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polkadots posted 10/3/2013 20:18 PM

Hi, I was just asked to move the following post from reconciliation to here.

This is my first time posting on a forum. I'm Not sure if it's in the right place, or if a similar situation has been written about elsewhere. I couldn't find it. Basically, I started having an emotional affair about 2 weeks before I broke it off with my girlfriend of 5 years (I'm also a girl). Then, very soon after, the affair turned physical. I told my ex a month or so in. But I lied and didn't tell her when it started. (There was nothing physical until after we broke up). I decided to end it with the OW as it was toxic and poison and I'd realised very quickly what a terrible, horrible thing I'd done. By this stage, my ex had started seeing someone else. My ex and I started getting in contact a bit with email and text, so we decided to meet up. She had lots of questions. I kept lying about when it started with the OW. After a short time, I had been asked to interview for a job overseas. My ex hinted that maybe she could come too and we could have a fresh start. I wanted that so much, but I could never let that happen unless I told her the truth. So, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I did. Everything...I answered all her questions, even though I wanted to hide away.
So now, she wants to stay with the woman she's with, but she says she's confused. She said she just wants to live a simple life. I asked her if there was hope for us to reconcile, and she said she can't predict the future. I would do anything to regain her trust and work on what we had and turn it into something wonderful. But I can't do that while she's with someone else, as I don't want anything even remotely dodgy. She says she still loves me and doesn't know what to do, but wants to try to make it work with her new girlfriend.
Please don't say horrible things, as I feel such shame and remorse as I've never felt. I know why I did it and I know it's not her fault at all. Our relationship had problems, but that doesn't excuse what I did. I have been seeing a therapist and I am making huge inroads. I basically did what I did due to very low self-esteem, which I am rebuilding now. I have never done anything like this before and I never, ever will again. This all started late May, so it's all very recent and fresh. I'm writing quite clearly, but I'm aching deeply over what I did to my ex and our lives together. Please help.

Steppenwolf posted 10/3/2013 20:55 PM

Welcome... you have found an incredible place.

I would start preparing for the reality that she may be gone for good. My tendencies as a wayward are to try and manipulate outcomes in my life based on what I wanted. Duh, right? Sorry if that's stating the obvious. Everyone does this to an extent. However, I find that when I set expectations and try to manipulate, I cannot work on making myself a contributor to the world rather than the center of it.
The best thing this place can help you with is self discovery, which is what the goal is for many of us. When you work on your own shit you are giving yourself an opportunity to rid yourself of these shitty habits and behaviors you've acquired.
A question I would ask is what was going on at the end of your relationship that may have contributed to your affair and your decision to break things off with your long term GF?

polkadots posted 10/5/2013 03:44 AM

Hi Steppenwolf, thanks for your reply. The reality of her being gone for good is very difficult to cope with. I feel so wracked with remorse. I'd do anything to fix this whole sorry mess and to somehow make it right. I also feel incredibly lonely: I had moved to this city (from a different country) to be with her, so pretty much all my friends are her work colleagues, so I've thrown away my relationship, my friendships and a lot of work (as we often worked together, being in similar fields).

I feel like such a fool. It was like I was somehow on a drug or something, and then I kinda snapped out of it. At least if I had been drugged, there'd be hope, as it would make sense.

The relationship did have problems, but we could have fixed them. Nearly a year ago, though, she kinda "checked out" emotionally after a drama we had (involving family at Christmas, of course!). I just wish I'd kept at the course of trying to work through it.

She has said recently that she wants to go away and not think about me, her current GF or anything to do with the situation(she has a work/study trip for 3 months, starting late november) and then come back and see where her head is at. I'm not sure what to make of this, as I have to soon choose between staying here for work, or accepting an opportunity overseas. She said not to stay here for her, but if I go, am I losing any chance to reconcile?

Also, I guess, I'm a bit angry and frustrated. The OW is now back with her ex and they are happy, my Ex G is with her current girlfriend and seems happy, and I feel like a sad-sack pile of collateral damage. :(

My ex says she could see the OW was interested months before I realised. Turns out the OW has done this kind of thing many times before. I feel played and so very, very foolish. I want my old life back, but I know it's completely out of my control, so I feel stuck. I'm sorry to rant like this, it's just that I have no-one else to turn to. Everyone says I shouldn't have done it. I know that...that doesn't help me. :( Thanks for any advice or suggestions.

[This message edited by polkadots at 4:03 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/5/2013 07:58 AM

When I hear you say you're in therapy and making huge inroads: that to me is your answer. Keep at it. Stay single for awhile. Even if your ex is gone forever, you need to reconcile with yourself.

When you became emotionally involved with OW while still with your xGF, were you looking for an other words, a soft landing? Or, did OW approach you and since you were feeling vulnerable, you succumbed to her charms? The two scenarios are sort of two sides of the same coin, but OW may be a serial cheater (or sex addict) who cultivates new relationships for the emotional high and then drops them when the "new car smell" fades. Not blaming her for your choices, not even a little, merely suggesting you be on guard for this type of person in the future. Because your GF had clearly sussed out that OW was bad news, long before you did.

You may have lost any chance to reconcile with xGF, regardless of geography. Then again, she says she still loves you, and after taking a little time and space she may realize you're "the one" and buy a plane ticket.

Let go of the outcome. Work on yourself. And in the end it'll all work out as it's meant to.

Steppenwolf posted 10/5/2013 08:21 AM

Start looking at yourself. Try to get to your whys. If you can, start IC. Read read read. This must begin with you. When you look in the mirror, what do you want to see?
Sounds like your sadness comes from the loss/potential loss of your gf which is fine, but what about you? How did you get here? Why did you do this? The OW may have done this a thousand times. You know what? It doesn't matter. You did this. And if you don't want to do this again, focus on the work you need to do.

The OW is now back with her ex and they are happy

Why do you care?

my Ex G is with her current girlfriend and seems happy

Really? Even though she said this:

She has said recently that she wants to go away and not think about me, her current GF or anything to do with the situation

As for your job opportunity, Can you wait to make a decision until your fog has lifted and your head is clear?

NoGoodUsername posted 10/5/2013 09:36 AM


for starters, welcome to SI. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but this is a great place to come when you need it.

You have been getting very good advice so far. Take time to figure out your internal 'whys' and the environmental factors that led to having an affair. What in you needs to be changed? What habits do you need to alter? What environmental factors need to be removed from your life?

You have some hard days ahead of you, with or without your ex. Do what you can to face them honestly and without flinching. That's harder than it sounds because you will have to face some ugly things within yourself. If you need to talk about it here, please do so. Every person in the Wayward forum is at some stage of this process and we know what you are going through. The fear, the self-loathing, the regret (eventually remorse)and the ups and downs. All of it, someone here will understand.

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