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16forever posted 10/5/2013 01:48 AM

I think sometimes I use si just to say things that pop in my head or events of the day so here they are yesterday I was talking to my ws and I said something bout how he didn't have anything in common with the op but during the A she made me feel like the were perfect for each other and I had never been a good match for him I guess these were his words to he told me she loved to do all these things I did not like but anyway I said u and her didn't really have any thing in common he paused for at least 45 sec and said we had some things in common him and the ap that is I just had no words should he say this

cuz that hurt I wanted him to say they had nothing in common but he didn't and that made me sad

the other event was tonight I went to pick up food with a new girlfriend for a bunch of people we working on setting up a crossfit gym and they were buying us dinner and me and the lady were talking and she asked if my oldest was my ws I said yes I actually get this question from time to time Because I got pregnant at 16 and married at 16 I said yes he is it doesn't bother me but what Came next did I said we have been married almost 19yrs and she said omg that's awesome and before the the A would have been thrilled at that acomplishmnt but know that I know he had 8-10 A's the first 10 yrs we were married and then left me for op and wanted to marry her and told me all the hurtful things like wanting to leave me the last 2yrs I know what we have over come is huge but it's almost like my mind is saying well ya know I lived with a controlling cheating husband for 17yrs and was a doormat but yes give me compliments even thow is been hell I don't want to feel like that is awful then later that nite my new friend is putting her arms around her spouse and I thought how cute I want that now my H had changed and is more loving but her love is Un tainted and pure and mine is well .....If ur a Bs u know the rest of that thanks for listening

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/5/2013 05:52 AM

One of the hardest things for me to deal with was hearing about the EA side of things. He said he could be so honest with her, and she listened. Then he rattled off what they talked about and had in common. I had a complete breakdown that night. i was so angry because a lot of what we disnt share was based on HIS actions in the past. he never gave me the opportunity to share those things with him. It hurt and still does. I question what I do now. "Is this one of the things he liked about her that I didn't do right?" It is torture so I try not to deal with it too much.
But it is definitely a road block in our R.
My heart goes out to you.

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 5:53 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/5/2013 06:46 AM

I am lucky that she really has nothing in common with my fwh. But that still hurts because he listened to all her stuff and cared about her shit and wasn't listening to me at all. And wtf did he see in her? He had to censor what he said because she didn't understand long words. He's an incredibly intelligent man. Idiot.

Fightingmad posted 10/6/2013 18:14 PM

If she is a new friend then you probably truly don't know her story. Looks can be deceiving as we all know. No love is perfect even though it may appear to be from the outside.

I try to remind myself of this when it seems others have it better. It doesn't help that my best friend has the marriage that most would kill for.

This is your story, you've chosen to stay (for now)and you should take the compliment - there are many who would not have the fortitude to even try and make it.

Myheartstillhurt posted 10/6/2013 18:37 PM

You know something I have realized... When people compliment you on your long marriage, they are not saying "Wow, you managed 19 years of beautiful bliss marriage! How awesome!" They are saying "Amazing, because I know you have weathered some storms, because all marriages do. Hats off to you for two imperfect people keeping a commitment".

There is not one long marriage I know that has not had its trials. Maybe it wasn't infidelity, but it has been something. And now, when I look at couples who look happy and have been married a long time, I wonder to myself what hardships they have faced together? Is it infidelity, poverty, addiction, divided families, health crisis', etc? I know these people have all faced very hard times where it would have been easier to leave.

So, when they compliment you on your long marriage, you truly earned that compliment. You are weathering a storm, and still trying to keep your commitment.

16forever posted 10/7/2013 00:11 AM

These are new friends and yes I know we only see what other couples want us to see they don't know about my husbands A's I guess some days iam better about those little things the him and the op having stuff in common well I did all those things he named to me while he was thick in the A but I have to say when I think about it aside from her wanting to be the one who wore the pants and being kinda bossy she was his match she was in to politics,hunting,watching football,shooting guns she loved all those things I just did them because I love him that's a big difference I guess that's hard to except it makes me wonder if I hadn't tried so damn hard to get him back from her if I had just let him go would he still have come back guess I will never know and that I am glad for

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