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Today's a down day.

I've told WS to get his stuff out of the house by 12th Nov. We've compromised on him getting his stuff out of the main house and storing it in the garage and loft and coming back to get it at a later date once he's found a flat. Poor thing is living with his parents and can't afford to save to rent a flat...which is funny given that I'm on subsistence living looking after our children (on benefits in the UK) whilst he is a high earner

Anyway....

I've started clearing out some stuff and sorting through things to make sure I separate my things from his in the study. I hate it. I hate that this is necessary. But I also keep finding small mementoes etc that he has kept from the past etc...none from me though.

The worst one so far has been a letter from his mum from just after we got engaged (15 years ago). Apparently he visited her and asked her what he should do with his life. She wrote him a letter mapping it all out. No mention of me AT ALL. And guess what? He followed her advice to the letter about his career. But also, she says in the letter that when he visited her she asked him why he was still living in [town where we were both living] and that he has said "I don't know". Well, he told me that he was staying there until I finished university because he wanted to be with me. It looks like he was never willing to stand up for me and I wish I'd known that,then

And I have lots more to go through today...I've been crying lots and swearing in my head at him (I'm not a swearer). And all this mess, all this pain, all this stuff I'm having to do today, it's all his fault. And yet I still have to deal with it.

(((Softcentre)))

(((softcentre)))

Softcentre - I am so sorry for your pain. Your WS sounds mother-enmeshed - BTDT. It hurts so much when they choose their mother over you. I am finding it is pretty common. I understand about you wishing you knew this 15 years ago. My WH has chosen his mother over me every. single. time.

I hope he moves out without a problem and that you get some of that "high earner" money of his to help you support yourself and your children. Do you have a good L?

Thinking of you. BIG hugs!!

Yes he is mother enmeshed, in a fairly complicated way:

His mother never compliments her children. Whenever they do something great or have a good idea she assumes that is was someone else's idea and tells them that. WH never speaks up for himself in that either. Often I would correct her(in a friendly way) or pre-empt her and say it was WH idea.

She's also very passive aggressive AND wouldn't let him express any negative feelings as a child. Anger etc = bad. So he compartmentalized instead and became disney child at home and a different person away from them. He both hates and loves her. So it's easy to see why he craves female approval.

But he also projected her onto me, especially after the children were born. But I'm someone who compliments and encourages, I didn't quite fit. So he unconsciously used all kinds of passive aggressive techniques to frustrate me and help me to be more critical (if only I'd realised!) to fulfil his projection.

Not of course, that he admits that any more. He did in the brief month he tried to R. But he's rewritten history again and now in his head, I'm even more like his mum.

He can't even speak to her about it because she's now got advanced dementia. She's now so horrible to be around, so outspokenly negative saying awful things. And that's where he's living right now. Big mess.

Anyway, I'm not bottling up my emotions or accepting his projections. Until this week a big part of me thought I must be such a horrible person. He was so lovely, I must be so horrible to drive him to it. I knew in my head that wasn't true, but it's only now starting to hit my inner me.

A friend suggested that I write a list of who I am as a person, a positive list. This is mine and I'm holding onto it when I feel shaky:

I am loyal
I am generous
I am hard working
I am intelligent
I am capable
I like making people smile
I don't give up easily
I am helpful
I am creative
I have integrity

What are yours?

[This message edited by Softcentre at 2:34 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]