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Reading the thread about those who didn't tell the BS, I noticed there were quite a few people who mentioned the BS knew and perhaps encouraged the A.

I wondered how often that happened.

Also, how do you feel about the OPS (other person's spouse) and do you feel they were actually betrayed?

I'll share my story in the next post because, as usual, I ended up writing a novel.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 8:40 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

In our situation MrH and xOw1's BH were cops on the same shift. She came to visit one day, met MrH and was attracted to him. They decided to invite us to hang out.

As the couple friendship developed they would talk about things that made me feel a bit creeped out, but I would shrug it off. After all, we're supposed to be accepting of other people's lifestyle choices, right?

What we should've done was build stronger boundaries. Especially MrH. Apparently he and the BH talked about our sex life...which was really good at the time. At some point the BH mentioned swapping, which MrH nixed. It was apparently after that that xOw1 began playing us against each other. At first she acted like their M was in the dumps. We had lots of talks, with me sharing our past struggles and issues.

Then she began using that knowledge and drive a wedge between us. If I felt like MrH flirted with a waitress too much, she would (privately of course) tell me I was right and if I didn't stand up for myself she would. Then, after I ripped MrH a new one, she and her BH would tell him I was being ridiculous and invite him to sleep in their guest room.

Eventually she got what she wanted...to screw MrH. Then she told him after a couple of weeks that if he didn't tell me, she would in the most hurtful way she could. I'm sorry, even a sad faced clown with a room full of roses and "I'm sorry" balloons is crushing...I can't even begin to imagine what she had planned.

So he told, downplayed it to be an EA, not the PA it was. I went apeshit on her because I had seen her flirting with him but had stupidly trusted him even if she rubbed me the wrong way. Called her all sorts of names then refused contact. Back then I didn't realize I had a right to demand NC from MrH...I was pathetic and gave him anything I could to save my M. Nearly anything that is...

Then the BH would call me and try to get us together so I went NC with him. Then, in talking with xOw1, MrH decided the best way to get past it was for me to have a sit down with the BH and we could bond and it wouldn't be so bad. Apparently he was being pushed by xOw1 to pimp me out to soothe the BH as that was the deal...she gets hers, he gets his.

Finally, xOw1 told MrH that she would "do Holly" as a "Chasing Amy" type solution.

Now, I can't believe how stupid I was to not just KNOW it was a PA. Sure I suspected between 6/99 and the final confirmation 1/07. But I should've KNOWN.

And I hesitate to call the BH a BETRAYED because to me, he was really a part of this. He was only betrayed in that he didn't get what he wanted from this exchange. TBH- while I don't have the strong feelings about the BH that I do about xOw1's actions...a part of me would love to see him eat a part of the shit sandwich I had to deal with because him and his wife wanted to play around. You wanna do that-- do it with couples that are BOTH in the know.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 9:54 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

Wow, Holly, what a couple of sociopathic assholes the xOW1 and its BH are. Yuck!

The BH (whom I hesitate to call BH, also) in our sitch didn't encourage at all. I feel he was probably in the dark, too. Which was really stupid to trust his cumdumpster seeing as how he was the MOM that helped to break up OW's first marriage.

I don't see how he is a BH if he was involved in the affair like that.

The OBS in my sitch was aware that something was inappropriate in our case. His way of dealing with it was to totally ignore that it was happening or ever happened.

OTOH, I was telling everyone that would listen what happened, which caused him to intensely hate me - a very misdirected emotion, IMHO.

I don't believe that he encouraged the A, but he did nothing to discourage it. His actions, IMHO, enabled them to continue thePA for much longer than it needed to go.

Also, 2 years after the initial A, they re-kindled their lurve. She was going on overnights with her "girlfriends", when in reality -> she was with my Wxh. Had he kept in touch with me, we could have headed it off and perhaps salvaged 2 marriages.

The A started in October, EA at first.

In December OBH called WS and told him to stay away from his wife or he would call me. The next day OBH called WS and told him he could have OW, which WS took literally.

I didn't find out about the A until February.

I wish he would have called me.

When we did finally talk, OBH told me that when he told WS to stop talking to his wife or he would call me, WS said "go ahead, she won't believe you".

I would have believed him.

obs supposedly knew a week to 10 days before I did. Now that I think about it, I wonder why I believe this; maybe it's true; maybe he knew a lot longer. The 'lovers' told him they were to be permanent and he could accept or leave, or maybe his W just told him he had to accept the sitch. He was a peripheral part of the relationship all along, having introduced W to ow2b.

I'm still angry at him. I don't wish him harm, but I wouldn't ever do much to help him.

I was not deemed evolved enough to accept that my could love 2 people and maintain 2 relationships. He sat in one part of his apt while ow and W fooled around in the BR.

Yup. I'm triggering now. Fuck! (But this thread didn't cause it - it's helping me vent.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:25 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

In my case, the BH really was betrayed. He thought he and his wife were onlies and he was devastated. I strongly suspect that my husband wasn't her only affair based on a number of things I won't go into.

I can't even imagine the added issues of the couple being friends and the BS being okay with it. I agree that you just don't push your sexual proclivities on a couple in which both partners don't share them.

OW got divorced from a long term marriage the year before I found out about ex cheating. So I don't know if the affair was why her marriage also ended, or if pursuing a married man was OW's response to being divorced, because she was too insecure to be alone.

If the affair did cause her divorce, it would have been really nice if the oBS had clued me in, instead of letting me be oblivious for several more years. Otoh, for all I know he was told I knew, and was okay with it. Probably goes along with the "OW was married to an abusive guy because he yelled at her" story I got.

But at this point, it doesn't matter if he knew or not, and didn't tell me. I just don't care any more.