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It just hit me...

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/5/2013 10:35 AM

In our talk today I realized something. I realized that when I bring up something to talk about, I have usually been thinking about it for a day or two ... NON STOP. Then, I drop it in his lap an wait for his oh so very important reaction. Now. Right now respond to me.
That has got to be hard. He doesn't even have time to process before I'm demanding an honest and thoughtful answer that the fate of our marriage might hinge on. And yes, I realize that he just "dropped the A" in my lap. But right now- I'm about trying to move forward. And by agreeing to R, I agreed to work WITH him and GIVE him a chance. I need to make sure I really do that.
So I told him today - all of the above and then I have him permission to table it. I told him it was okay if he didn't want to talk right then. As long as we talked at some point. I also said he could respond and then... Get this... Change his response later if he wanted to. He seemed relieved. And now, after our talk is over, he is very thoughtful. And that gives me hope. :)

unfound posted 10/5/2013 10:46 AM

This is a good thing. Learning each others communication skills, then improving on them. Also, it shows that you're trying to put yourself in his shoes in this particular situation, which is HUGE in terms of empathy for your WS.

It helped us during that learning time to not only give the other time to process, but also (and it was really important to me) to commit to a time to discuss it. "can I have some time to think on this? We'll talk about it tomorrow after dinner". That way, you're not left wondering when or if it will be brought back up.

Over time, those periods of needing time to process might get less and less as you begin dealing with less and less A stuff to talk over. It becomes more fluid the more you practice it. Not saying that some things will still need time to process from time to time.


SisterMilkshake posted 10/5/2013 10:55 AM

I used to do the same thing, Wondertwin. Poor fWH would just get this deer in the headlights look.

Good for you that you realized that wasn't really working for you or your husband and taking steps to change the way you communicate.

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 14:19 PM

Thank you so much for posting this....it really makes me think!

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