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The last time I see her

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sunsetslost posted 10/3/2013 19:03 PM

Looking for some advice or input friends. My STBX is working on a refinance to keep the house. If it goes well I could conceivably be free in 30 days. I'll probably stick around town for awhile, spend the holidays with my family here. Save some pay checks and head to the beach first of the year.

I have been thinking about the last time I see her. I'll see her at closing of course but I was wondering your thoughts on a last get together. The deed is done. I have some things I want to say to her and some questions I want to ask. Face to face. I want to bring a bottle of champagne, toast in the glasses we had specially made for the wedding, then smash them. I don't want to be nasty and I'll not permit her to be either. I just want a little closure. Or should I just walk away? Not even let her know I'm gone until I reach out come tax season?

Thanks

Nature_Girl posted 10/3/2013 19:19 PM

Save the champagne and heartfelt talks for when you meet a lady who's got a heart that's true blue for only you.

h0peless posted 10/3/2013 19:19 PM

There is no closure in any of this. Don't poke the bear in hopes of finding it. Strictly business.

suckstobeme posted 10/3/2013 19:25 PM

Walk away.

You will never get your chance to say what you need to say and then ride off into the sunset with a giant sigh of relief after the ceremonial glass smash. That's a good fantasy, but not a reality.

Unfortunately, they leave us enveloped in a mess and we are left to our own devices to climb out of it and find our own version of closure. It's a process and won't happen all at once.

I think the closest we ever get to closure is acceptance that what's done is done and that the person you married is dead.

Focus on you and your awesome plan of moving away to the beach. Find your center and your peace and your new you without her. She's no longer part of this. It's all about you.

hexed posted 10/3/2013 19:26 PM

My X still has two beautiful hand blown champagne flutes that my mom gave us on a our wedding day. I have no idea why he kept them.

I can completely understand the symbolism to you but really those things seldom go well. I'd like to have at least one of those beautiful flutes back. My X and I are even civil bordering on friendly and I still would not go there.

No amount of answers. No amount of talking. No amount of symbolism will ever add any more closure, provide understanding or add to the healing.

shiloe posted 10/3/2013 19:37 PM

Sunsetslost

Just walk away. No questions, no speech, no emotion or last parting sentiment. Don't give her any reaction, just a poker-face. When she is alone (or not) some day in the future (distant or not so distant), in the still darkness of the night, unable to sleep, and her mind is turning, ---let her think of you walking away, what she did, what she had and what she lost. Not the ego boost of showing emotional reaction of losing her, she is not worth it, don't give her even that. Leave with your honest faithful head held high. YOU kept your vows.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 10/3/2013 19:55 PM

You shouldn't have to see her at the closing.... make an appointment to take care of your signature either prior to her or after her. You do not have to do it together. And why bother ? Guaranteed, you will be more upset by seeing her than she will by seeing you. If cheaters cared, they wouldn't do what they do. It would be only hurtful to you. Don't see her, don't tell her where you are, where you're going, nothing. It's no longer any of her business.

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/3/2013 21:18 PM

I can feel your need for closure, stated perfectly and symbolically reinforced. Unfortunately, the unanimous advice you've been given here continues with my opinion. Sorry. You could try, but it just won't work.

You will find closure, but not through her. It will come, in time, from within you.

I like LifeIsBroken's advice to sign the documents before she arrives. Next best, sign them, shake everyone's hand at the table,including hers, friendly, as though you're OK. Turn around and walk out.

(O.K. ..... You could casually take your wedding ring off and just casually toss it in the trash can, on the way out the door, if you could pull that off!)

Seriously, my friend, I feel your pain. For me, there was no closure other than the realization that my xWW was and is not the person I thought she was, did not want the same things I wanted and cared much less for me than I thought.

Strength to you.

Must Survive posted 10/3/2013 21:25 PM

SL,

Just call your real estate agent or the closing company. Explain that the signings will need to be conducted separately, with NO chance of seeing her. Either different days or pm/am. They have to do this ALL the time.

Don't put yourself through the emotional turmoil of seeing her and signing away your home.

gypsybird87 posted 10/3/2013 22:29 PM

Someone on here far wiser than me said not to ask your wayward spouse those questions, because, "the answer you get will not be the answer you seek."

Which is so true. There is no answer she can give you that will make any of this okay, or justifiable. Nothing she can say that will make you feel any better. Based on my own experience, I can say that a harsh response from her will hurt. But a kind one will hurt worse. Because it will remind you of what has been lost.

For that same reason, I engineered things carefully at the end, regarding signatures, paperwork etc to avoid seeing XWH. I found that just seeing him was painful, because on the surface he still resembles someone that I loved with all my heart. And that was heart breaking, because I now know that he is not that person inside.

Are they his and hers glasses? Get together with some good friends, toast to your strength, your courage, and your new beginning. Smash her glass, but keep yours forever, to remind you that she is the one who was broken in the relationship, not you.

((hugs)) and hope whatever you decide to do, that it goes smoothly for you.

ladies_first posted 10/3/2013 22:48 PM

“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

Maxiom posted 10/3/2013 22:51 PM

As others have said here closure is an illusion.

What you want is that final hit of hope-ium. You will find it no where near as satisfying as you might think.

I didn't meet with the previous owners when I closed on my house, nether will you need to talk to her. Let everything be handled by the notaries/lawyers and just walk away.

ruinedandbroken posted 10/3/2013 23:37 PM

Don't make the mistakes I made. I was desperate for closure from him. I cried, wrote letter after letter, forced him to meet with me... None of it went well. Not only did I not get my closure from him, I got more pain on top of the pain he'd already inflicted. And I'm sure I fed his already super inflated, gigantic ego. I wish I never gave him the satisfaction.

sunsetslost posted 10/4/2013 10:30 AM

So, you guys aren't being very clear. You don't think it's a good idea?

Thank you as always for the advice and wisdom.

npain posted 10/4/2013 11:11 AM

What everyone is trying to say, Sunset is that you just have to let go of the dream to say things to her. It's not as if she cares about what you have to say to her. You won't get the response that you want from her. Closure is an illusion, you just have to walk away. Journal, write letters, write here, but the truth is, she's not worth your feelings anymore.

And I agree with the others to do the closing separately--less pain for you.

SBB posted 10/4/2013 11:20 AM

So, you guys aren't being very clear. You don't think it's a good idea?

You'd get more closure sticking your hand in a blender. Seriously. It would probably hurt less and do far less damage.

Do the closing separately. Smash the glasses.

Oh, how I envy you....

SeanFLA posted 10/4/2013 12:34 PM

Your hell only started in June. May seem like you're moving on, but in all honesty closure can take years. You're probably still angry, depressed and all that crap in between. Don't offer any big symbols or gestures of "the end" with her. It's not going to matter and only zaps your self respect that much more. She already had her closure when she decided to cheat on you. Don't give her the satisfaction that she knows you're still thinking about the marriage in any form, even of it's the form of the end. It feeds their inner egos more than you know. Keep real business like and pre-sign with the title office and don't see her. If she really wanted to see you again she would have already communicated that to you. The pain of rejection will only knock you back after all you've gained.

FieldsOfLavender posted 10/4/2013 21:34 PM

While the effect may not be what Sunset wants/hopes for, Sunset, you should do what YOU want to do. About 3 months after my stbx met whore, I SAW OWhore at a restaurant near my work. I had all her contact info and wanted to contact her and asked on a parenting blog some advice. I really wanted to confront the whore. Everybody on the blog discouraged me saying the vows were between my stbx and me not her. I never confronted her, now they are in a relationship and about to start a new family.

FieldsOfLavender posted 10/4/2013 21:35 PM

Let me add, I am wondering if I had confronted her, would their online romance flourished or would she have run away? I won't ever know.

sunsetslost posted 10/4/2013 22:08 PM

Thank you my friends. You have given me so much. A reality based perspective that fortunately my friends and family have little experience with. Ours is a unique perspective on marriage, on life. I've said it on here before : It's like having the answers to the test before class starts.

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