She started off by saying "Since they don't correspond to any particular hurt for me, they would make me think of COW, but it wouldn't really be the same as a 'trigger.'" OK, I get that much, I felt a little better about sharing. But then she continued with this: "Thinking about the COW could lead me to thinking about other things that ARE triggers for me."
So if this follows her assessment, my relatively minor triggers would now be given the potential to do so much more damage. It's not like I trigger and shake and sob... I get a little bit of a stomach drop sometimes, or maybe a few momemts of raised heart rate and some shitty overall feelings as I think of what a scumbag I was. I get over it quickly, though.
I would like to share this with TCD, in a way to bring us closer together. I just feel like doing so will do more harm than good. My little bit of discomfort will be crushed under the wheels of TCD's pain train, and will never really be addressed. I'm not trying to be dismissive of her hurt, but I do have feelings, too, and she pretty much stated that yes, my triggers may very well become hers, if even indirectly. Any thoughts?
In the beginning, BS's are triggered from morning to night. Triggered by many things beyond there own control. Heck, at times, mine was triggered by my mere presence. It takes years for many to get their triggers under the control they need to enjoy a day.
That being said, IMO, it's not the same thing for WS's. We typically have wayward thoughts and behaviors that just need detoxed.... Wouldn't that be great, a Detoxification center for our old thought patterns and feelings....
I was always open and honest with my wife in recovery. I also learned that I was able to share my feelings without doing the damage of regurgitating the images of my affair to my beloved wife. My goal was openness and honesty while incorporating care and protection of her and our marriage.
Was it a balancing act? At times, yes. But most of the time I just used some common sense and a tactful tongue, reminding myself that my past thoughts of my past affair are not my current identity today.
I also talked with other 'men' who had recovered from infidelity (agreed to with my wife ahead of time) and shared my struggles openly with them.
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
About your question here: What do you think your motivation for sharing your triggers is? Are you aiming to be open and honest w TCD and talk to her about things she wants to talk about with you? Or are you aiming for TCD's help in getting through your triggers? Are you aiming to get TCD's comfort or sympathy?
It can be hard for the BS to have to share or carry the WS's pain, to be asked to help the WS work through the "break up" with the AP so to speak. So I think it would be good for you to figure out if you are telling TCD to help the marriage, or to help yourself.
Things are getting better here. It's all still a work in progress. Ups and downs, still trying to find stable ground. Thanks for your concern!
TCD won't want to help you with your pain if it's related to the OW with any fondness or pining. Of course not. But I don't think that's the case here. You say you get pangs of anxiety and shame. I would be very open to hearing about these feelings from my WH, because it would show me that he thinks about things, and just doesn't shove it up in a box on the shelf.
Married over 12 years, together for 21.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017