My heart hurts so bad but I have to be strong this time. Each minute this afternoon, I tear up, get fustrated, angry, and then tears again.
How can someone who hurts us and we give chance after chance think that it is okay to keep stabbing us in the back?
With mine, I was blamed because I looked in his phone, it was not me who ended us, I wanted a explaination and to be the one to make up my mind what I wanted to do, I was waiting for the remorse and the "oh God baby, I am so sorry, I contacted her again, what do I need to do"? Never got that but I did get,"Can you admit that we were both wrong"? And sense there is no trust and you went thru my phone, I think we don't need to be together.
I think what hurts the most, is feeling like a fool and just hearing him blame me and never taking responsiblity or feeling that I am worth moving mountains for. He never loved me, I wasn't worth it to him.
Sorry just a vent.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
I am learning that my sanity required that I develop the ability to deliberately change my thoughts.
If I allowed myself to THINK about the craziness that is false R, I would fall into the black hole of despair.
So I worked very hard on developing some alternative "go-to thoughts". These became habitual things I could conjure up in my head to distract myself from the painful thoughts I seemed to be attracted to.
I've posted about this before, but it sounds like you could use some help here.
Examples of "go-to thoughts" I use ALL THE TIME when I'm hurting follow below. The idea is that when you feel yourself hurting.... tears well up, and you feel that tightness in your chest.... there is a thought that triggers the emotions. If you can start recognizing the thought-triggers early, you can sort of cut them off, so to speak. It helps you prevent the overwhelming pain of negative emotions gone out of control.
So, say I have a thought-trigger. F'n WH blames me for XYZ. What an asshole! It wasn't like that at all! How could he accuse me of that!?
OOPS! Painful emotions will happen if I dwell on those thoughts. Time to change the thought in my head! Red Alert! Thought change needed! What can I think about instead? OK, pick one:
1. Making salad. OK, what is in the fridge? I have tomatoes and an avocado. I'm out of lettuce. I have poppyseed dressing. Making chicken on the grill tonight, so I should stop and pick up some stuff to go in the salad.... I need lettuce, maybe a red pepper, how about something crunchy, like croutons. And sweet, like raisins....
2. The park bench. OK, I am going to visualize myself driving to the park and pulling into the parking area, putting my park pass in the window, walking to the trailhead, checking the kiosk for notices, heading out on my favorite trail, autumn leaves on the ground. Put a fuzzy hat on for the brisk wind.... walk down the trail, pass that really neat mossy oak tree, make a right at the first junction, go out through the glen in the woods to the bench that overlooks the valley, sit down, work on my breathing. Enjoy the view. I can see the (insert vista) from that bench....
3. Car maintenance. Last time I filled up my gas tank I realized I was due for an oil change in about 100 miles. I should get my brakes checked too as I've got a little vibration in my steering wheel when I brake. I could also do a little detailing, go over to my sister's to use her mega-strong shop vac...
You get the idea. Do you have a few things that you regularly do in your life that you ponder for a while? Start making those ponderings a habit, and work on those thoughts to ingrain them, so they are ready when you need them.
Hope this helps....
I edit because I always make typos.
For all of you who have been through this recently - don't let the words and actions of a cheater and liar convince you otherwise. You will make it to the other side, and you will be amazed at how far you've come, when you look back. You are worth it. I know it, and in time you will believe it again, too.
I'm sorry for those of you who were put through that. You gave your exes a second chance, which you didn't have to, and to be devastated a second time...
I actually find it astonishing that anyone makes it through R. I know they do but holy smokes that has got to be tough. Power to them but I can't even fathom how it works.
My ex was not one but remorseful, only regretful, but didn't realise that if he had have said and shown with actions that he was willing to do anything to save us and our family that we might not have S.
But now I think it was probably a blessing in disguise.
I think it's probably like stabbing someone and sticking another knife in just to make sure.
It's about feeding their ego and 'proving they win' by showing they can live 2 lives.
But I accept my part too, there was numerous red flags and I ignored them.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
I don't know who I am more upset with. Him or myself. I knew deep down that he was no all the way in, but I kept the hope alive
It makes me sad and angry that I let him do this to me again. I was so scared to be alone, so scared to let my kids down, so focused on outside sources telling me that everything would work out, that I completely neglected every fiber of my being telling me that things were off and that cheating was essentially a deal breaker. I should have left after the first A but I had so many family members and friends telling me to stick it out because he made a mistake, which he appeared to be so terribly sorry about. He even had our MC completely fooled. I should have listened to myself. He isn't capable of loving anyone because he is simply too broken. I ignored the red flags for years, even before the A's.
So now comes the really hard part of finding out why I felt I deserved so little and then forgiving myself.
Burn everything love then burn the ashes.
This is the MAIN reason why I can't talk to him or see him anymore. I can't get past what he did to me emotionally. He tossed me in the trash and then set fire to it!!! And he didn't care. Not one little bit.
I finally put an end to it and we are now in the process of divorce. Each day I get stronger. I sometimes have a bad day but mostly I just feel closer to freedom.
What I don't get is and yes I am still stuck that I was thrown away over his phone and he doesn't trust me.
But, that he could forgive, a howorker who slept with other coworker plus him, pull some really shitty crap, and he forgives her, But not a wife who adored him and the cooch was all his. Gross.