As cliche as it may sound, in IC you'll probably dig into your FOO and find out how they fucked you up in childhood. That's supposed to be funny, kinda, but my guess is you had a parent (mom probably) who was distant or unavailable. That's where the whole seeking to gain acceptance comes from. Wild guess, I could be way off, it's just an example anyway
I have a feeling that will be the topic of a lot of discussions. My parents marriage wasn't the best example of how a healthy marriage should be. It wasn't the worst out there, but I certainly didn't pick up any good qualities from it.
Do you want to share why things are going badly right now?
My BS and I have had some ups and downs. When we spend time together I try to be real attentive to her needs. However during our time apart I haven't been really evaluating myself and all the qualities that lead to the affair.
I'm not good on sharing intimate details yet but I will try.
She posts on the forums also, and you've read them I am sure.
I tickle truthed her until it was just too much. I thought that once all the major stuff was out there it was ok. But I never confessed previous lies to her and gave her all the details. I even lied on my timelines. I made new lies after the affair to make it seem like I was doing more work. I lied to her to make her think I was changing. I gave her the words she wanted to here, but I never really gave her the full truth with all the details. I was worried it would destroy the relationship.
She asked me for the truth on a few things last week, and I started rattling off a lot of things she wasn't expecting. In the process I made up a new lie about one of the lies I previously told her. I immediately felt bad about it, but I didn't man up and quickly correct myself. I wanted to be truthful that day and then when another lie came out...I couldn't make myself fix it. I was scared of making things worse...and ultimately I did just that.
I was feeding these partial truths to her and she realized it. She decided she wanted some space to work on herself and me work on myself.
I was crushed, went home and I've been trying ever since to think of every lie I've told her.
I'm sorry if I am vague. One of the things that I have realized is that I was never encouraged to express feelings when growing up in my family. I'm reading through NVC trying to work on this and give more details.
I want to be real, I want to be authentic, I want to be truthful. I want to have a real meaningful relationship and future marriage. I can see where the lies have destroyed my life and made me become somebody I don't want to be.
I want to do it to be a better person and a partner for her. But even if we don't work things out I need to do this for myself so I don't end up down the same unhappy road in the future. I need to fix myself so I don't have more broken relationships.
I think I have a long road ahead of me
[This message edited by changedlife at 8:00 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]