SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/4/2013 21:38 PM

Im sitting here, at work, and I just felt my whole heart drop. I was okay then out of nowhere I just feel like giving up. I see all these happy couples right now and Im wondering if they are dealing with, or have dealt, with an A. I see random men and I wonder if hes "one of them", one of those men who cheat on their wives. I see woman with their Hs and I wonder how long until she finds out hes a cheater.

Why is this happening to me? WH tells me he wants to save his marriage. Dammit then why did you ruin it? I just want to give up. Take the time to deal with this without him and then maybe one day fall in love with a man who truly understands the sanctity of marriage and not take me for granted for one second.

Starting over with someone else would surely be easier than starting over with a man who cheated.

[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 10:59 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Jrazz posted 10/4/2013 22:41 PM

You took the words out of Jrazz-circa-2011's mouth.

I could have written this post word for word a few years ago.

All I can say is that it's up to you to see whether the M is worth saving, but if you have a remorseful WS then you have time and resources to discover that.

Remember that you don't have to make any decisions today or tomorrow... just take everything one step at a time as you regain your sense of self.

((s2b))

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/4/2013 23:02 PM

Thank you so much. I hope that one day I can get past this. I just feel so lost sometimes. My WH is remorseful....sometimes. Well I know he is all the time but when I want to talk about it he retreats back in his shell and "doesn't want to talk anymore". I could care less about what he does and does not want to do.

Im just waiting for the day that he "gets it" and actually tries bc he knows he needs to show me, not try hoping its enough to keep me quiet for awhile.

SpiderGrl posted 10/4/2013 23:06 PM

Every time I see a man and a woman getting in to a car in the parking lot of my workplace I wonder if they are married or sleeping together...

Every time I see a man on his cell phone in his vehicle early in the morning I wonder if he is talking to an AP.

And this is my life... you are not alone.

heme posted 10/4/2013 23:07 PM

I feel like this quite a bit.. Why even try with someone who would willingly hurt me when I could start over with someone who shares my same values... I read somewhere on here not to make any sort of long term decision for at least 6 months so Im giving myself time.

Jrazz posted 10/4/2013 23:08 PM

The thing is, waiting for that is a death sentence. If he's not displaying the behavior, he needs counseling or a book or something to light the fire. It's not your job to tell him how to feel, but if he wants this life with you he damn well better start doing some research about what this does to a BS and what he needs to do to make things right. If he's open to reading our Healing Library has some excellent book recommendations to get him started. ("How to help your spouse heal from your affair..." by Linda MacDonald is a great "get it" book)

SpaceJane posted 10/4/2013 23:53 PM

You are not alone. I feel the same way. I see all these happy couples and I wonder if their husbands are truly who their wives think they are.

Honestly I have lost so much faith in humanity, specially men, that I assume they are all cheaters. I know it's not fair, because not everyone is, but I think if my H did it, anyone can :(

Then I also think of my marriage and how it would be so much easier starting something new rather than try to fix something that is so broken.

However, when I look at us there is that little glimmer of hope that doesn't let me give up completely. There is still love from him and remorse, and trying to do everything possible to save this. I am giving myself time also, not making any decisions now and just trying to see where this takes us. I'm analyzing my H actions to see if it's worth it.

When I think about just giving up and finding someone else, I also think that I have NO GUARANTEES that I will be able to find that man who will not take me for granted and actually understands the sanctity of marriage. Yes I could find someone but what tells me that this new someone isn't going to cheat on me too? So then I rather work on this marriage with this man I still love (don't ask why) and give him a second chance rather than risk another relationship with someone else, who I know I won't love like I love this one :/ sad, I know, but just my two cents.

iwillNOT posted 10/5/2013 01:05 AM

I have similar experiences as I view the world through my very own unwanted set of Infidelity Vision glasses. I'll see married couples who look happy and I will think, which one is the cheater? Or see a man with his kids and wife and who is texting and wonder if it's to his AP.

It's horrible really, and it tires me out. Whatever else I am doing or thinking, I have this affair related thought train constantly running along underneath it all.

I sometimes feel like it would be easier to walk away, but I dont know if that is reality. I question my perception of what is real and true on a daily basis.

betrayedme2 posted 10/5/2013 01:05 AM

You're not the only one with these thoughts, and it's not only the ladies that have them. After I discovered my wife's affair last January, I too looked at every person, every couple, and had the same thoughts. If they weren't already having an affair, I knew it was only a matter of time. I'd see a guy holding a girls hand and think, "just wait buddy, it's coming." Now, not as much. As I've said in other posts, time helps. You didn't give a lot of details, and that's okay. I hope there are no kids involved. Kids are involved in my situation and would like to think making a decision would be easier without kids, but I'll never be able to answer that question.

We're working on 9 months of R. I think about the A every day. Some days are good, some not so good.

I do wish you the best, it's not easy and it's not fair, but it's what we've been given and like Jrazz said, it's up to you to make the decision that's right for you.

Best wishes, you're not alone here!

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/5/2013 03:43 AM

Totally get this
I work with the public and every little joke about their partners is suddenly not so funny. Every moan a big deal
I look at my pregnant colleague and think "just you wait"
Bitter and cynical and twisted
Thanks fwh for turning me into this

hobbeskat posted 10/5/2013 09:16 AM

I get it, too. A few of my friends are planning their weddings right now. I can't bear to look at my wedding photos. It feels like a mockery, and the OW is in half of them.

heme posted 10/5/2013 10:01 AM

Ive gotten pretty cynical when I see couples as well. I just think "wait, you are happy now but wait". Or I wonder what lies they are telling each other. My WH and I had what a lot of people thought was the "perfect" marriage. We were the couple holding hands and laughing as we went places/did shopping/hung out with the kiddos. It seems like such a farce now knowing what I know now.

Alex CR posted 10/5/2013 10:29 AM

I wonder if it would really be easier starting over with someone new...I guess it depends on how much your life is intertwined with the BS .....if you own property, have kids, how many years together.....all that would make it harder to end a marriage. I too followed the advice here at SI to wait before making any life changing decisions

As my H and I get further out from Dday and the trauma recedes in my heart and my head to a memory rather than a daily event, I can see it was worth it to stay to R. H has worked hard to help me heal and become a real partner in our M again.

We are one of those couples people look at and tell us how lucky we are and they want to find a love like ours....some people have called us 'cute'....YUK!

But they don't know our history and you know, I think any couple who makes it 30...40..50 or more years living together probably have all sorts of deep dark secrets that outsiders may never know, but they made it through and beyond them and are still together.

For those of us surviving infidelity, we had BS who were able to do what it takes to help us heal and find their way back to making their marriage work and we as the BS's were gracious and loved them enough to work hard at R and change too.......Sadly not everyone gets that chance to R but I also read about many others who ended their marriage and found their way to a better life too.

Giving ourselves the time to heal and make our own choices when we are ready is the gift every BS can give to themselves.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 10:31 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Scubachick posted 10/5/2013 19:41 PM

I've thought a lot about it too. I try to remind myself that the one mistake he made should not erase all the good things he has done in the last 20 years. All of those things prove that he's a good man who made very bad mistake.

Dreamland posted 10/6/2013 12:16 PM

I too look at everyone differently. People at work ,friends and in general all around... With the stats more than half the people we engage with on a daily bases are either a cheater or betrayed. Sometimes I play a sad sick mental game... Look at people and see an empty sigh over their head.. A label and I guess which title to bestow. I am the ultimate pessimist. Not sure about R or if it will happen.. I am sour and bitter.. And sick of my life... I thought he was my knight in shining armour. Oops mistake just a piece of rusted tin...