She found out about the A a year ago, but I convinced her is was just an EA not a PA. But, a year after my W found out, the OWs H contacte my W and told her it was a PA. So that's what I'm dealing with now. The A ended in August of last year and I haven't been in contact with the OW since. My W and I are in MC (gone twice) but I'm not very hopeful right now. I was thrown out of the bedroom along with everything I own and was sleeping in the guest room for about a month. Then our middle son wanted to move back in, so I was "allowed" to move back int the bedroom. On a side note, the sex has been awesome since she found out and it's like she's a different person in that regard. Anyway, I guess my W is still in contact with the OW H and he's been feeding her a bunch of crap about what happened. My W promised several times she'd stop contacting him, but she hasn't and there isn't enough room for the 3 of us. Wasn't enough room for the 3 of us when the OW was involved either.
So, last night after therapy, we go for dinner and she goes ballistic during dinner. Didn't notice any triggers, she just went OFF. We left before finishing our meals because she was getting a bit loud. All the way to the car she's calling me horrible names and then screaming at me all the way home. The language coming out of her mouth embarrassed ME and she was so loud I had to put my finger in my right ear. We got home and again she was name calling all the way into the house. I'm sure the neighbors heard it - We went inside and she went upstairs with her After the Affair book or Surviving Infidelity - not sure, and we started to read. I started to read a post from SI and she fell asleep. Alrighty then. Nitey nite. So this morning I give her a kiss goodbye and tell her to have a nice, I get the same from her.
I get to work and she immediately starts to Skype me about the A and is asking questions. NEW questions. She goes on and on and I answer honestly but again, she doesn't believe me. No reason she should, I'm a liar and a cheat and a few other choice words. No, I'm NOT feeling sorry for myself. I own this, I caused it, and I'm trying to make amends for it. The Skype conversation continues and now I'm being told to sleep in the guest room again. Which means my son has sleep on the couch. I'm not happy about this move since I just moved back in a week or so ago!! I know her emotions are on a roller coaster, but my suitcase isn't. I'm trying to decide if I should move out for a while or sleep on the couch. She has threatened that if I move out, the marriage is over so I've been working hard to keep my butt in the house. My patience runs thin when she negates everything and I know I've argued back - there doesn't seem to be anything positive coming out of her mouth about our marriage, our future, our past, or ME! Everything is negative. The wounds are fresh, and I understand that, and I'm really trying to accept the beatings I deserve. But with her now throwing me out of the bedroom again, should I just move out or continue on the journey? I'm not going to uproot our son and make him move out of HIS bedroom because I'm being thrown out of hers.
Any help would be appreciated.
[This message edited by FullARegret at 3:08 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
HBO makes a good point an good apology, a clear story on paper so she does not mix dates or events up, and no more lying, you had lied from day one, so enough of that. That is one thing I decided to do when I had my A come out, I would tell everything, answer all questions, even though it was uncomfortable as hell. I think that may have helped a little for BH to make sense of it. When I was lied to before by BH during his EA, it ruined all future trust, he is a big liar to me now, he lies about little things sometimes, it boggles my mind, but his mom and sister are the same way so family trait I guess. Anyways, if there is nothing left to say after you told the truth then just offer your apologies and reassurances of never becoming a repeat offender. Women need to hear reassurances more than men do, and actually be faithful, don't decide that just because she is giving you hell you should go else where for "consolation".
I tell you what, I am lonely as hell sometimes, but I made my bed. I can leave anytime but I love him and I recommitted myself to him, and you did the same so follow through. No one said it was EASY! Cuz it ain't
[This message edited by stupidgurl at 4:24 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
2002/3 (him) EA
Tog. 16 yrs, Marr. 15 and counting!
She keeps negating the TRUTH because she "knows" what the truth really is. No she doesn't - and if she does, then why does she keep asking me the same questions?
Have you every filled out a timeline for her? Every gory, explicit detail she wants? Every date, event, position, kiss, smirk, sext, email, IM. have you put it all in order and put it on paper so that she can refer to that?
Have you offered up a polygraph?
I tried one time, telling her what she wanted to hear (not the truth) and that was fine.
My W promised several times she'd stop contacting him, but she hasn't and there isn't enough room for the 3 of us. Wasn't enough room for the 3 of us when the OW was involved either.
And I think it's kind of crappy for you to be mad at her for talking to him when she is trying to make sense of it all and figure the story out. She wouldn't really have to do that if you hadn't kept lying to begin with. It's different if they're on the phone with one another and boo-hooing about how crappy life is and "hey wanna get coffee!?". That's the beginning stages of an EA. Which is a whole other conversation.
Are you completely open and transparent for her? Are all details of the A out in the open? Are you holding anything back? If you are, that resets the clock to day 1. It's a new Dday.
I get a sense of anger and irritation from you when you discuss your wife. You created this mess. And if you're going to work things out with her, you're going to have to buckle up.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:48 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
Now, my BW won't celebrate her birthday, my birthday, mothers day, or our anniversary because I met her at the hotel allegedly near those dates. That's partially why she was screaming at me last night - she claims it we 5 days before her birthday. I HONESTLY don't remember what days it was. I'm a guy, I have enough trouble remembering to brush my teeth in the morning let alone the dates I met the OW at the hotel.
But, I'll try to sit down with her and go over the timelines. Hopefully, it won't prove to be too big a trigger right now.
I've been totally open and transparent. I don't have the old emails, or texts - everything was either wiped out or on my business iPhone which I turned in a few months ago when I left that company. So, there was NO paper trail and nothing I can dig up.
Yes, I've agreed to a polygraph several times, then she says it's okay, you don't need to take it. Then she hits me with again -
The only reason I'm mad about her talking to the OWs H is my BW KNOWS for a FACT that he lied about some things, but she believes everything he says. Hard to prove a negative - "I did NOT kiss her" - PROVE IT. You can't.... I'm not saying I didn't kiss, just using that as an example.
I did recommit to her and I've been trying really hard, but it seems like I can't do anything right by her. Without exaggeration, she's mad at me every day about something. That was pre A and post A -
Thanks again for the feedback and ideas. Maybe I'll try and sit down with her over the weekend and lock down the timeline for her.
And, I've already told my son NOT to move anything out of his room. I'll either sleep on the couch or figure out something else.
[This message edited by FullARegret at 4:59 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
Now, my BW won't celebrate her birthday, my birthday, mothers day, or our anniversary because I met her at the hotel allegedly near those dates.
I'm a guy, I have enough trouble remembering to brush my teeth in the morning let alone the dates I met the OW at the hotel.
It's understandable that you may not remember everything, or even specific dates. 18 months is a long time.
When your wife says, "WHEN!?" Don't say, "I'm a guy! How am I supposed to know!?" That escalates the situation. A soft answer is required. "BS, I am not quite sure. However, I will go over the AP's work logs and any information on my end to try to piece things together to give you some peace of mind."
Also, maybe take the initiative to do a poly on your own. Schedule it. And tell her that you're doing it, and would she like to provide the questions she wants asked to the person administering the test.
it seems like I can't do anything right by her.
The sun is out? Fuck you for cheating.
The grass needs mowed again? Fuck you for hurting her.
You are the victim of a car accident? Fuck you for being in the way of the other driver. And fuck you for cheating.
It's not rational. It's not always "fair". But then, neither is the situation we put them in. My husband wasn't a typical rager, but I faced his anger in other ways. There were many times that things completely out of my hands were my fault. I had to do what I could, and walk on. He came around eventually.
I do understand your frustration with the other BS making false statements. You must understand, he's just as hurt as your wife. You manhandled his wife. And he's going to do everything in his power to make your life hell. Especially if he knows your BS is going to light into you about it. Don't argue. Don't admit to anything that you really didn't do.
Consistency. And time. Those are the keys. You consistently tell all truth, all the time. Work on yourself, do your best to rebuild. In time, she will see that your actions are backing up your words.