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WS's "why"

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PrincessPeach06 posted 10/5/2013 08:29 AM

So we had a great talk yesterday about digging to the "why" of the A(s) beyond selfishness and wanting to in the moment (my least favorite). Anyway he says it goes back to FOO issues as far as wanting attention from anyone. His parents divorced when he was 7 and they were both so wrapped up in their own issues that he was left on his own for the most part, feeling unwanted by both. He never got over his anger and bitterness toward them and he latched on to anyone who showed him the smallest amount of attention.

So I guess that is a big thing for me to hear, there is so much more with trust and intimacy issues as well but we have come farther in the past 5 months then we have our entire marriage!!!!!

StillStanding1 posted 10/5/2013 08:43 AM

That sounds like you are doing some great digging!!!!

Another question I read that I think is crucial for preventing a future A is: "What did you tell yourself to give yourself permission to have the A?"

I thought that was brilliant and could be the key!!!!

Good luck!

unfound posted 10/5/2013 09:11 AM

That's a great start, and HUGE!

Dreamland posted 10/5/2013 12:07 PM

So happy he can talk about it..
I asked my H and he just says.
I don't know. It's was a thrill, the attention and I felt fun again and it was my secret
I asked him about the permission.
Again crickets. And I ask again. His response
I don't know.
I feel lost.
But glad you are doing better. Maybe someday

Card posted 10/5/2013 13:04 PM

He never got over his anger and bitterness toward them and he latched on to anyone who showed him the smallest amount of attention.

I would suggest that he wasn't latching on to 'attention', but that he was seeking out those willing to show him 'Admiration'.

Personally, 'admiration' is my highest need.

I learned this when I read the book, 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Dr. Willard Harley.

In some circles it's called 'words of affirmation' rather than admiration. From the book, 'The Five Love Languages', by Gary Chapman. Another really good book, just not as in depth.
I prefer to call it admiration.

Admiration was a tough one for me, without realizing it, I frequently refused to accept it from my wife in the ways she offered it, yet I was actively seeking it out from others.
My lack of boundaries and my willingness to accept/crave admiration from others was a recipe for disaster.

When my wife and I began to understand my need for admiration, we were able to change our relationship to meet this need together. It was tough in the beginning due to my adultery. It was tough for my wife to find admirable qualities through the day when her mind was replaying the pain I caused again and again. I had to allow enough time and enough admirable behavior to overcome my presence also being one of her sources of pain.....

[This message edited by Card at 1:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

SadFlower posted 10/5/2013 13:30 PM

Card, that's interesting. My FWH is not as introspective as I wish he were, but I am 100% sure that Admiration was a huge chunk of his attraction to OW. She absolutely idolized him.

And yet, I expressed admiration for him on a regular basis. I had him on a pedestal. I thought I'd won the husband lottery! Why did my admiration not count?

PrincessPeach06 posted 10/5/2013 15:10 PM

It's funny but the permission thing has been tough. He says he knew it was all wrong but never thought once about me or anything but what felt good to him.

As far as admiration, I believe that for whatever reason they see the spouse as someone who is "suppose" to admire them and either take it for granted or don't notice. But when an outsider comes around and worships them it MUST mean something (being sarcastic) WS said all he wanted was more and more of that ego boost.

catlover50 posted 10/5/2013 16:04 PM

My H realizes that the amount of "admiration" the OW was showing was excessive and overblown. He realizes that now, of course. He now is suspicious when people are overly complimentary.

And now my opinion of him is the one that counts the most. Like others I always went out of my way to praise him, etc, but he was not in a place to hear it.

As far as "permission" he didn't even try to go there; he just figured if he felt like it at the time and could compartmentalize it enough that that was okay. He was just not invested enough in any other person to put their needs into the equation. He is now mortified to have been that person.

Card posted 10/5/2013 17:26 PM

As far as admiration, I believe that for whatever reason they see the spouse as someone who is "suppose" to admire them and either take it for granted or don't notice. But when an outsider comes around and worships them it MUST mean something (being sarcastic) WS said all he wanted was more and more of that ego boost.

YUP!

But it's more than just an ego boost....
I'd never considered Admiration a need until I read about it in 'His Needs, Her Needs'.
It finally made sense after that.

Learning the ways I liked having this need met the most was very insightful to both my wife and myself.


Why did my admiration not count?

My wife asked this same question....

It was more about me not realizing how I was allowing others to meet this need so often. It had the effect of putting my wife's attempts on the same level as others, thereby minimizing her praises.


And this;

He is now mortified to have been that person.

Ditto!


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