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topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 10:02 AM

Sometimes I'm doing OK with things and then I get on here and read about the lies someone's WH or WW told them and I suddenly think: "My husband told me that too and I still don't know if I believe him..." and then I start to feel all nerved up again and stressed out. This happens a lot on the weekends because WH wants to spend more time together as a family. We are going pass where she lived and where he met her again today and every time we do I wig out and every time I wig out he gets annoyed and says he doesn't get why that stuff bothers me still. Not even three months into this process and sometimes...sometimes..he invalidates my feelings. I know he is working on things too, but I wish he'd understand I don't have control over what upsets me.

womaninflux posted 10/5/2013 10:09 AM

I definitely have to take this place with a grain of salt. I appreciate some of the great advice I have gotten and obviously there are things said here that only other people in a similar situation could understand but I get the strong sense that it is possible to get addicted to the pain of complaining vs. standing up and taking action. Different than being oblivious to the truth!

neverdidithink posted 10/5/2013 10:18 AM

I think SI has saved my sanity, but I do have to be careful about spending time in the JFO forum. The stories of secret email accounts and burn phones and false R and taking the A underground can make me nuts.

The JFO posts often trigger me and I start combing phone and text logs and email and credit card bills looking for SOMETHING. My heart races and I feel sick to my stomach and I never find a friggin thing.

Spend time in the places that are helpful to you and avoid the ones that don't. There's no need to torture yourself here.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/5/2013 10:26 AM

I have those feelings sometimes too. Why do I always think I'm the only one? :)
But I have gotten so much good from here as well. I do watch where I go now. I stay in reconciliation now because that is my goal. I look for positive stories as much as I can. And I try use the negative stories as a learning tool.
Never upset yourself unnecessarily though. This journey is different for all of us and the important thing is doing what feels right to you. I wish you strength and hope.

Card posted 10/5/2013 13:14 PM

Not even three months into this process and sometimes...sometimes..he invalidates my feelings.

Your H is still foggy in his thinking. It's still early recovery for you and it's going to take time. I just recommend you tell him that it hurts when he acts this way. It will help the light shine through the fog. Just do it respectfully if you want it to make an impact.


As far as triggering, YES!!! The forums caused my wife to trigger often, but the benefits of helping others gave her some strength to deal with the pain in her own life from day to day.

travels posted 10/5/2013 13:17 PM

Some of the forums can cause he to trigger. Do what feels right for you.

As for your husband, that was an insensitive thing for him to say. Recovery time is longer than some realize. Is there anyway you can take a different road to get somewhere?

Card posted 10/5/2013 13:21 PM

oops! hit submit again...

[This message edited by Card at 1:24 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 10/5/2013 14:03 PM

I too can over think and apply someone else's issues to me, but I try to keep it all in perspective. Before DDay I was totally ignorant at all of this. I see reading about everyone's revelations as knowledge to keep. I can try to follow up and look at my H as a result or just continue to keep my eyes open and watch. Hopefully I will never be that ignorant wife again. I say trust but verify. At our age I am not sure I will ever be comfortable with total trust and that is sad.

I appreciate everyone brave enough to share on here and I appreciate the education. I just wish I never had the need for such.

catlover50 posted 10/5/2013 14:30 PM

Hi topperoff22.

I told my H several times (until he started to get it) that the better and more quickly he handled my triggers the faster I would be able to move past them. I even told him what to say--"I'm so sorry that you are having to feel this way due to my awful choices. What can I do to help you right now?". Once he truly got this it did help.

Frankly he feels like a complete selfish asshole when he thinks about the A and so tries not to. My triggers forced him to. He needed to learn that it wasn't about his feelings at that time and help me.

And sometimes I do feel that coming on SI makes me focus too much on the past. I also try to look for positive posts, and post my own. But in balance I owe so much to this place.

SpiderGrl posted 10/5/2013 17:38 PM

Why does misery love company? I have to watch myself getting too caught up too. I got all caught up in a burner phone conversation and projected it into my situation all while my spidey sense was telling me .. No.. You know better. (But do I?) I never found anything but the fear pops up evey so often.

And I say misery loves company because it makes me feel less crazy to know I'm not the only one who can get caught up by proxy.

[This message edited by SpiderGrl at 5:39 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

mysticpenguin posted 10/5/2013 20:26 PM

3 months and he's already - or still - invalidating your feelings?!

No. Not okay.

Has he read anything -- How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, Not Just Friends, etc?

He caused you immense pain. He needs to help you through this if you are willing to give him another chance!

StillGoing posted 10/5/2013 20:53 PM

and every time I wig out he gets annoyed and says he doesn't get why that stuff bothers me still.

So 3 months in and he's annoyed by you being upset because he cheated on you.

You can stay away from SI and avoid thinking about some things, yes, but that won't make your WH suddenly stop being an impatient, uncaring ass. Your triggers are going to happen, unfortunately. The real fix is not doing your best to avoid them, but doing your best to address them.

Do what you need to do, but make sure you are taking care of yourself. I'm sorry you're hurting and he isn't hearing you.

blakesteele posted 10/5/2013 21:00 PM

I cant visit JFO forum yet....I see too much of me back then...see people 3 weeks out that think they have processed the pain and that they are once again a team with their spouse.

I am so embarrassed about how I thought and acted early on...just cant read about that yet....and I am 1 year out.

And sometimes I do feel that coming on SI makes me focus too much on the past. I also try to look for positive posts, and post my own. But in balance I owe so much to this place.

Catlover50....well stated. I, too, am focusing more and more on the present and even the future...sometimes posts remind me of my past. I too owe much to this site...and enjoy the possibility that I am helping others in the R forum who are just a little behind me on this journey. On another note...I responded to your PM, hope it explained a bit more of my journey. Thank you for your continued interest in me.

SI, like most of life, is a good PART of recovery...but it should be kept in balance.

God be with us all.

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 21:22 PM

I love this place and the support I get. It's all how I handle it and that's what I have to work on ...

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 21:22 PM

I love this place and the support I get. It's all how I handle it and that's what I have to work on ...

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 21:26 PM

Sorry, I keep double posting. No idea what that's about. And yes..three months in/out and he's still invalidating my emotions, feelings and triggers. However, tonight there was a slight break through as he told me he is now reading the stuff I've sent him..and some of the books. He is understanding more and more why I have "triggers". He said, "I'm trying to learn and understand. I really am. Please try to be patient with me while I work on figuring out how your feeling too."

Maybe there is hope...I don't know..

blakesteele posted 10/5/2013 21:34 PM

topperoff22....

Maybe there is hope...I don't know..

I will pass along some very good advice I received. At 3 months into this you are still finding out what all of this means to you...and that is a lot to process.

Don't make any major decisions for a while, not even about the hope or hopelessness of your situation.....take that concern off of your plate. It will be there when you are ready to address it.

First thing is to make a safe spot for you....whatever that means for you....find a place to rest.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:35 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

StillGoing posted 10/5/2013 21:44 PM

He said, "I'm trying to learn and understand. I really am. Please try to be patient with me while I work on figuring out how your feeling too."

I hope this doesn't offend you, but your H is a goddamn child. He needs to find his dick, man up and be an adult about the consequences of his actions.

I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with this stuff. I hope it gets better soon.

sri624 posted 10/5/2013 22:02 PM

i am so thankful for this site. honestly, i think the only reason i am still married...and attempting to r in such a positive, honest way on both ends is because of the support, and brutal honestly of the members here. it also helped to learn that i was not the only one....that this cheating crap is very common and universal. hang in there and keep posting. we are there for you.

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 22:32 PM

I can't do this. I really can't. Every time I get upset he makes it about him..somehow he fucking makes it about him and declares he is leaving so he doesn't hurt me anymore and he can't do this ad it would be easier if he was dead or gone or blah, blah, so I end up begging him not to say thta but tonight I decided fuck it I don't care anymore. I can't keep trying to comfort him. I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left period. Between him and his sister cutting me out of their side of the family as if I was the ne who destroyed this family....and my brother in law hitting on me and my niece's ninth birthday is tomorrow and I really miss my nieces but WH what grow a pair and tell them the truth -- that he had an affair and did all this. Then there is my mom suffering from fibromyalgia and losing her sight and my dad who is so cranky after he was invovled in a fatal accident earlier this year that was not his fault (this happened right before WH fucked his ex girlfriend and destroyed my trust in anyone and everything, including God). I'm really a mess. I can't take anymore. I really can't. My health issues coupled wth all this. I just wan it to all end. I can't take anymor and I certainly can't take WH stomping ou of the house like a fucking baby while I lay here in bed sobbing uncontrollably with no one to comfort me. WHen do I get fucking comfort? INstead of guilt trips?!!!!!

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