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Am I being unreasonable?

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cluless posted 10/4/2013 15:25 PM

I'm at day 34 from d-day. I had my WH move into the guest bedroom, he was there for 3 weeks and my son had to move back into our house, so that put him back into our room.

I'm NOT ready for him to be in there. I'm still at the screaming at him calling him every name in the book stage, the almost suicidal phase, the how the hell am I ever going to get over this phase, the I'm a worthless piece of shit phase, I'm STUPID for believing in marriage phase, the WHO THE HELL am I married to phase, the HE DID A LOT OF THIS TO GET BACK AT ME, LOOK AT THE DATES HE HAD SEX phase, I could go on but you get the idea.

He's still getting frustrated and yelling back at me. He's still threatening to leave but then realized if he did I would lose my health insurance and die. I asked him to sleep in my son's room, he does not mind at all to sleep on the couch until I feel comfortable having him near me. He now has told me he either sleeps in our bedroom or he's out. Which means I'm dead.

I'm NO WHERE near reconciliation, I'm still trying to get the rest of the truth out of him that I KNOW he is keeping from me. He swears he has told me everything, if I told you HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS SWORN AND LIED, well I DON'T believe him. I know threatening to fuck guys near his birthday (like he did to me) or near or on our anniversary (like he did to me) or near mother's day (like he did to me) is mean, but that's how I feel right now. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. I WANT HIM TO GET IT and I don't see that he does. I've made advances to him, asking him just to hold me "he's not in the mood." I know we have other shit going on, but it's about me right now, isn't it? Am I supposed to put my feelings aside and take care of his?


lieshurt posted 10/4/2013 15:37 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain hun. ((((hugs))))

I don't know your whole story, but have you consulted a divorce attorney? If not, there may be ways to address the insurance coverage, so you don't go without. What about anxiety medication? Have you consulted a doctor about that? It may help you right now if you aren't already on it.

cluless posted 10/4/2013 18:04 PM

No, I was hoping he would go through the process but it's clear he can't do it. I can't have him making demands on me at this point.

Yes I'm on xanax and going to take more

Broken1Again posted 10/4/2013 19:24 PM

Sorry I want to be brought up to speed, I'm not understanding something, how does him leaving leave you without health insurance?

cluless posted 10/4/2013 19:30 PM

I was reading on the Internet that states that if HIS insurance carrier finds out that we are separated or divorcing, they can revoke my health insurance. If I don't have health insurance, I can't get my medication that has put me into remission. I will die without it. Therefore, if my WH leaves me or I leave him, I will most likely die. Somebody suggested seeing a divorce attorney, I guess there is a way to FORCE him to pay for me to keep my insurance? I didn't think it was going to come to that, but he's no longer willing to work on our "marriage" and I use that term loosely.

ontheslope posted 10/4/2013 20:01 PM

Yes - Health Insurance can be part of the divorce agreement, as I understand. You could make this item #1 for you - that you won't agree to anything unless he pays the insurance.

I'm sorry that you have to be in that situation.

ETA: Depending on the medication, there are also ways to obtain it for free through assistance programs from the pharma company. Don't discount this as a possibility, and it is something that you can look into ahead of time.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 8:02 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

cluless posted 10/4/2013 20:44 PM

I guess that is where I'm at this point. He's making up things to use as an excuse to leave me. He doesn't need an excuse. If he would have been respectful and just told me he wanted to see what would happen with his ex=girlfriend, yes I would be hurt, but at least I could have moved on. Instead, he has an affair for 18 months, then when I discover the affair, lies to me for an entire year. Well he's still lying, now I can't believe a word he says.

I really think he just wants me to leave, but I'm not going to make it that easy on him. If he leaves, that's it, it's final. I will file on Monday. I will not be bullied or coersed into saying something that isn't true. I'm glad I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Hopefully she will give me some skills to get over this. Thanks for your help in this.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/4/2013 23:24 PM

Our situations mirror each others so much!


Im having some of the same issues with my WH, hes still in the defensive, I dont want to talk any longer, stop asking me all these questions but I still want to save our marriage phase.

Im in the same phase that you are.

I hope that one day they get it and just start trying and stop being such a cry baby.

We didn't have the A, we didn't betray them, we didn't take out marriage vows with a grain of salt and throw them in the gutter.

whyme1525 posted 10/6/2013 18:21 PM

Health insurance can be part of a divorce agreement I know this for sure cause I would lose my insurance if I divorced my wife so I asked a divorce attorney if.there is anyway to make her pay.for my insurance and he said of course since I did.nothing wrong to end tha marriage..

cluless posted 10/6/2013 18:38 PM

That is a relief. I want to work on my marriage, but if I can't get past all the lies and deception, at least I know I won't end up dying for his infidelity.

Do people even stop to think anymore, or are we all programmed for instant gratification? Fuck the cost to the people we steamroll, it is after all about ME! For the life of me, how you can do this to your marriage is BEYOND anything I can comprehend at this point. I think anybody can talk themselves into anything and giving justification to it is easy. The questions are should you? Do you know what the difference is between right and wrong? Does it even cross your mind for a moment that with your selfishness and need for whatever it is your after really worth risking a marriage? Kid's respect? Families respect? Friends respect? I think ALL BS should shout it from the rooftop. I don't CARE if he's shamed for the rest of his life, it was HIS choice, not mine.

whyme1525 posted 10/7/2013 00:07 AM

I can't agree with you more clueless!!!! I seriously don't think they know how much this hurts.. I think about how she could do this evry night all night I haven't slept a full night since D- Day witch was 6 weeks ago. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst nightmare!!!!!

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/7/2013 11:26 AM

Cluless, please stop equating dying with him leaving. That's not an acceptable reason for either ONE of you to continue with this horrible situation.

Do you honestly want him to only stay with you for health insurance purposes? The man keeps saying he wants to leave, so let him. Stop begging him and guilting him into staying. You don't want any man who feels obligated to stay with you but clearly lets you know how much he hates being there. My God, you deserve better than that - ANYONE does.

You need to call a lawyer TODAY.


Stop the insanity and stop making assumptions about the health insurance until you talk to someone who can give you the real answers to your questions. At least with a little actual knowledge under your belt, you can then make rational decisions and not fear-based one.

Please. Call a lawyer now.

cluless posted 10/9/2013 21:39 PM

Not dying b/c of him, dying because I wouldn't be getting my medication. I read that if we separate, the insurance company can legally take me off the policy. There is NO insurance company that would pick me up b/c of my disease.

So I was worried about that, not dying without him, hell no! I'd be alright, I guess just have to let go of the dreams I had for us.

Nature_Girl posted 10/9/2013 23:29 PM

Sister, you are not talking sense. It is obvious you have not talked with a lawyer. You're letting emotion & hysteria drive your decision-making process.

You need to dial back the extreme black & white thinking. You need to stop making the situation a life or death catastrophe.

You absolutely CAN have health insurance as part of a divorce settlement. Be prepared to give something else up to get it, though.

I am losing my health insurance when my divorce is over. I, too, need medications to live. I have talked with my pharmacy, they have a special program for people in my situation. They will work with me. I've also contacted the hospital. They have a charity program for people like me. They will allow me to apply for it. I'm also told that I may be able to qualify for the Obamacare program.

My point is, there are options out there for women in our situation. They require a lot of pride to be swallowed and for a change in how life ought to be. But there are options.

Your first step needs to be to consult with a couple of attorneys. Also, talk to your doctor about your situation. Doctors know what's available and generally do want their patients to live.

Take this one step at a time. Your first step needs to be to consult with a couple attorneys.

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