SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I can't give affection he needs

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

ddame23 posted 10/4/2013 07:50 AM

In the course of our trying to reconcile, and to determine the "Whys" of his affair, my husband has determined that some of the things he needs most in relationship is to receive affection, to feel loved and be told that he is desireable. I am so saddened by this because I really don't feel any of thises things for him. He literally doesn't look like my husband to me. I feel like I am living with someone from whom I always have to be on guard, how can I be affectionate to this person? Our sex problems gofar back and since his affair, I can't be comfortable enough in bed with him to see him as desireable, just as the man who calculated his affair. He told me he weighed pros and cons with his therapist prior to proceeding to a PA with his affair partner. How can I look at him with any sence of affection or love knowing that he planned this out, weighed the pros and cons and decided that our marriage and I was not worth making a different decision?
Has anyone else felt this "nothingness" and how do/can you get past it?

bionicgal posted 10/4/2013 08:38 AM

What the hell did his therapist say? That is bizarre.

Are you in MC? The sex/desireablity part has to be worked through, because it isn't fair to either one of you to have that missing forever. But, if your dday is recent, then you are dealing with a lot right now. I would say just keep talking about it and get some help from a better therapist!

MartlArts posted 10/4/2013 13:43 PM

If he is truly remorseful and committed to R, he will suck it up for awhile and accept that your current lack of attraction is a direct result of his behavior. Don't let him blameshift. His therapist should have counseled him to work on romance with you if PA was tempting him

MartlArts posted 10/4/2013 13:43 PM

If he is truly remorseful and committed to R, he will suck it up for awhile and accept that your current lack of attraction is a direct result of his behavior. Don't let him blameshift. His therapist should have counseled him to work on romance with you if PA was tempting him

Knowing posted 10/4/2013 15:41 PM

I read your posts back to the beginning of September. Until about 6-8 months post DDay I was numb. I was still in shock. I was probably depressed since I couldn't get out of bed until 7 months post DDay, so I wonder, are you numb? In shock? Depressed? All of the above? Or are you just done?

As for your WS' need for affection. Have you done the 5 Love Languages online quiz? Is there any chance if you felt that your needs might be met that you might feel like meeting his?

blakesteele posted 10/4/2013 16:06 PM

The whole viewing your spouse in a new light post-A is something I feel too.

We too had issues with intimacy pre-A.

We are not improving fast enough for either of us.

We are hopeful a new intimacy will enter our marriage in the future.

In the mean time we both recognize this is a time thing....it may be a never thing. We will cross that bridge when we get there.

I feel this is one of the aspects of a relationship that is toughest to fix within a marriage then it is with a new person. ie: divorce. New person sex is very exciting and stimulating all on its own....it can actually exist on its own. Our challenge is to process through all of the pain and hurts of our history together....pre, during, and post-A.

My driver is to break the cycle I lived for 15 years...and that is to change myself. Changing my wife is not an option (cant make a person change)....choosing a new mate is an option, but that will give me the opportunity to stop growing and just enjoy the bliss of a new relationship.

I miss fun sex...but I desire more....I desire a healthy intimacy. Not sure what that looks like....I have had fun sex.

This past year has been too much work to throw it all away to just have fun sex again. By throwing it away I mean stop maturing emotionally or divorcing and finding a new woman....both would confine me to only achieving fun sex. Sure, a new woman could have fun sex that evolves into true intimacy....but that would take even more time! I hate wasting time!

So I don't know how to get past the nothingness you speak of. This is where faith comes in.....must believe that healthy sex will come to you without any evidence....and, because of adultery, have faith healthy sex will come to you in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:07 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Kierst13 posted 10/4/2013 17:49 PM

He told me he weighed pros and cons with his therapist prior to proceeding to a PA with his affair partner.

Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying he actually talked with his THERAPIST about his affair and then ramped it up to a PA?

Sweet Mary, Mother of God. The deep, deep levels of conscious, purposeful betrayal are unending.

I think you have to hope that time and him doing ALL of the necessary work will somehow heal that pain.

I cannot wrap my head around talking about an ongoing affair with a therapist and choosing to not only continue the affair, but increase it to PA.

blakesteele posted 10/4/2013 18:29 PM

....it does appear your husband and his therapist worked up a list much like you would when you decide what type of car he would buy.

To be sure, I get that WS can fool all they touch....my wife took her A from EA to PA after 7 consecutive weekly MC sessions and a few IC sessions scattered in that same time period.....but that was in secret....my counselor was as totally surprised as I was. I cant imagine a counselor would actually approach infidelity with this tactic. The deep betrayal that I felt would seem like childs play compared to the tactics of your husband....IF it is as it seems.

I am hoping, like the others, misread your opening statement.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:30 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

ddame23 posted 10/7/2013 15:50 PM

Thanks for the responses. No, there is no misunderstanding, unless his timeline is not accurate anymore, and his memory seems to be fading after a year, he told me that he weighed the pros and cons and his IC asked him if he could see himself putting energy into the relationship AFTER having the affair.

Thanks for all your responses. Hi affair is all kinds of screwed up in ways that I can't explain on even an anonymous forum, but it does help to see that othrs have struggled with similar issues.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 3:51 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

sisoon posted 10/8/2013 11:30 AM

Sorry to come in late. What did his IC say while your H discussed betraying himself and you?

The C owes loyalty to his client, your H, but I don't think a good C helps a client cheat. If your H doesn't let you talk to his IC about this, it's a big red flag, IMO.
*********************

If the issue you post about s a small issue in an otherwise good R, ignore the following.

If your H is pressuring you for sex, he's way off base. The BS can pressure the WS, but IMO a remorseful WS may express her desires but she better follow her BS's lead.

Of course, an unremorseful WS just plows ahead and demands what she wants. She didn't think about her BS during the A, and, unremorseful, she still isn't thinking about her BS.

My bet is that your H's desires are unhealthy. I bet further that he doesn't take in and appreciate the love he does get, and I also bet no one can satisfy his idea of what he 'needs'.

What he does need is to figure out how to rejoin the human race and have reasonable expectations of himself and of other people. Based on what you write, you're loving enough. He's got the problem.

What sort of support are you getting? If you're not in IC, I'd urge you to try it out so you stop seeing yourself through your effed up H's filters.

You need to see yourself as you really are, and IC can help that. Just be prepared to see yourself as a lot better than you think.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.