So I've alluded to this a few times in my replies and I have figured out its time to put it out there.
I want to start by saying that I do not want to take responsibility for this A. He doesn't want me too. He has made it clear that he is at fault an there is no blame aimed at me from his side.
But ... Here goes. When we first met we discussed how our pasts did not matter. I was not terribly experienced. Let me clarify- when I was MUCH younger- too young- I had many partners. They were ONS per se- mostly friends I knew that tried something one night and I didn't say no. Then I would hate it and walk away. I was a child- a teen. I ruined friendships and put myself in some sketchy situations. We could psychoanalize me all day... So ill continue with the story. I was ashamed, even as I moved past that phase into adulthood. I never really experienced real true sex- just quickies that left me feeling ashamed and used. The total number is not large in the scheme of things- but it was enough. My H asked questions In the beginning and I told him half truths. I couldn't face what he would think of me. We married and were amazingly in love and I never really thought abou it. We teuly diacovered a physical side that innever knew existed.
I knew he was always so insecure and it came out in moments of jealousy and insecurity that made him act in ways I did not like. But when I knew it related back to my past, I clammed up and hoped it would go away. He was not stupid- he knew I had lied, but loved me anyway. In his darker moments, when he was feeling insecure or stressed out, he would brig up the questions again. And I would lie. Because he was coming from a place of anger and hatred. He always talked about girls in high school that were sluts and how he couldn't stand certain things ( things that I had done, oh so very long ago). We have talked about his users that word and he admits to satin cruel things that he knew would hurt me- because he was so angry about it. And he's apologized so many times for the way he treated me then.
But before now, never believed I could come clean and have him still love me. I always hoped he would just appreciate what we had now and how amazing I was now- why should that other stuff from YEARS before i met him, matter?
He tried One more time, 5 years ago. We were in a very bad place. He had just been laid off, we had lost our home after years of battling to keep it- my fathers two year battle with cancer ended heartbreakingly. We were in a dark dark place. And he asked me- this time, I admitted that I had lied and then.... I lied again. I gave him a bigger number than before- but not the whole truth.
Fast forward to Dday. Whe I asked why? This came out. He told me he has known all along that I lied to him for years an t was slowly destroying him. He tried five year ago an when inlied again- he gave up.He never felt like he could really come to me, because I was never honest with him. So he stippped trying. It broke my heart. I came clean - all of the details- like my own Dday. Only I hadn't cheated- ever. We talked and he understands why I didn't tell him and he doesn't care about the past and he holds me an tells me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was and he would never fault me for things like that. An I yelled an said that he should have said something! It's like he had a magic pill that would cure a life threatening illness, but because he offered to me when I had he sniffles I refused it. So he decided to just watch me die- knowing he had that pill.
But- whenever we have our talks- it always comes back to that. As we are being honest and working through this, I feel horrible remorse for him suffering like that all those years. He talks about mind movies ( wondering what I had done that I couldn't tell him), he talks about never knowing if I was telling the Truth or not. We are remembering times in our life when his insecurity about it really wreaked havoc- I just didn't know the why at the time. His emotions about me lying so parallel the emotions that I feel about his A.
I explained to him that for him, he has his resolution- he wondered all of these years and now it's done for him. He acknowledges that and does not to try to hold it against me at all. I am doing it to myself. I told him he seems more calm and confident now that the A is over. He says its because I finally trusted him enough to share everything and he no longer has to worry or wonder. We are working in R- very well I think.
But now I'm stuck and have found that now I feel guilty ad ashamed. I am uncomfortable that I feel the tables have turned.
How the heck did this happen? We have had many log talks about it- and his A- he has been honest and caring and supportive, beyond what I thought he was capable of. But I feel so off. Like now I'm on equal footing with him.
Is this bad? Does this make his A okay somehow? I know it's not, and he says its not- but why do I feel so much guilt now? How do I continue to process the A now that we are moving forward when all I think is "I caused this?" I know there were so many other reasons- many he has admitted. But I can't get my head away from it.
And now- the new fear that if he his something that big or so long- how do I know he's not hiding things now? All of this I have said to him an he is brig wonderful. But I think we both are having so much issue with trust right now. How do we learn to talk to each other for real again? It's like learning how to walk a whole new way. I've been doing it one way for so long- how do I change it now?
Sorry so long- thanks for sticking with me.