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Trying to make peace with my part..

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/3/2013 16:33 PM

So I've alluded to this a few times in my replies and I have figured out its time to put it out there.
I want to start by saying that I do not want to take responsibility for this A. He doesn't want me too. He has made it clear that he is at fault an there is no blame aimed at me from his side.
But ... Here goes. When we first met we discussed how our pasts did not matter. I was not terribly experienced. Let me clarify- when I was MUCH younger- too young- I had many partners. They were ONS per se- mostly friends I knew that tried something one night and I didn't say no. Then I would hate it and walk away. I was a child- a teen. I ruined friendships and put myself in some sketchy situations. We could psychoanalize me all day... So ill continue with the story. I was ashamed, even as I moved past that phase into adulthood. I never really experienced real true sex- just quickies that left me feeling ashamed and used. The total number is not large in the scheme of things- but it was enough. My H asked questions In the beginning and I told him half truths. I couldn't face what he would think of me. We married and were amazingly in love and I never really thought abou it. We teuly diacovered a physical side that innever knew existed.
I knew he was always so insecure and it came out in moments of jealousy and insecurity that made him act in ways I did not like. But when I knew it related back to my past, I clammed up and hoped it would go away. He was not stupid- he knew I had lied, but loved me anyway. In his darker moments, when he was feeling insecure or stressed out, he would brig up the questions again. And I would lie. Because he was coming from a place of anger and hatred. He always talked about girls in high school that were sluts and how he couldn't stand certain things ( things that I had done, oh so very long ago). We have talked about his users that word and he admits to satin cruel things that he knew would hurt me- because he was so angry about it. And he's apologized so many times for the way he treated me then.
But before now, never believed I could come clean and have him still love me. I always hoped he would just appreciate what we had now and how amazing I was now- why should that other stuff from YEARS before i met him, matter?
He tried One more time, 5 years ago. We were in a very bad place. He had just been laid off, we had lost our home after years of battling to keep it- my fathers two year battle with cancer ended heartbreakingly. We were in a dark dark place. And he asked me- this time, I admitted that I had lied and then.... I lied again. I gave him a bigger number than before- but not the whole truth.
Fast forward to Dday. Whe I asked why? This came out. He told me he has known all along that I lied to him for years an t was slowly destroying him. He tried five year ago an when inlied again- he gave up.He never felt like he could really come to me, because I was never honest with him. So he stippped trying. It broke my heart. I came clean - all of the details- like my own Dday. Only I hadn't cheated- ever. We talked and he understands why I didn't tell him and he doesn't care about the past and he holds me an tells me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was and he would never fault me for things like that. An I yelled an said that he should have said something! It's like he had a magic pill that would cure a life threatening illness, but because he offered to me when I had he sniffles I refused it. So he decided to just watch me die- knowing he had that pill.
But- whenever we have our talks- it always comes back to that. As we are being honest and working through this, I feel horrible remorse for him suffering like that all those years. He talks about mind movies ( wondering what I had done that I couldn't tell him), he talks about never knowing if I was telling the Truth or not. We are remembering times in our life when his insecurity about it really wreaked havoc- I just didn't know the why at the time. His emotions about me lying so parallel the emotions that I feel about his A.
I explained to him that for him, he has his resolution- he wondered all of these years and now it's done for him. He acknowledges that and does not to try to hold it against me at all. I am doing it to myself. I told him he seems more calm and confident now that the A is over. He says its because I finally trusted him enough to share everything and he no longer has to worry or wonder. We are working in R- very well I think.
But now I'm stuck and have found that now I feel guilty ad ashamed. I am uncomfortable that I feel the tables have turned.
How the heck did this happen? We have had many log talks about it- and his A- he has been honest and caring and supportive, beyond what I thought he was capable of. But I feel so off. Like now I'm on equal footing with him.
Is this bad? Does this make his A okay somehow? I know it's not, and he says its not- but why do I feel so much guilt now? How do I continue to process the A now that we are moving forward when all I think is "I caused this?" I know there were so many other reasons- many he has admitted. But I can't get my head away from it.
And now- the new fear that if he his something that big or so long- how do I know he's not hiding things now? All of this I have said to him an he is brig wonderful. But I think we both are having so much issue with trust right now. How do we learn to talk to each other for real again? It's like learning how to walk a whole new way. I've been doing it one way for so long- how do I change it now?
Sorry so long- thanks for sticking with me.

MartlArts posted 10/3/2013 17:09 PM

First of all, your long ago past -before you ever met him - in NO way justifies his A. You should not have felt that you needed to lie to have his respect and love. His behavior, before the A, during the A, and now with his attempts at blameshifting - are HIS brokenness, not yours.

Blobette posted 10/3/2013 20:21 PM

Is your WH in IC? He has a LOT of shit to work through. Any half-decent person would have been upfront that he knew you were lying about your past, and asked you why you felt the need to lie. Then you could have discussed your feelings of shame (which are way, way over the top) and put it behind you. Instead, this guy is weirdly obsessed with it and has made it into this huge thing that he's hanging over your head. It's sick and manipulative. And you feeling terrible for making him"suffer"? Ridiculous!

Sound like you need some therapy, too, to figure out, first, what drove you to behave like that when you were young, and second, why you have such ongoing feelings of shame about it all these years later, and third, why you have let this guy torture you with his slow reveal.

Sorry to be so harsh, but people do dumb thng when they're young. You didn't kill anyone, you didn't hurt anyone (except yourself)... Why are you punishing yourself for this? And letting your WH (who FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE) shame you? And blame his A on this original sin of yours? This is messed up.

Deanna posted 10/3/2013 22:07 PM

I am sorry but I have to say I think you blaming yourself for his affair is crazy! If your husband knew you were lying about how many people you slept with from the beginning then why make it an issue? He married you knowing that you weren't being honest about your sexual past. He sounds like he needs therapy for his hang- ups.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/4/2013 04:43 AM

Thanks guys. And blobbette you actually made me laugh out loud at five in the morning with your all caps statement.
After postin I have been soul searching and I know you are right. I used to think he should get IC for his obsession with it- didn't realize how bad it was- but I never said anything.
This morning I did come to the conclusion that, yes, MC and IC for the both of us at this point is necessary. I believe we are out I our depths to deal with all of it on our own. Love rag other or not- this is some serious baggage for both of us.
Thank you- hugs

Hearthache again posted 10/4/2013 06:50 AM

I second this:

First of all, your long ago past -before you ever met him - in NO way justifies his A. You should not have felt that you needed to lie to have his respect and love. His behavior, before the A, during the A, and now with his attempts at blameshifting - are HIS brokenness, not yours.

I am also going to throw this out there. If your husband truly cared for your well being he would of understood that you were not ready to share this. Any normal human being would understand that a person's past can bring up so many emotions that they are not comfortable with sharing. The fact that he only brought it up during negative times screams that he was looking for something to use against you in the conversation. His motive for asking where plan wrong. No wonder you did not share your past. He never created a welcoming environment for you to do so.

As you can tell I have very strong opinions about this to the point it gets me a little worked up that you would even consider this justification for his wondering eye. People only open up if they feel secure enough to do so, plan and simple.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 6:52 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/4/2013 08:09 AM

I want to thank you for your reply. I posted a reply on a thread I started asking for help with MC and IC.
I had some revelations on the way to work today (I know, SI surfing at work...give me a break its been a rough week:).
Anyway, I wanted to post it for you because I feel I really needed a kick in the pants to come to it.

"My first response was a very child like tantrum, "BUT I WAS FINE!!! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! (stomp stomp) I DIDN'T CHEAT!!"
Once I put my big girl panties back on and really thought about it- I do feel strongly that I should go to IC.
A revelation hit me as I was reading your replies. For the first time in our entire marraige, I have to admit that I cannot fix him. And because he has been broken for so long, I became broken as well. We cannot move forward with two broken people pretending that everything is going to be okay.
I am so sad about this, but I feel the stirrings of an inner resolve.
When people say that this is a long process, they mean it. I am only barely at the beginning and the things I am learning about myself and discovering about him- I think I knew most of them all along but made excuses for both of us for the sake of being happy.
I need to understand why I let this go on (not the A, that was fairly short) but the obesessive behavior that he had about my "past" and how I fed into it. I never challenged his right to make me feel that way, I just did whatever I could to make him feel better. I went out of my way, exhausted myself trying to reassure him and stroke his ego and build him up- hoping and praying that it would be enough some day. And it never was. Not even now.
thank you- I will find the IC for myself. Tell him that I am taking that step and my reasons for it.
If he goes on his own- okay. I hope he does. I don't think thiswill work if he doesn't.
But I think I have decided that I cannot be the fixer all the time. I take on the guilt and the resonsibility for issues that are not my fault. I inherited the and intergrated them into my own self image.
I have to stop that."

Hearthache again posted 10/5/2013 20:28 PM

A revelation hit me as I was reading your replies. For the first time in our entire marraige, I have to admit that I

cannot fix him. And because he has been broken for so long, I became broken as well. We cannot move forward with two broken people pretending that everything is going to be okay.
I am so sad about this, but I feel the stirrings of an inner resolve.

This is a very hard lesson to learn. It cost me many heartaches.

You can only fix yourself. I learned that a long time ago and was able to work through some really hard time that I thought I could help my H too. The key to that not working was he was not willing to help himself. That is why he cheated again. The second time I flat out told him. I could care less what you do. Its about me this time. I am the one who was hurt not you. I figured that no matter what happened I needed to be good no matter if he left or stayed. I was blessed to have him realize that he did need the help and was willing to do the work the second time.

Best advice now is to focus on what you can do at a single moment to make yourself a better person. Turn your mind from questions of H, to questions of you. Instead of: What if H..... To: What can I do to feel better? Why am I feeling this way? How can I feel better? Etc.

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