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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Any thoughts on what to do when I hate him?
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been havin severe mood swings. And lately it has been completely bitter filled anger driven hatred. I love him. But these feelings of anger crop up and take over. Like TAKE OVER. I calm down and feel exhausted. Then I wonder- do I have to share EVERYTHING? If I calm down, is it important to share with him what I was thinking when I wasn't so calm? Or will that just make things worse?
Any advice is appreciated.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell fwh everything
No more bloody secrets


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying "bloody" before it sounds awesome too.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin,

I never held back my feelings. Even during periods of rage. I think showing WS your true emotions helps WS comprehend the devastatation the A has caused.

If my boys were home and I felt as though I couldn't control my emotions, I'd get in the car and go for a drive and scream those gut-wrenching primal screams until I felt better.

[This message edited by annb at 7:29 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 7632 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with this too. How much is too much? I'm trying to filter myself, but honestly it makes me angry that I feel like I need to.

There are days I hold it in and days I let it rip. I'm finding the most peace in the days where I try to spend some time with it and figure out what I'm looking for. Do I need to vent? Need reassurance? Am I feeling hurt or lonely or misunderstood? Do I just want to be a bitch and remind him this mess is all his fing fault? If I can figure that out it usually helps me decide whether to sit with my feelings or share.

I admit this is a work in progress and I'm not always successful sorting it out. Sometimes it just helps me to say the words out loud, like I'm releasing them.

I guess that's a long winded way "I have no freaking idea" so please share if you figure it out.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to him. I actually read a lot of my posts to him. Even the bad ones. I started at the beginning and walked him through my entire process.
I am so honest on this site. I never hold anything back. I take the time to express myself so that my lovely new friends can understand and offer support. I figured the best thing is honesty and nothing is more honest than what I say here.
So I read them. And I can happily say that another bridge has been crossed. I feel good right now- I love him and he loves me and we are being honest and trying to do the right thing.

I can honestly say that it was the smartest thing I've done since this whole thing started. I was terrified of his reaction but knew that if I didn't like his honest reaction... I didnt want to be here. And we should move on.
I was amazed by his reaction. And touched and proud.
I am still scared for what is yet to come. But I truly feel, right now, that we are in this together... No matter what. And if it doesn't work, it wasn't meant to.
I really hope it works. An right now? I feel like it could.
Thank you so much everyone. I am going to cherish this moment.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are days I hold it in and days I let it rip. I'm finding the most peace in the days where I try to spend some time with it and figure out what I'm looking for. Do I need to vent? Need reassurance? Am I feeling hurt or lonely or misunderstood? Do I just want to be a bitch and remind him this mess is all his fing fault? If I can figure that out it usually helps me decide whether to sit with my feelings or share.

What a great way to handle it!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin: Great news that you were able to share with him. I think I may do the same. The problem is that sometimes when I do this my WH gets upset and says "We were having such a good day..." like he just wants to pretend nothing happened before...like he didn't sleep with his ex girlfriend and carry on a 10 month affair.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Twinnie, I'm so happy to read this! You have handled this with amazing courage and you sound so very strong in your post.

It's a huge leap of faith to bare your soul after being hurt so deeply, be proud of how far you've come in such a short time.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
heme
♀ 40684
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't share a single thing with WH, why would I share my inner most feelings when he already showed he doesn't give a care?
We, also, have 4 very young children. I don't feel its OK to share things around them and I usually have 1 or more of them up with me. They don't know whats going on but they know something is wrong and haven't been acting to well/sleeping well. My poor babies.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Topper- I set it up by saying that I hated ruining good days and i never knew when to bring stuff up- but I have to bring it up or it gets so ugly on the inside. He needed to either deal with it or tell me he is not willing to try. I would not let myself be the bad guy for needing to talk and if that's how he felt he needed to tell me right then. I said all of that and he said "whatever you need." I was very grateful.
Heme- I know it can be difficult. We have to do our parenting stuff and then stay up late and do this. It is so exhausting. I am very grateful that we have been able to do it so far. I hope that you can find some time for you. I am so sorry for your pain right now in addition to the regular stresses of life. It is unfair and no one deserves it.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that sometimes when I do this my WH gets upset and says "We were having such a good day..." like he just wants to pretend nothing happened before...

My husband says the same exact thing!!!


Posts: 792 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin..trust your instincts. When young ears are around you must filter...or find a way to get husband away from them. All actions have consequences. They don't need to see this...not at the level you are most likely at. I am projecting this onto you...but I really RAGED for a bit.

Have you done any IC or MC? Has he read and put to work info in the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? I see you are 1 year out...your DD almost identical to mine. My rage phase lasted for 3 months..starting about the 4 month area...it took me a long time to get in touch with my anger. My counselor focused hard on that for 5 consecutive sessions....I was so very slow to admit I was angry.


This whole....BS ruining a good day complaint from a fWS or from within the mind of a BS....is ludicrous. If a fWS did not commit adultery, there would be do fodder to ruin the day with. There are consequences for actions....it is unfair that a BS has to endure the consequences of another person, but that is how it is. So it is a small price the fWS has to pay to listen to the pain they have inflicted on their BS. BS experience real trauma...our brains work against us at times...causing us to hesitate to feel all the pain at once...so we let enough stuff slide on our own. I had to really work to stay in the pain. KWIM?

I also get how unfair it is that BS have to weigh all of this stuff (protect our children, love our spouse but express the pain, keep our jobs up while under tremendous emotional trauma....basically go about addressing issues within our marriage in the difficult honest way instead of the easy way of escaping the tough work via adultery).

I get this is hard for a fWS (to hear and see the pain in their BS)...many of which have honed their conflict avoiding skills over decades. They want to flee from easy conflicts, let alone serious shit..and conflict caused by adultery is the atomic bomb of conflicts.

This site is extremely helpful for processing extreme feelings. I have not posted anything that I have not shared...or tried to share...with my fWW. At times my fWW simply could not handle my sharing of feelings...the feelings are so intense at times we are simply not built to contain them....must express and process them.

I am 1 year out....and have not had this battle for over 2 months....time will help, but only if you have the courage to express them.

Do you think you are just now starting to share your anger with your husband? If yes, why?

Hang in their Wondertwin...I have watched your posts...you are strong. I appreciate your profile and can relate to your total shock over how you found out that adultery had been invited into your marriage.

It does appear that major life events set adultery in motion....we had lost a close family member to cancer....we can trace a serious shift in our relationship back to that event. Like you, I also thought we had weathered enough storms to be better equipped then most married couples we knew. I NOW realize post-childhood experiences can not trump FOO issues....FOO issues must be dealt with directly. Other life experiences (taking care of sick family members, climbing out of debt) are all admirable experiences that help us grow.....but I believe there are parts of us that stop growing at the time our FOO coping mechanisms are established. This is why I believe my wifes affair was a given...because neither she nor I were addressing them.

Have you guys jumped into your childhood at all?

I am not blaming my parents or trying to duck responsibility here. For me, I had to find out why I was willing to put up with so little from my marriage pre-A, why I reacted so poorly to my DD (actually coddling my wife, comforting HER!), and when I uncovered answers to those questions...would I have the courage to address those internal issues.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:53 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele- I am so sorry I didn't see your reply before- I feel awful that I missed it. Thank you so much for your kind words. And yes, funny you should ask about childhood and FOO. We have spent A LOT of time discussing FOO and our pasts. More openly than I ever ever thought.
It is truly helping. I feel as if we are really getting to know the other person- for real. Not just the fantasy person we kept tying to be for the other person.
I know we have a long road, but each conversation, each hurdle is helping me get to know myself better. I can also see his self reflection- and he shares with me. Not just about the A- but about HIM as a person.
I am truly enjoying getting to know my husband for who he really is.
And one thing this has done for me is to give me the strength to be honest about who I really am.
Thank you so much for your support - and letting me know that you see similar threads in our stories.
I am truly on a journey- where it goes I do not know, but I will turn over every rock and cherish every leaf I see.
We have both pretended for too long. And in the end, we will either love eachother or move on. But at least it will be with honesty.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
AppleBlossom
♀ 38541
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin, I tell him. I find a moment when I can speak without being abusive and I just say that I am angry with him. Sometimes that leads to us talking, sometimes me crying and shouting "how could you" and sometimes I have to walk away.

The fact that my FWF will acknowledge my feelings even if this anger arising in the midst of a happy day has done so much for our R. If he could not do that for me, then any failure in our R would be on him, and not because of my apparent inability to deal with my emotions.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 15

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