that!?

OOPS! Painful emotions will happen if I dwell on those thoughts. Time to change the thought in my head! Red Alert! Thought change needed! What can I think about instead? OK, pick one:

1. Making salad. OK, what is in the fridge? I have tomatoes and an avocado. I'm out of lettuce. I have poppyseed dressing. Making chicken on the grill tonight, so I should stop and pick up some stuff to go in the salad.... I need lettuce, maybe a red pepper, how about something crunchy, like croutons. And sweet, like raisins....

2. The park bench. OK, I am going to visualize myself driving to the park and pulling into the parking area, putting my park pass in the window, walking to the trailhead, checking the kiosk for notices, heading out on my favorite trail, autumn leaves on the ground. Put a fuzzy hat on for the brisk wind.... walk down the trail, pass that really neat mossy oak tree, make a right at the first junction, go out through the glen in the woods to the bench that overlooks the valley, sit down, work on my breathing. Enjoy the view. I can see the (insert vista) from that bench....

3. Car maintenance. Last time I filled up my gas tank I realized I was due for an oil change in about 100 miles. I should get my brakes checked too as I've got a little vibration in my steering wheel when I brake. I could also do a little detailing, go over to my sister's to use her mega-strong shop vac...

You get the idea. Do you have a few things that you regularly do in your life that you ponder for a while? Start making those ponderings a habit, and work on those thoughts to ingrain them, so they are ready when you need them.

Hope this helps....

inconnu posted 10/3/2013 18:41 PM

In one of those inevitable "what's worse - PAs or EAs?" threads that get posted on a regular basis in General I actually answered False R. Because the pain is unbelievable, knowing that the person you love can treat you that way, again, on top of the pain and devastation of betrayal.

For all of you who have been through this recently - don't let the words and actions of a cheater and liar convince you otherwise. You will make it to the other side, and you will be amazed at how far you've come, when you look back. You are worth it. I know it, and in time you will believe it again, too.

Tripletrouble posted 10/3/2013 20:21 PM

I don't know if my situation counts as false R, as I doubt he was still cheating, but he was definitely lying. After tearful, gut wrenching promises that all had been revealed. It had not. That betrayal was as bad or worse than the cheating, and it pushed me off the fence and out of the marriage. I feel like I am too damaged to ever trust another man for the rest of my life. I did not know a person could be so cruel to someone they profess to love.

tryingagain74 posted 10/3/2013 20:36 PM

I have NO doubt that my XWH would have put me through that. No doubt whatsoever. He definitely liked the way things were before I found out-- he had two women who were having sex with him, and one took care of his kids and home while the other met him for romantic, exciting trysts. Why would he ever give that life up?

I'm sorry for those of you who were put through that. You gave your exes a second chance, which you didn't have to, and to be devastated a second time...

SBB posted 10/4/2013 00:55 AM

False R is pretty awful. I do think I needed to go through it to accept what my eyes were seeing though. I was a master rugsweeper and gaslighter.

I actually find it astonishing that anyone makes it through R. I know they do but holy smokes that has got to be tough. Power to them but I can't even fathom how it works.

dindy posted 10/4/2013 03:54 AM

I know false R is definitely emotional abuse and no one should have to go through it.

My ex was not one but remorseful, only regretful, but didn't realise that if he had have said and shown with actions that he was willing to do anything to save us and our family that we might not have S.

But now I think it was probably a blessing in disguise.

Bluebird26 posted 10/4/2013 06:35 AM

FR is abuse.

I think it's probably like stabbing someone and sticking another knife in just to make sure.

It's about feeding their ego and 'proving they win' by showing they can live 2 lives.

But I accept my part too, there was numerous red flags and I ignored them.

Angelback posted 10/4/2013 08:32 AM

I can relate, we went through this for a short time, but looking back I needed it to finally get it thru my head to move on. It has left me a little jaded though. I don't reply to or advise anyone on this site that is considering R but given the number of times I see this and the incredibly high % of R's that fail, I actually believe at this point that if your spouse cheats, it's over period. I have even read accounts from those that R'd and 20 years later were still married, but wished they had just moved on.

Faithful w/Love posted 10/4/2013 08:52 AM

I don't know who I am more upset with. Him or myself. I knew deep down that he was no all the way in, but I kept the hope alive. It's funny that if I didn't look in his phone we would still be good in his eyes but because I did that we are over and it is because I went in his phone! Only to see he was texting OWslut again.
So once again in his mind he is controlling all this. I guess when I was told by so many here he is very much NPD because he can never have empathy for what he has done or anything for that matter. What I don't understand is how he did before the A started years ago. Sense it started I swear he has heartbreaking feelings for treating the only woman who has had his back no matter what, mother of his kids, gave him a home, caterd to his every need. He never needed to do anything because I always did it. Co dependent ya think? Yes, if I please him he will love me more. Umm no, he just used it and treated me like shit and a throphy.

7yrsflushed posted 10/4/2013 09:06 AM

I don't know who I am more upset with. Him or myself. I knew deep down that he was no all the way in, but I kept the hope alive

^^^This for me as well. False R for a year for me. I knew deep down things weren't working but I coudln't let go. While I am no longer overly angry at my STBXW I do get mad at myself for allowign myself to stay in that situation as long as I did.

hangingontohope7 posted 10/4/2013 09:39 AM

I am working through guilt as well. I guess you could say that we were in false R coupled with STBXWH "drying cheating" for 5 years. Deep down I knew that he wasn't 100% committed but I wanted it so badly that I painted it that way. Any scrap of regret, any shred of "love" or affection he would show to me, I latched onto it for dear life. His first A wrecked me. I didn't know who I was anymore. I just wanted him to want and need me again. When the second A (maybe there were others?) came to light, it was such a surreal feeling. I knew something was off because my gut had been screaming at me for months. But he gaslighted me like there was no tomorrow. He kept telling me that he would never do this to us again. I just needed to trust him. Right....

It makes me sad and angry that I let him do this to me again. I was so scared to be alone, so scared to let my kids down, so focused on outside sources telling me that everything would work out, that I completely neglected every fiber of my being telling me that things were off and that cheating was essentially a deal breaker. I should have left after the first A but I had so many family members and friends telling me to stick it out because he made a mistake, which he appeared to be so terribly sorry about. He even had our MC completely fooled. I should have listened to myself. He isn't capable of loving anyone because he is simply too broken. I ignored the red flags for years, even before the A's.

So now comes the really hard part of finding out why I felt I deserved so little and then forgiving myself.

lost4now posted 10/4/2013 10:52 AM

Oh boy! I suffered 5 long years in false R only to finally come to the realization that my STBXH was never going to stop with the OW. She was with us in our marriage for five years! The pain of offering R and that gift being thrown away by my WH was absolutely the worst emotional abuse I have ever suffered. That total disrespect fostered the worst self loathing within myself. About year 4 into this mess I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I just hated myself for not kicking him out. I hated not being strong enough to stand up to him. I hated it all. I was miserable and wanted something different. I just couldn't set it in motion. I was frozen in place by fear.

This is the MAIN reason why I can't talk to him or see him anymore. I can't get past what he did to me emotionally. He tossed me in the trash and then set fire to it!!! And he didn't care. Not one little bit.

I finally put an end to it and we are now in the process of divorce. Each day I get stronger. I sometimes have a bad day but mostly I just feel closer to freedom.

Faithful w/Love posted 10/4/2013 10:58 AM

Wow, I feel all your pain. It is a mind fuck huh.

What I don't get is and yes I am still stuck that I was thrown away over his phone and he doesn't trust me.

But, that he could forgive, a howorker who slept with other coworker plus him, pull some really shitty crap, and he forgives her, But not a wife who adored him and the cooch was all his. Gross.