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Dday by confession or finding out

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SpiderGrl posted 10/4/2013 17:01 PM

Do you feel that finding out by confession is "easier" than busting your wh? I really struggle with the "what if" of it.

topperoff22 posted 10/4/2013 17:04 PM

YES! Because being lied to over and over and over and over and still lying even when he was caught was torture. It set us back a HUGE amount. had he confessed when I found all the receipts on AMazon for the gifts he sent her it would have been way better for him than how it went down. I had to search for the answer I didn't want to find and the lies made it all even worse.

cantaccept posted 10/4/2013 17:10 PM

I found out when I opened computer to our shared email, he left it there, suggestive email, I felt the ground give way, it was horrific.

What was worse is that he walked out the same day, no remorse, no sadness, he seemed happy, like he was just leaving on a brief trip.

He called upstairs to me when done packing, "I'm leaving, I've got my stuff" in a light happy tone. I don't know if that will ever leave my memory.

I do see how huge the way you find out and the actions post dday influence the recovery.

I feel like more damage was done post dday than up to the point I found out. Sure, it would have been painful, difficult, heartbreaking but it just feels like crap piled upon crap piled upon crap. Even still, the crap pile is growing taller.

How did you find out?

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/4/2013 17:27 PM

My wBF confessed. I got out of the shower and was trying to have sex with him, and he sat me down on the bed and confessed. All this horrible stuff. I was only wearing a towel. I told him to leave, and then I threw up.

Then months of TT.

I think it's hard however you find out.

Tearsoflove posted 10/4/2013 17:29 PM

I had one of each. They both sucked.

Definitely having him tell me without having strangers start telling me about my own marriage was preferred but it didn't really change the mad search for information that ensued.

Really, it's going to be unimaginable pain no matter how you find out. Either way, you rehash issues in your marriage to figure out just how much of a lie you lived. Either way, you are now looking at a spouse who isn't exactly who you thought you married. Either way, your foundation is shaking and you're trying to get your footing.

And since your spouse obviously lied during the course of the affair, you still wonder if you have the whole truth no matter who tells it to you. You still search to find what you're afraid you missed. You still wonder what about you wasn't good enough that your spouse could do this to you. You still struggle to find the you from before the person you thought you knew better than anyone destroyed you.

You go through hell no matter how you find out. The only difference between confession and being told is that you didn't get information about your own marriage from an outsider. Either way, you still have to evaluate the quality of the information.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:30 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

MoreWould posted 10/4/2013 17:43 PM

I always wondered about that too, liked to imagine that a sincere confession would have spared me the pain of finding out via a stranger, followed by crazy-making TT. Even with direct testimony in my hand, my WW still tried to deny it.

But it never goes like that, and like so many here have already said, it hurts like Hell no matter what.

I've been practicing giving up all hope for a better past for over 30 years. It does get better.

IDeserveMore posted 10/4/2013 18:18 PM

Mine was finding out. I feel like it's worse. This is because I think he would never have told me. He swears it was dwindling but I had no evidence of that. I found her number as a half hour phone call that took place while I was out studying for a huge board certification exam. Then he denied and denied.

I feel like it would have been so much better if he would have told me.

PrincessPeach06 posted 10/4/2013 19:20 PM


neverdidithink posted 10/4/2013 19:26 PM

Found out.

Amex had lots of details for me which send me into full investigative mode. He's still freaked out by how much I was able to piece together.

OldCow18 posted 10/4/2013 19:33 PM

I found out. I can't imagine the hurt being less had he confessed, but some things I struggle with wouldn't be the case if he had...for instance, I wonder how long it would have gone, would they have eventually fell in love, would he have left me for her if they had more time to form a relationship. If he confessed and had ended it himself and been honest I wouldn't still worry that he has feelings for her/wants her. I wonder that because I blew it up before he was ready to end it he will always in some way pine for her. I forced them apart, kwim? Also, a confession means he "gets" it to an extent, it would mean he "woke up" instead of me pouring the cold water over him.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 7:34 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

summerain posted 10/4/2013 19:36 PM

DDAY1 caught
DDAY2 confession

both had their negatives and positives. Due to the person regarding DDAY two however, if he hadn't confessed and I still had suspicions (it was apparently over for a week)

would of been the death of us.

summerain posted 10/4/2013 19:36 PM

duplicate :)

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:16 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

sailorgirl posted 10/4/2013 19:50 PM

I discovered. In my case this was better because I found email evidence of everything they did.

I told WH that I'd read it all and knew it all, so there was no opportunity for TT. Also, the fog lifted fast and WH was relieved to go NC. From reading on SI for 9 months, I think TT and false R would be the worst nightmares.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/4/2013 20:03 PM

I found out. He confessed when I asked him, he didnt have much of a choice with the proof I found in his phone. I sometimes think that if he would have just told me it would be better. I think that I would have appreciated it more if he told me but I would still wonder and have questions. But I might have found it easier to trust him? Idk really, just thoughts.

Either way I have a lot of questions and I feel in my gut hes not telling me everything in complete honesty. Regardless of how I found out Im sure I would still be dealing with the same issues.

Peaches2013 posted 10/4/2013 20:07 PM

I found out.

It wasn't easy. I had suspicions when he returned from his convention.

I looked at the phone logs at work (like an idiot) and put a couple of things together and then found the pictures he had sexted to her on his Skydrive. Nothing like finding a few dick pics by surprise at work.

I texted him that I was leaving work early and did he want to join me. He told me later he had a feeling I knew and he was trying to figure out if he was coming home to all of his belongings on the front lawn.

RidingHealingRd posted 10/4/2013 20:09 PM

My WH could not deny it...MOW rang our doorbell.

OldCow18 posted 10/4/2013 20:14 PM

Sailorgirl, good point, I doubt had he confessed that it would have been the full truth and he would have already deleted the evidence. But would that be better than having their email conversations burned into my brain forever? Idk. It all sucks no matter how it goes down.

FR2012 posted 10/4/2013 20:44 PM

My husband found out by finding text messages on my phone. He told me that he would have rather me tell him then for him to find out. He told me that it makes it harder finding out because of the lies and deceit.

Honestly, I wish I would have had the balls to tell him instead of him finding out how he did. I know that it hurt him more that way.

Either way, it still sucks and hurts them.

rachelc posted 10/4/2013 21:10 PM

I confessed. He was caught. Twice. This makes no difference to me as far as affairs are concerned but trust, damn nearimpossible....
I will never trust him again.,,, I'm worthy of the truth, no matter how bad it is...

Jrazz posted 10/4/2013 21:13 PM

It made a huge difference to me. I got an out-of-the-semi-blue confession. Granted, I knew something was wrong, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine THIS.

In our case, his "redeemability" stock went WAY up because he came clean. Well, mostly. Had some TT for a few weeks, but it was NOTHING compared to what some other members have been put through.

In the end, it only matters what it means to us personally.

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