All this shit hurts. Their anger and rage towards us hurts like a mother effer.
But remember that this anger is the face of their pain. They are injured... Pretty damn bad. And if we are asking them to try to work through this and stay with us, they need to be allowed to work through it. We force-fed them a shit sandwich, so they should be allowed to throw it up if they need to.
So, yes, they do need to get it out of their system. And we as WS have to develop a suit of armor. My BS has said afterwards "I know this sucks for you but I honestly feel so much better afterwards. I can't explain it."
Well if it makes her feel better by her calling me a few names, I can deal with that. And she has said some pretty effed up hurtful things. I don't typically fight back. Depending on the situation, I nod like "Ok, I guess I have that coming." I tell myself that OK, I did this and this and this, so I deserve that.
Now Skip you are going on a year and if it hasn't gotten better, then she is not getting what she needs from you. If you are fighting back or arguing back, you'll get nowhere.
Empathy. and understanding. and patience. And Love.