In our situation MrH and xOw1's BH were cops on the same shift. She came to visit one day, met MrH and was attracted to him. They decided to invite us to hang out.
As the couple friendship developed they would talk about things that made me feel a bit creeped out, but I would shrug it off. After all, we're supposed to be accepting of other people's lifestyle choices, right?
What we should've done was build stronger boundaries. Especially MrH. Apparently he and the BH talked about our sex life...which was really good at the time. At some point the BH mentioned swapping, which MrH nixed. It was apparently after that that xOw1 began playing us against each other. At first she acted like their M was in the dumps. We had lots of talks, with me sharing our past struggles and issues.
Then she began using that knowledge and drive a wedge between us. If I felt like MrH flirted with a waitress too much, she would (privately of course) tell me I was right and if I didn't stand up for myself she would. Then, after I ripped MrH a new one, she and her BH would tell him I was being ridiculous and invite him to sleep in their guest room.
Eventually she got what she wanted...to screw MrH. Then she told him after a couple of weeks that if he didn't tell me, she would in the most hurtful way she could. I'm sorry, even a sad faced clown with a room full of roses and "I'm sorry" balloons is crushing...I can't even begin to imagine what she had planned.
So he told, downplayed it to be an EA, not the PA it was. I went apeshit on her because I had seen her flirting with him but had stupidly trusted him even if she rubbed me the wrong way. Called her all sorts of names then refused contact. Back then I didn't realize I had a right to demand NC from MrH...I was pathetic and gave him anything I could to save my M. Nearly anything that is...
Then the BH would call me and try to get us together so I went NC with him. Then, in talking with xOw1, MrH decided the best way to get past it was for me to have a sit down with the BH and we could bond and it wouldn't be so bad. Apparently he was being pushed by xOw1 to pimp me out to soothe the BH as that was the deal...she gets hers, he gets his.
Finally, xOw1 told MrH that she would "do Holly" as a "Chasing Amy" type solution.
Now, I can't believe how stupid I was to not just KNOW it was a PA. Sure I suspected between 6/99 and the final confirmation 1/07. But I should've KNOWN.
And I hesitate to call the BH a BETRAYED because to me, he was really a part of this. He was only betrayed in that he didn't get what he wanted from this exchange. TBH- while I don't have the strong feelings about the BH that I do about xOw1's actions...a part of me would love to see him eat a part of the shit sandwich I had to deal with because him and his wife wanted to play around. You wanna do that-- do it with couples that are BOTH in the know.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 9:54 AM, October 4th (Friday)]