Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: betrayedinil (61145)

User Topic: Bothering me that he filed first
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my state it doesn't matter who files first. There is no benefit to filing first. One of the reasons I think I held out for so long was that my STBXH kept saying he didn't want a divorce. He didn't want to come home and he clearly didn't want to R, but I think that was his was of avoiding paying actual child support while continuing to feed me kibbles.

When I found out in September that he moved from his sister's spare bedroom into his own place without notifying me, I knew it was all really, really, and truly over. Even though I went to see my attorney in August, at that time I wasn't ready to file. After I found out he moved I immediately went NC and was putting my ducks in a row as far as finding a new place and getting ready to file.

I feel like when I went NC and he wasn't getting any info from me he fast forwarded and filed for D to ensure I wouldn't move. He didn't even pay for the filing fee (he applied for insolvency/ indigency but was denied). The Records show he owes the courts the filing fee. Nothing will move and there won't be a summons until he pays that fee.

I guess what's bothering me is that he filed first. He had the A, he abandoned us, yet he filed first

I'm just grateful I got out when I did (thank you SI friends for your incredible intuition) and that I still have my job/income and benefits and now I have options. But I do wish I would have done things in August (or hell, even in March right after DDay) and nipped this in the bud back then. Maybe In a couple of days I won't care. I keep telling myself I had just had a baby and have been doing everything on my don't beat myself up.

Anyone else have your STBX file first? Did you have similar feelings?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 7:32 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 39987
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to what you are feeling. I tried after the first DDay to get things back on track and with each DD it was harder and harder to where I finally had enough. Unfortunately even though I kicked him out I could not get into my lawyer for over a week so i could file for D. Once he found out that I was delayed he went and filed for LS. I was ticked! It felt like a control freak move and it took away my ability to make my own statement. After I stepped back and looked at it I was OK with it because I had struggled with my faith and being the one to file for D - even though cheating was his sins not mine. He took that burden off of me.
I am sorry too that you are sort of stuck in this process since he didn't pay all the filing fees. I feel like we go from one limbo land into another. I am looking forward to the day that I can close the door on this chapter of my life and move forward.

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of have the opposite problem. My L has told me NOT to file but I want to be D, like yesterday. I reached my required 12m of separation and I'm hoping he does it soon.

IMO he blew up the marriage he can deal with the paperwork and filing fee. I'd do it myself if I could list "Multiple Infidelities on the loser Husband's part" as the reason. I may need to contact my L again and see if I can do something like that.

Fuck him. Let him pay the fee, do the running around and unentangle you from this mess legally.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6004 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine tried to serve me on her own and it was devastating. I didn't even get the chance to make the decision. That's what hurt so much. And that's what made me feel like I was thrown out with the trash. I think it was the darkest days of my life for sure. She originally sent me divorce papers via email. Not even served. And everything on it was like "You take what's minimal and leave, while I stay in the big house and keep ALL the bank accounts, savings and my 401ks." It was so humiliating. I contacted an attorney and she told me to do nothing. I had every right to stay in the house. The paperwork she emailed me meant nothing. She actually was waiting for me to do something "responsible" as she put it. Like filing so she wouldn't look like the total schmuck. I sat back and let her do all the work if this is what she wanted.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:43 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

BS(me) 50
WW 49
1 son 17 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO he blew up the marriage he can deal with the paperwork and filing fee. I'd do it myself if I could list "Multiple Infidelities on the loser Husband's part" as the reason. I may need to contact my L again and see if I can do something like that.

Fuck him. Let him pay the fee, do the running around and unentangle you from this mess legally.

This right here. In my head I had a deadline for when I would file if he didn't but I encouraged *him* to hurry up and file. When I went NC except kids and finances, refused to do a damn thing to make his life easier and refused to keep his affair a secret, (It really bothers him that anyone knows that Mr. Nice Guy is a cheating asshole), he finally filed about 6 months after I kicked him out.

He thinks I wasn't willing to do any of the paperwork for him or sit and "work on it together" because I didn't want it. I didn't help because I had enough stress putting my life together and healing from his abuse. I let him pay for everything and fill out all the paperwork, letting him know that I wouldn't hesitate to make this a LONG and expensive process if he wasn't willing to stick to our verbal agreements while filling out the legal documents.

The fact that he was the one filing made him more willing to give me exactly what I asked for. In the end I got way more than I would have if I filed first, caused a "narcissistic injury" and made him feel like he needed to get back at me some more. He could keep those false feelings of control because his money is worth WAY more.

In the end it was strategic. The more I made him feel like he was in control of the end of this marriage the easier it was to get him to roll over.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 1:36 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 35288
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure his not paying the fee means he's really filed? Why can't you submit papers on your own terms now, pay the fee and have THOSE papers submitted to the court.

Have you spoken with an attorney yet?

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
♀ 38405
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH threatened to file during a child support court hearing so I waited a week, then filed on my own. If he had the balls to "file" or threaten to file, then do it for him. Mine was shocked and "avoided" being served. It didn't matter though because the state Marshall called him and told him the paperwork was on the way, then wrote me a letter for the court stating such. Now he is scrambling. The divorce will be complete next month and STBXH has asked me twice to speak to him in person. Won't say why though but it won't help him out none.

You obviously see where his mentality is.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 680 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex filed first. He had multiple affairs, walked out and left, and abandoned me completely.

I feel the opposite though. I'm glad he filed first. I mean, I'm sure I would have filed eventually, but I'm glad he beat me to it. I'm glad I can tell my kids that I can tell myself that I stuck it out and tried and I wasn't the one who ended it. I'm glad that he didn't have the option to lie and say that he would have tried to reconcile but I filed for divorce, trying to make himself look like a victim. I'm glad that he didn't have the opportunity to say, "Look how bitter she is! She filed for divorce and is trying to take me for all I have!" I'm glad he didn't have the opportunity to paint me as an aggressive bitch and him the poor victim. I'm glad I didn't have to go through the emotional pain of being the one to put that nail in the coffin. I'm glad that I don't have to tell my kids that I walked out on our family and then filed for divorce without trying to fix what I broke.

Like I said, it was only a matter of time and I would have filed myself but I'm really glad I didn't have to.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 8&11
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand how it can irk you. In your case, I think he is a controlling prick so filing first is all part of his M.O. He wants to be in control as to how all this plays out.

My stbx would have filed first if it didn't involve reading so much papers . So instead, he handed me a 2 inch thick stack of paper and wanted me to do all the work. Idiot.

I hope this issue doesn't bug you for to long ~ I hope that you are able to process it and think "oh fuck him" and continue on. His filing first has nothing to do with you, just as the A and abandonment has nothing to do with you. You are one strong momma who will move on beautifully.

Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm actually waiting for mine to file first. We've been NC and S for months, but he has been telling people that we started having M problems back in November and *I* ultimately decided we had too many "compatibility issues" for me to continue living with him and I left. He still keeps all of our photos up on FB and pretends like he's still attached to me and the pup to the virtual world and is hiding OW. I want him to have to face the reality that that life is gone and to stop manipulating his image.

If I file first, he'll then spin *THAT* to be a story about him, the poor victim of his mean W. He loves the sympathy. He used to call me and leave messages during Ddays detailing how all of his coworkers were "rallying around him" and taking him out to dinner, etc... yeah, because they don't know what he really did and he kept showing up to work crying and telling people I had abandoned him... jerk.

But, of course, we don't have children and our finances have been severed already. He's still paying for some stuff, but I'm prepared to handle it if he stops. And I'm not ready to start dating or anything. So, right now, it isn't a burden for me to wait him out.

So, strategically, I think it's fine that your WH filed first.

It just hurts in terms of pride and hope. But the more he does these kinds of things, NewMom, the more it will continue to be a reality for you that this isn't going to be a R with this guy. That part sucks, but it's necessary. :(


BS / D

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand this idea and it spurred me on to file first...I wanted to be "Plaintiff", but mostly to show X and OW that I had a small backbone. I felt a tiny bit of integrity from it even though I also felt like it was giving him what he wanted-I eventually managed to make it about myself and my children and not him.

In another way to think about it, I realized that he is already out living his life, but by remaining in purgatory, I was holding myself up. And, some respect came after that, from people who didn't know my true self before and this has helped immensely.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.