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WH makes no effort

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jstbreathe posted 10/5/2013 13:45 PM

I'm posting for the first time although I am 9 months post DDay. I found out on Xmas day he had been having a year long affair. Later after a bit of digging, I found evidence of 2 others, and then he admitted to 2 more. Mostly ONS, a couple for a few months and then the one for a year. She wanted him to marry her, and tried everything to hang on to him and destroy our family.

I have been trying my best to R, but he makes 0 effort on his part. He won't even read an article or a book, let alone MC or IC. He says I should go so I can learn how to deal with it. He won't talk to me about any of it and if I really press the issue all I get from him is IDK or ICR, and crickets of course. All he says is that he just won't do it anymore. I guess now that I know it takes the fun out of it. I asked him to answer some basic questions for me in writing just so I can have some closure, he claims he is going to answer them but it has been a over a month now. I just feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb that will explode at any minute. He is a serial cheater and just because he says he won't do it again, I don't think he will just stop. He says he will never leave us and that was never his intent. But there are no second chances here. I refuse to go through this again. I'm trying to R mostly for my 2 sons. My 10yr old has been chronically ill from all the stress and anxiety. He has severe asthma attacks and now acute gastritis which the doctors say is a result of stress.
Where does this leave me? What can I do to make him take an active roll in R? Or do I just need to wait for my son to be strong enough so I can end it?

LosferWords posted 10/5/2013 14:22 PM

Hello jstbreathe. Welcome to SI.

I'm sorry for the reasons why you are here, but I'm glad you found us.

There are some really great resources in the upper left of this page in "The Healing Library".

Other members I've seen, who have had similar situations as yours have found "Joseph's Letter" to be quite useful. I lot of folks take that letter, modify it to fit their own situation, and give it to their WS. Joseph's Letter can be found in The Healing Library under "Articles", or here is a direct link:

So sorry for what you are going through. A marriage can't be repaired by one person alone. If you do go to IC, I would suggest going there for yourself, for your healing, and for building up your strength and confidence. You can individually heal and become stronger, whether your husband or your marriage heals or not.

Best of luck to you.

jstbreathe posted 10/5/2013 16:07 PM

LosferWords, Thank you for your help. I read the letter and I think I will edit it to fit our situation and send it to him. I doubt it will prompt a response, but worth a try anyway.
I am getting counseling for my son right now, and the C suggested some FC, so that may produce some results. WH at least cares deeply for his sons and would do anything to help them heal. It's a start I guess.

RidingHealingRd posted 10/6/2013 00:48 AM

All he says is that he just won't do it anymore

^^^That's called rugsweeping.

You can't successfully R if he is not willing to make an effort, a huge effort.

I just feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb that will explode at any minute

^^^This is probably because you are not able to process your H betrayal. You are basically being forced to suppressing the pain, anger, and hurt... this will not make it go away.

I believe that your H will continue to make no effort for as long as he is able to do so and not suffer any consequences.

I am sure you will find information in the Healing Library on "180", I did not need to go that route so I am not well versed on it.

Your H needs to understand that you expect better of him and if he is unwilling to step up then you will move on.,,without him.

I hope that both of your sons are okay. It is so difficult on all family members.

{{{jstbreathe + DSs}}}

Clarrissa posted 10/6/2013 07:23 AM

FWS here. Hope that's okay.

First of all welcome to SI. It sucks that any of us need this place but it's a blessing to have.

Second, as RHR daid, your WH is rugsweeping. R has zero chance of success if *both* partners aren't 100% committed to it. Your WH is not. As the WS, it's on him to do most of the heavy lifting. Unfair? Not really. He did most of the damage. He also seems to have what we call "ostrich syndrome" - head buried in the sand, hoping it will all go away. If he doesn't bring it up, doesn't talk about it then everything is fine. Meanwhile, you and your boys suffer. And, sorry to say, his concern for the boys may not be enough to pull his head out. WS (active or "dry") are by nature selfish people. It's all about them, their wants, their comfort. He may see quite clearly what this is doing to your son but helping him (by helping you) may exceed his current level of comfort. And he's just not willing to go there yet.

Right now you have to decide what's best for you and your boys. That may mean leaving. Not D necessarily but away from the toxicity that is currently your WH. You can't *make* him step up. If he can't or won't then that's his choice. *You* can either choose to live like this or take steps to remove yourself and your boys from this environment. Even if it means showing him the door.

jstbreathe posted 10/6/2013 21:03 PM

Thank you all so much for the advise and insight. It helps so much to hear the perspective of others. I always say, It's not what you say, but what you do that tells your true character. I guess that answers all my questions really.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/7/2013 05:31 AM

It is so important for the WS to put that effort in. It saddens me to hear that he dropped this in your lap and is now expecting you to "deal" with it. This is such a hard road that he put you on- you did not do this to yourself.
It there is ANY hope of R he has to be willing to put in the work. Ad if he is not, then you need to work on you. Not "you" so that you will be "better" for him. There is nothing wrong with you. he is broken.
yiu need to wirk on You so that you are healthy and strong on your own. If he won't put in the work, then he doesn't get to be any part of it.
I wish you peace and strength.

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