Forum Archives

Return to Forum List


You are not logged in. Login here or register.

FullARegret posted 10/4/2013 15:03 PM

I've been lurking and reading, but this is my first post. My A was with my high school GF who I found on FB. I never should have clicked that SEARCH button! Biggest mistake in my life. The A went on for about 18 months, but of course my W and her H don't believe it. They think it went on longer. I'm a liar, so nothing I say is believed and my W negates pretty much everything I tell her. She keeps negating the TRUTH because she "knows" what the truth really is. No she doesn't - and if she does, then why does she keep asking me the same questions? I KNOW that I caused this and I have to be patient, but when you tell the truth and you're told NOPE that's not what happened. What the hell am I supposed to do? I tried one time, telling her what she wanted to hear (not the truth) and that was fine. HUH? So, do I continue to tell her what she WANTS to hear, or KEEP telling her the truth?

She found out about the A a year ago, but I convinced her is was just an EA not a PA. But, a year after my W found out, the OWs H contacte my W and told her it was a PA. So that's what I'm dealing with now. The A ended in August of last year and I haven't been in contact with the OW since. My W and I are in MC (gone twice) but I'm not very hopeful right now. I was thrown out of the bedroom along with everything I own and was sleeping in the guest room for about a month. Then our middle son wanted to move back in, so I was "allowed" to move back int the bedroom. On a side note, the sex has been awesome since she found out and it's like she's a different person in that regard. Anyway, I guess my W is still in contact with the OW H and he's been feeding her a bunch of crap about what happened. My W promised several times she'd stop contacting him, but she hasn't and there isn't enough room for the 3 of us. Wasn't enough room for the 3 of us when the OW was involved either.

So, last night after therapy, we go for dinner and she goes ballistic during dinner. Didn't notice any triggers, she just went OFF. We left before finishing our meals because she was getting a bit loud. All the way to the car she's calling me horrible names and then screaming at me all the way home. The language coming out of her mouth embarrassed ME and she was so loud I had to put my finger in my right ear. We got home and again she was name calling all the way into the house. I'm sure the neighbors heard it - We went inside and she went upstairs with her After the Affair book or Surviving Infidelity - not sure, and we started to read. I started to read a post from SI and she fell asleep. Alrighty then. Nitey nite. So this morning I give her a kiss goodbye and tell her to have a nice, I get the same from her.

I get to work and she immediately starts to Skype me about the A and is asking questions. NEW questions. She goes on and on and I answer honestly but again, she doesn't believe me. No reason she should, I'm a liar and a cheat and a few other choice words. No, I'm NOT feeling sorry for myself. I own this, I caused it, and I'm trying to make amends for it. The Skype conversation continues and now I'm being told to sleep in the guest room again. Which means my son has sleep on the couch. I'm not happy about this move since I just moved back in a week or so ago!! I know her emotions are on a roller coaster, but my suitcase isn't. I'm trying to decide if I should move out for a while or sleep on the couch. She has threatened that if I move out, the marriage is over so I've been working hard to keep my butt in the house. My patience runs thin when she negates everything and I know I've argued back - there doesn't seem to be anything positive coming out of her mouth about our marriage, our future, our past, or ME! Everything is negative. The wounds are fresh, and I understand that, and I'm really trying to accept the beatings I deserve. But with her now throwing me out of the bedroom again, should I just move out or continue on the journey? I'm not going to uproot our son and make him move out of HIS bedroom because I'm being thrown out of hers.

Any help would be appreciated.

[This message edited by FullARegret at 3:08 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Hisbunnyonly posted 10/4/2013 15:54 PM

she doesn't know what to believe because you lied to her during the affair and then lied to her for a year after she found out. i did the same to my BH, and the way he basically explained it was he was so quick to believe me when i told him it was just EA, that to then find out it was PA was even more betrayal, and so then he was afraid to believe anything, in his mind, whatever i told him, it was actually probably 10 times worse IRL. have you made her a timeline? that was what eventually helped up. i made the timeline, and then anytime he asked questions afterward i would answer them and he had that timeline to go back and look at to back up my story. it didn't work overnight though.
when she's yelling at you and talking to you in that way, show her love and comfort but calmly explain to her that you want to tell her anything she needs to know, you want to be there to support her, but you will not allow yourself to be talked to in that manor either. it's not beneficial to either of you

stupidgurl posted 10/4/2013 16:21 PM

Maybe you could sleep on the couch and your son could keep the room.

HBO makes a good point an good apology, a clear story on paper so she does not mix dates or events up, and no more lying, you had lied from day one, so enough of that. That is one thing I decided to do when I had my A come out, I would tell everything, answer all questions, even though it was uncomfortable as hell. I think that may have helped a little for BH to make sense of it. When I was lied to before by BH during his EA, it ruined all future trust, he is a big liar to me now, he lies about little things sometimes, it boggles my mind, but his mom and sister are the same way so family trait I guess. Anyways, if there is nothing left to say after you told the truth then just offer your apologies and reassurances of never becoming a repeat offender. Women need to hear reassurances more than men do, and actually be faithful, don't decide that just because she is giving you hell you should go else where for "consolation".

I tell you what, I am lonely as hell sometimes, but I made my bed. I can leave anytime but I love him and I recommitted myself to him, and you did the same so follow through. No one said it was EASY! Cuz it ain't

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 4:24 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 10/4/2013 16:46 PM

Why kick your son out of his room? You're the one who cheated. The couch will do.

She keeps negating the TRUTH because she "knows" what the truth really is. No she doesn't - and if she does, then why does she keep asking me the same questions?
Well she knows that you cheated. She knows that you turned her life upside down. She knows you've continually lied about it all. She knows that she can't really trust you.

Have you every filled out a timeline for her? Every gory, explicit detail she wants? Every date, event, position, kiss, smirk, sext, email, IM. have you put it all in order and put it on paper so that she can refer to that?

Have you offered up a polygraph?

I tried one time, telling her what she wanted to hear (not the truth) and that was fine.
Do not ever do that again. If you're still lying, even in the name of "pleasing your BS", it's still a lie.

My W promised several times she'd stop contacting him, but she hasn't and there isn't enough room for the 3 of us. Wasn't enough room for the 3 of us when the OW was involved either.
She has every right to be in contact with him on the details of the affair. They're both trying to make sense of this. If you feel that he's feeding her crap, give her proof of otherwise. Emails, IM logs, copies of texts.

And I think it's kind of crappy for you to be mad at her for talking to him when she is trying to make sense of it all and figure the story out. She wouldn't really have to do that if you hadn't kept lying to begin with. It's different if they're on the phone with one another and boo-hooing about how crappy life is and "hey wanna get coffee!?". That's the beginning stages of an EA. Which is a whole other conversation.

Are you completely open and transparent for her? Are all details of the A out in the open? Are you holding anything back? If you are, that resets the clock to day 1. It's a new Dday.

I get a sense of anger and irritation from you when you discuss your wife. You created this mess. And if you're going to work things out with her, you're going to have to buckle up.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:48 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

FullARegret posted 10/4/2013 16:58 PM

Thank you for the good ideas. it seems that my BW and the OWs H have already done their timelines. The OW was a flight attendant so I had to take the opportunity when she was in the city. So, the OWs H got her schedule and compared notes with my BW.

Now, my BW won't celebrate her birthday, my birthday, mothers day, or our anniversary because I met her at the hotel allegedly near those dates. That's partially why she was screaming at me last night - she claims it we 5 days before her birthday. I HONESTLY don't remember what days it was. I'm a guy, I have enough trouble remembering to brush my teeth in the morning let alone the dates I met the OW at the hotel.

But, I'll try to sit down with her and go over the timelines. Hopefully, it won't prove to be too big a trigger right now.

I've been totally open and transparent. I don't have the old emails, or texts - everything was either wiped out or on my business iPhone which I turned in a few months ago when I left that company. So, there was NO paper trail and nothing I can dig up.

Yes, I've agreed to a polygraph several times, then she says it's okay, you don't need to take it. Then she hits me with again -

The only reason I'm mad about her talking to the OWs H is my BW KNOWS for a FACT that he lied about some things, but she believes everything he says. Hard to prove a negative - "I did NOT kiss her" - PROVE IT. You can't.... I'm not saying I didn't kiss, just using that as an example.

I did recommit to her and I've been trying really hard, but it seems like I can't do anything right by her. Without exaggeration, she's mad at me every day about something. That was pre A and post A -

Thanks again for the feedback and ideas. Maybe I'll try and sit down with her over the weekend and lock down the timeline for her.

And, I've already told my son NOT to move anything out of his room. I'll either sleep on the couch or figure out something else.

[This message edited by FullARegret at 4:59 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 10/4/2013 18:09 PM

Now, my BW won't celebrate her birthday, my birthday, mothers day, or our anniversary because I met her at the hotel allegedly near those dates.
That is completely understandable. We ruin those dates for them. Sometimes they can claim those triggery times back, sometimes they can't. But either way, it's a process of time. A long time. Like, 2-5 years. And that's the fast track.

I'm a guy, I have enough trouble remembering to brush my teeth in the morning let alone the dates I met the OW at the hotel.
Don't use the "I'm a guy" thing as an excuse to not know dates. First of all, it has nothing to do with being a "guy". I'm married to someone that can remember dates better than I can. And I'm a woman. Women supposedly "don't forget anything" right?

It's understandable that you may not remember everything, or even specific dates. 18 months is a long time.

When your wife says, "WHEN!?" Don't say, "I'm a guy! How am I supposed to know!?" That escalates the situation. A soft answer is required. "BS, I am not quite sure. However, I will go over the AP's work logs and any information on my end to try to piece things together to give you some peace of mind."

Also, maybe take the initiative to do a poly on your own. Schedule it. And tell her that you're doing it, and would she like to provide the questions she wants asked to the person administering the test.

it seems like I can't do anything right by her.
This ties in with the anger of a BS. Doesn't make sense, doesn't make it "right". But they're in a world of hurt. Be prepared to be the target of alot of crap.

The sun is out? Fuck you for cheating.

The grass needs mowed again? Fuck you for hurting her.

You are the victim of a car accident? Fuck you for being in the way of the other driver. And fuck you for cheating.

It's not rational. It's not always "fair". But then, neither is the situation we put them in. My husband wasn't a typical rager, but I faced his anger in other ways. There were many times that things completely out of my hands were my fault. I had to do what I could, and walk on. He came around eventually.

I do understand your frustration with the other BS making false statements. You must understand, he's just as hurt as your wife. You manhandled his wife. And he's going to do everything in his power to make your life hell. Especially if he knows your BS is going to light into you about it. Don't argue. Don't admit to anything that you really didn't do.

Consistency. And time. Those are the keys. You consistently tell all truth, all the time. Work on yourself, do your best to rebuild. In time, she will see that your actions are backing up your words.

Joanh posted 10/4/2013 22:55 PM

Number one. you are going to bebouncing all over the place. and so is your spouse. She can't believe anything cause you lied. We all have lied to our spouses and our consequence is that we cannot be believed. The proof is what we gave them.
I am struggling with the anger from my BH, I want to scream and say, please listen to me , when I say I love you I mean it when I say I am so Sorry I mean, when I say it's my fault I mean it. The problem is, I have also lied to my BH face. So that now no matter how honest I am he will allways wonder if I speak the truth or am just manipulating him or protecting myself.
So even though it hurts you and maybe something she says embarrasses you. To Bad. What you and Ihave done . Is honestly way worse and we actually are very lucky they give us the time of day.
Think about it, are you not physically ill with yourself , can you look at yourself in the eye when you look in the mirror? Iam very ill to my stomach and so would live to have a new body and face, so just imagine how your wife feels, when you touch her talk to her anything. If she just found out that it was a PA now its like having Dday all over again.
I'm sorry, Its frustrating, and your scared and hurt and fearful. And in lots of us that shows up as anger , frustration and defensive.
I get angry too, remember though that anger belongs pointed toward yourself not your wife. You do have the right to respect and at some point it will be required to be able to communicate.
As been asked of me, are you in IC or MC.
BE strong , I have been told it all will be worth it. Even if its just you getting to be a better person.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.