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MJane posted 10/4/2013 07:08 AM

I find it so hard to know what to do and for almost 4 weeks have been hoping for signs - I know that I shouldn't take decisions quickly but i find living on this rollercoaster with my H around hell. I reread the note from OW and some mails - I've been waiting for weeks now for outpourings of love from my H that make me realize he believes he truly loves me (I also know I'd be skeptical of them if they did come). He is careful in what he says - tells me he does love me and that he is so sorry for the pain but I hear none of the romantic gushing he filled his mails to OW - I don't want crumbs and uncertainty anymore. Surely if he loved me he'd be making a fight of this? I think I will ask him to move out to give me time to think - he has his love flat still. Should he choose to restart with OW that is his choice and something I can't obsess about. This rug-sweeping from him is killing me and I just feel my broken heart needs much more convincing that he is able to give. Maybe he doesn't love me enough and the A is proof of that. To those of you that did have H move out how have you handled seeing kids and did it give you space to think?

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/4/2013 08:48 AM

I didn't have kids (thank god) with my cheater. I simply left his sorry ass.

We kept up a dysfunctional push and pull for a couple of months after I left, but his continued deceit and lying pretty much put the last nail in the coffin for me.

The one thing I absolutely refused to do was lower my expectations or blur my boundaries just to have him back in my life.

NO man is worth doing that.

Your best bet is to cut him off at the knees. If you continually let him know how much you love and miss him, then that just gives him a soft place to land and he knows he's always welcome to come home if things don't work out with his side dish.

So cut him OFF.

Since those are his kids too, don't let him get away with gratuitous 2 hour visits once or twice a week and then complete freedom to live like a single guy the REST of the time while you're caring for everyone the other 98% of the time.

If I were you, I'd come up with a fair child support amount per month that he needs to pay, and I'd also come up with a custody agreement that gives YOU a break as well as makes him act like a father and not some irresponsible party boy on the loose.

Lastly, ONLY talk to him about child related issues. No, "I miss you...." no, "I love you...." NONE OF THAT. Tell him that's ALL you'll discuss with him whether it's via text, speaking or email. Everything else is OFF the table.

I'm not kidding. Those guys who are allowed too much freedom to come and go into the family home as they please, and who are constantly being told how much they're loved and missed and wanted back whenever they come sniffing around are just being handed permission to continue doing exactly what they're doing - getting the emotional satisfaction of having their families while simultaneously living the life of a bachelor.

He can't have BOTH.

Cut him off at the knees.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:57 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 10/4/2013 09:29 AM

While we never really separated, I did deal with an H that was gone ALL THE TIME during the A. I was tired and frustrated with it. I was unable to do anything for me, because they were always my responsiblity.

When you make him leave be very clear that he is expected to spend one evening night per week, and every other weekend with him. If feesable make him take them 2 nights per week. The trick is to not rock their world too much right now, esp since you are in this unsure limbo. But kill the fantasy that he gets to be good time parent when he's with them, and the rest falling to you.