What was worse is that he walked out the same day, no remorse, no sadness, he seemed happy, like he was just leaving on a brief trip.
He called upstairs to me when done packing, "I'm leaving, I've got my stuff" in a light happy tone. I don't know if that will ever leave my memory.
I do see how huge the way you find out and the actions post dday influence the recovery.
I feel like more damage was done post dday than up to the point I found out. Sure, it would have been painful, difficult, heartbreaking but it just feels like crap piled upon crap piled upon crap. Even still, the crap pile is growing taller.
How did you find out?
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
Then months of TT.
I think it's hard however you find out.
Definitely having him tell me without having strangers start telling me about my own marriage was preferred but it didn't really change the mad search for information that ensued.
Really, it's going to be unimaginable pain no matter how you find out. Either way, you rehash issues in your marriage to figure out just how much of a lie you lived. Either way, you are now looking at a spouse who isn't exactly who you thought you married. Either way, your foundation is shaking and you're trying to get your footing.
And since your spouse obviously lied during the course of the affair, you still wonder if you have the whole truth no matter who tells it to you. You still search to find what you're afraid you missed. You still wonder what about you wasn't good enough that your spouse could do this to you. You still struggle to find the you from before the person you thought you knew better than anyone destroyed you.
You go through hell no matter how you find out. The only difference between confession and being told is that you didn't get information about your own marriage from an outsider. Either way, you still have to evaluate the quality of the information.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:30 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
But it never goes like that, and like so many here have already said, it hurts like Hell no matter what.
I've been practicing giving up all hope for a better past for over 30 years. It does get better.
I feel like it would have been so much better if he would have told me.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
Amex had lots of details for me which send me into full investigative mode. He's still freaked out by how much I was able to piece together.
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 7:34 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
both had their negatives and positives. Due to the person regarding DDAY two however, if he hadn't confessed and I still had suspicions (it was apparently over for a week)
would of been the death of us.
[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:16 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
I told WH that I'd read it all and knew it all, so there was no opportunity for TT. Also, the fog lifted fast and WH was relieved to go NC. From reading on SI for 9 months, I think TT and false R would be the worst nightmares.
Either way I have a lot of questions and I feel in my gut hes not telling me everything in complete honesty. Regardless of how I found out Im sure I would still be dealing with the same issues.
It wasn't easy. I had suspicions when he returned from his convention.
I looked at the phone logs at work (like an idiot) and put a couple of things together and then found the pictures he had sexted to her on his Skydrive. Nothing like finding a few dick pics by surprise at work.
I texted him that I was leaving work early and did he want to join me. He told me later he had a feeling I knew and he was trying to figure out if he was coming home to all of his belongings on the front lawn.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Honestly, I wish I would have had the balls to tell him instead of him finding out how he did. I know that it hurt him more that way.
Either way, it still sucks and hurts them.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
In our case, his "redeemability" stock went WAY up because he came clean. Well, mostly. Had some TT for a few weeks, but it was NOTHING compared to what some other members have been put through.
In the end, it only matters what it means to us personally.