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update on the meeting

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Alyssamd24 posted 10/4/2013 10:57 AM

So the meeting with my former boss and Pastor of the church went better than I expected. Nothing major came out of it, but I feel much better now that I spoke to both of them.

They explained why my DD was not allowed to continue at the center, which like many of you said, was because it would be too difficult for everyone involved, myself included when I went there to get her or drop off. This is especially true because in a couple months XAPs son would be moving up to the same class she was in.

They also explained that part of her going there in the first place is because I was an a consequence of my actions my employment ended...there fore so didn't her being a student there.

Both my former boss and the Pastor explained that they realized where I was coming from and how I felt, and agree that it isn't fair I am the only one who received consequences. I am not trying to play the victim cuz I know I am not....but I just mean that they do understand. They think it was admirable that I was honest with both of them what happened, and am glad I am trying to pick up the pieces and fix the damage I have caused.

As for the XAP, they both told me they don't believe his story at all and are basically waiting for him to screw up so they can ask him to leave the program. The amount of lies he has told to everyone is remarkable; he told his BW that the Pastor had told him this isn't the first time I had lied about something like this and had caused issues with other families before. This is obviously not true, and the Pastor called him out on it in front of his BW.

It's still astounding to me that he could come up with so many lies, and that I at one time had respect for him and thought he was a good person. makes me sick to think I was so blind.

So now the next step is to put it all behind me, and wipe my slate clean. I am happy with how the meeting turned out and am glad I went through with it...but now it's time to focus only on my family, relationship with my BH, and our future.

Unagie posted 10/4/2013 13:59 PM

The time to focus on your BH was directly after DDay, instead you continued to lie and have contact. When you finally go NC you decide you haven't had closure and need to express to all who will listen about how be should have consequences too. You keep saying you're not playing the victim but that fact that you are not getting support from your "family" has you angry. You feel better now that nothing is still being done but hey they told you how admirable you are. Nothing you have done has shown even an inkling that you are working on you, your whys or your R. You quit your job yet harp about how unfait it is. You cheated the consequences are harsh and justly so, now do you think you're readyy to actually face them or will there be something else you will find to focus on again?

SisterMilkshake posted 10/4/2013 14:02 PM

I am glad you got what you felt you needed from the meeting, Alyssamd.

Now it is time to put that all behind and focus on you and your family only.

unforgivable5 posted 10/4/2013 14:21 PM


The amount of lies he has told to everyone is remarkable

and this...

It's still astounding to me that he could come up with so many lies

You are surprised that a liar is lying?? You gotta stop giving this assclown anymore of your headspace. Whether its anger or not, its wasted energy.

Anyway, I hope you feel like you got what you needed and you are truly ready to focus on what is important. I wish you the best.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/4/2013 14:23 PM


While I appreciate hearing the opinions and advice of other people on this site, I don't appreciate having people tell me that I have done nothing to fix myself, my whys, or to R with my husband. Unless you live in my head, or my house you have no idea what I have done.

I am dealing with the consequences of my A and have been doing so for the last 11 months. I am trying to fix myself and my M and am trying to get through one day at a time.

Am I angry about the lies XAP told about me? Yes I am extremely angry and am trying to get past that....everyone always says to just stop thinking about it, but it's much easier said than done, and I shouldn't be made to feel like shit because I am struggling with that.

And yes I do feel better now that I spoke to them and heard how much they "admire" me...I care what other people think about me, and didn't want to be thought of as the crazy lying manipulative teacher.....should it matter what they think? May be not, but it does make me feel better now knowing that my former boss and coworkers don't hate me and understand that I am a person who fucked up and made a lot of bad choices.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 10/4/2013 14:25 PM

So you feel much better, great.

Ask yourself, do you feel much better because the meeting went well? Or do you feel much better because you got a glimpse of what was going in with your AP? Because (for now) your curiousity about him has been subsided. What happens the next time you begin to wonder if he is suffering along with you?

Really think about your motives here. It's not necessary to respond to me but don't sell yourself short with a knee jerk response.

Aubrie posted 10/4/2013 14:43 PM

You got your validation fix. Of course you feel better now.
They patted you on the head, fed you ego kibbles.

You seriously need to sit on and really think about the posts from Unagie and WOES. They are former waywards. They know the pathway. Its not projection. Its prior experience they speak from. And I think they both hit the nail squarely on the head.

Unagie posted 10/4/2013 17:12 PM

Alyssa I was being honest in my post from whag I viewed. Do I know its not easy to stop thinking of consequences for AP, not easy to know they suffered naught, not easy to not be mad at the lies and manipulation....I was there once too and believe me the whollops I got from my fellow waywards made me angrier. I stand by my words and perhaps you're not rdy to face them but I see your actions and justifications to have this meeting as more selfish behavior and more needing to feel goo about you again coming from more external validation.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/4/2013 19:09 PM


I'm a BS, just in the interest of full disclosure. My d-day was June '07 and I didn't sign up here until '08, but I lurked here from before my d-day (about Jan. '07, I think, is when I started lurking here. So, I've been here for about six years and nine months. My M is reconciled and has been for a few years,so I harbor no ill will towards WSs.

In my time here, I've watched a LOT of WSs go through this process, including my own and some who've posted on your threads. A very common theme is the need for external validation. Until you learn how to get that from within, you're an unsafe person for YOURSELF, first and foremost, and then others. So, I agree that the WSs here are correct in pointing that out to you.

I also think that a lot of the posts I've seen from you lately are keeping you in a mind frame that is keeping you in the A, if only in your mind. Pondering your role as the OW and worrying about when OM will see consequences are mentally keeping you in the past, when what you need to be doing is working on the present and the future. Try to remember that engaging in these thought processes isn't hurting OM, it's hurting YOU.

I'm trying to be very gentle here because I feel it's very important for you to be able to hear this and absorb it.

For me, I harbored tremendous ill-will toward the OW in our situation, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER get closure and this situation will NEVER be fair to me. The OW in my situation was a sociopath, truly, so there's no such thing as consequences for those who are incapable of even feeling. So, I HAD to let it go. I had to accept it. Not for *her*, but for myself. Also, my M stood no chance of R as long as I was focused on her. You have to find a way to return your focus to your H and your M. Nobody else matters.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/4/2013 19:24 PM

I don't even know what to think anymore...if I feel I have done something right or have made progress then something happens and I feel like I am right back at square one.

I'm so frustrated with myself

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/4/2013 19:32 PM

I don't even know what to think anymore...if I feel I have done something right or have made progress then something happens and I feel like I am right back at square one.
I'm so frustrated with myself
OK, let's explore that. Is it because you felt some satisfaction from the meeting, then didn't get kudos for it here? If not, why do you feel you're back at square one? How did your H feel about your need to have this meeting? How did he feel about the outcome?

Are you frustrated because you're in uncharted waters and don't really know what to do? Because everybody has to find their way through this. None of us came here knowing what to do.

Mrs Panda posted 10/4/2013 19:42 PM

I agree about that getting a pat on the back and a slam against the OP was not really a step forward. of course you want to feel like the good guy again. But that reward comes from time and consistency and living authentically.

What are you doing to not need external validation? That us what Ungaie and others are asking.

I think you felt good about this meeting because you "won" a little bit against the OP. You felt vindicated. Relieved that they "admire" you.

it's a tough thing actually. living as a wayward and realizing more and more every day how horrifying our choices were. For ourselves. For others. We don't get a clean slate though, Alyssa. We learn to live with it. By being better.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/4/2013 21:21 PM

I'm frustrated cuz I think I am doing good and making progress and then (from this site) am forced to realize thats not the case.

I don't mean that to sound rude cuz I am grateful for it once I get over the initial defensiveness. But it sucks cuz it means I am at square one and am no closer to fixing myself.

And I am frustrated because I don't know how to do this but really want to.

My BH supported my decision to go to the meeting. He wasn't at all surprised by the outcome. And when I told him about the responses to this thread, he agreed with what others were saying.
And here is a stupid question....what is external validation?

LovesLaboursLost posted 10/4/2013 21:34 PM

External validation is other people telling you how awesome you are. Which is nice, but a healthy person knows their worth without needing to be told. If you need other people to praise you before you can feel ok about yourself, it's a problem. That stuff has to come from within.

Aubrie posted 10/4/2013 21:38 PM

External Validation - Looking to other people or things to feel good. To feel better about yourself. To make you feel good. You knew that the AP was lying. You knew the truth. But you couldn't leave it at that. You just had to go to that meeting so someone would agree with you, pat you on the head, and validate you.

Didn't solve anything. Didn't change anything. The AP is still a lying cheat that isn't facing the consequences. But you got a fix or "high" off the validation from your boss and work family. Someone is on "your side". It made you feel better about yourself.

External validation is why some of us WS are here. We couldn't be ok with us. We didn't believe in ourselves, we had no self-esteem, whatever. So we look to our AP for validation. "Tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm hawt, tell me what a Babe I am..." You get the picture. They feed us this stuff because we can't believe in ourselves for ourselves. kwim? And you know what? Deep down, even with AP 1, 2, 3, and 4 telling me this crap, I still didn't believe them.

You have to learn how to be ok with you. To not be dependent on other people for that "fix. That's where "working on your crap" comes into play. That's part of doing the hard work.

Make sense?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:45 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 10/4/2013 22:27 PM

Yes it makes sense.

I think I may have figured out part of my "why".

Well, I didn't do it but you all helped

Trying33 posted 10/5/2013 02:37 AM

We couldn't be ok with us. We

didn't believe in ourselves, we had no self-esteem, whatever. So we look to our AP for validation. "Tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm hawt, tell me what a Babe I am..." You get the picture. They feed us this stuff because we can't believe in ourselves for ourselves

Sounds super familiar.

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