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I don't have a timeline. should I?

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topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 13:59 PM

I didn't have my husband do a timeline of his affair. He gave me one in a way but didn't write it down. Should I ask him to do this? I still have gaps.....

LosferWords posted 10/5/2013 14:16 PM

The timeline helped me immensely. It has helped countless others here as well. I think it's a really good idea, personally.

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 14:22 PM

What do you ask for? A timeline of...when it started...the sex...when it stopped. I also want to know how many people knew about this. At least two of her kids and I think her husband figured it out

LosferWords posted 10/5/2013 14:38 PM

When it started and when it stopped are good places to start building the timeline from. Also, any other contact with the OW, particularly if the was an emotional aspect to the affair.

For me it was a bit tricky. My wife's affair spanned several years, and she obviously couldn't remember everything. She filled in as many details as she could remember, mostly by month/year. Locations, and frequency of encounters were also included. The level of detail that your husband includes should really be up to you.

As far as people who knew... that was a separate discussion for us. I think it was close to 20 people who knew over the years. Also included in the discussion was how to deal with all of these people in the future, i.e. if mutual friends knew, do we cut off friendship with them, etc.

Probably best to keep the timeline as a separate entity, in my opinion, but if it works out better to include it all in one doc, then I say go for it.

struggling16 posted 10/5/2013 15:38 PM

If I had known to ask for a timeline it would have helped both of us.

It would have helped me rebuild my own reality and helped him to see clearly what a horrible thing he chose to do and to face himself.

I instinctively knew that I had to recreate a timeline so I pieced bills, receipts, calendar memos and other things together to see clearly how he manipulated and lied his way through the A. I used a blank calendar and filled it with information. I didn't start until a few weeks after Dday when I started to recover from the trauma. I did ask him questions to help rebuild my sanity. He answered them the best he could but his memory for dates truly is terrible.

kickboxer posted 10/5/2013 16:10 PM

I feel I'd be doing much better in our recovery if my WH would offer me a timeline.

When did he begin considering betrayal...when did it become something he knew he was going to do...when were the ONS...etc, etc, etc...

OnAnIsland posted 10/5/2013 17:03 PM

I didn't get a written time line. Instead, I asked my WH to tell me the story of the A in MC. This was very helpful to my healing. I asked my questions throughout, and I specified what I wanted to know and how much detail. The MC was able to slow it down or redirect when it was becoming too much for either of us. This was indispensable. I did write it out in my journal with new pieces as they emerged.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 5:04 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

topperoff22 posted 10/5/2013 18:45 PM

I just asked WH about doing a timeline and he said he doesn't see how that would be helpful. He wants to know why a timeline is important and why it is helpful. Does it impede or further the healing process? These are questions from him that he seems concerned about.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/5/2013 18:54 PM

Ona- i did something similar.
It was our turning point. Well, one of many to come. But I agree, it is a way for them to walk trough step by step and see what they really did. Not just saying in one sentence- I had an affair and I'm so sorry- but it walks them through step by step. Very painful for a remorseful WS and painful for the asking BS.
It broke through some Huge barriers for me. There was definitely an emotional aspect to my H's A and I was able to ask him questions about this as we discussed it from day one.
There may be a crash afterwards. I did- HARD. It's tough to take. But it led to so many more answers for me.
I dont know where we would be if we hadnt done that. This is so muh more complicated and layered than I ever realized. Talking is what helps us.

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