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Living a life of quiet desparation

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sparklezombie posted 10/5/2013 15:30 PM

Serial cheating aside, I still feel like I'm living a life of quiet desparation here. We have one daughter, 13 months. One issue - WH never wants to do anything on the weekends or after work. I told him today I felt like I had to force him to spend time with us outside the house and he got upset. Said he feels like I make plans without talking with him. I don't. I generally ask him on Friday what he wants to do on the weekend. He says I don't know or Nothing. I suggest something - how about we go to the boardwalk or the farmer's market, etc. He says maybe. Then the next day, I'll ask him again. I get the same response. But to him, I'm making plans without him. If it were up to him, we'd never leave the house on the weekends. NEver even go outside at all. I don't think that's fair to me or our daughter. she loves being out and about. And I'm not talking huge or expensive trips. Just something like going to the farmers market 5 minutes away, etc. I feel like if I stay, I'll be doomed to never doing anything fun. It's so frustrating and even more so that he blames me and gets upset because he doesn't want to do anything. Just don't know what to do about it.

womaninflux posted 10/5/2013 15:33 PM

Sorry to hear this...definitely a consideration. Was he like this when you were dating? I noticed my SAWH became like this after we got married. Is it possible that he is like this because having plans interferes with his plans to cruise on the internet or view porn or something? Do you think he is depressed?

sparklezombie posted 10/5/2013 15:51 PM

It wasn't like this when we're dating. But we started dating at 16 and married at 21. I think he's depressed. And he doesn't think so. Just thinks that he works hard and is tired.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/5/2013 17:12 PM

I might be projecting here so apologise upfront.

My X wouldn't do anything with me on weekends. Every excuse under the sun. Mostly it related to his 'work related shoulder injury'. If I wanted to go do something well we couldn't because he couldn't sit in a car for the hour or two it would take to get there (frequent rest stops or not on the way). He could sit in a plane for 20 hours to visit his whore though. It was just an excuse.

Is he still in the A? Mine was neck deep and that was why he 'couldn't' do any activity with me.

pewpewpew posted 10/5/2013 18:26 PM

Yikes OP.
Gently - this is to my opinion more important towards the whole notion to stay or go.

Besides the A, I had a strong M. And a huge issue whether to D or R was the fact my WH was an incredible father. He loves our DD.
He never took away family time for his A. Yes, it was an EA and he spent countless time and energy on OW but it was after work, on his way home and then after DDs bedtime.

I would strongly encourage you to look at your M without the A in place. What kind of M and father do you envision?

If it's one that is invested in his M and parental role -- then you need to look into the other issues.
Are you in IC or MC?! It is ideal for you both. Obviously the issues in the M run deeper and you need to solve them before deciding whether or not to stay married.

sparklezombie posted 10/5/2013 18:41 PM

I think he wants to want to be invested, if that makes sense. But he just won't do it. Even before our daughter was born it was the same way. We've been married 11years. We've never been camping, boating, kayaking, or heck even on a real vacation together. He just doesn't like those things or doesn't want to travel for vacation. Because he travels for work. I have talked about wanting to visit every state in the us, not all at once. He doesn't want to. Wants me to go with my friend instead. Sigh.

We are in mc. I'm in ic. He has started ic and gone twice. I desperately want more from this life and don't think I'll ever get that with him.

our last mc counselor asked us what goals were , individually and together. He didn't have any. He doesn't really like any of mine, except for my financial goals like paying off the house. When we talked we couldn't come up with any common goals together. It's so frustrating. And I truly feel like if I just let this go I'll become more resentful as the years go. If I push it, he will more resentful and will cheat again. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't in thus marriage.

jjct posted 10/5/2013 19:07 PM

Sounds passive aggressive, which is a bich to deal with.
The reason for

He didn't have any.
is what?
He can't be attacked or criticized if he hides them.
(He's hiding himself from himself)

There's a PA thread in the ICR forums, I think it would be good for you to check it out.

phmh posted 10/5/2013 19:12 PM

That sounds a lot like my marriage. We did go on long trips (Europe a couple of times a year) but other than that, he never wanted to do anything. He had no friends, refused to ever do anything, wouldn't eat in restaurants if they had waiters/waitresses, etc. Over time, this became normal to me.

I know in my IC, we talked a lot about whether this was the life I wanted for myself, even if he had never cheated. I realized that our values (even not taking into consideration our values on truth, integrity, and faithfulness) were not aligned.

Whatever conclusion you come to, I think it's very brave to work on it. The lies we tell ourselves can be the most damaging. And many people are leading lives of quiet desperation because they're unwilling/unable to do the introspection you're doing.

LeopoldB posted 10/5/2013 19:20 PM

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.

― Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience and Other Essays

sparklezombie posted 10/5/2013 19:22 PM

He has no friends. He blames me by saying I won't let him go out. It's not true. He never talks about going out with anyone. When he was going out before he was cheating.

He doesn't like to go to the movies because there are other people there. He doesn't like to go out yo eat because he is extremely careful about what he eats. He used to be heavy as a child and teen. He got into shape and now exercises every day and eats a certain of protein, carbs, fat, etc. so he never really wants to go out to eat.

I told him I would attend mc and we've been to our new counselor once. We had been seeing a mc off and on for over three years, but unknown to me and mc he was still cheating all during that time. Part of me wishes that I had left then. Now I feel trapped. I told him after thus last dd that I would try to work on it with him. But I feel like he's doing the bare minimum to work on the cheating and then there is this non cheating stuff as will. I don't love this life with him. I don't know if I can. But I made a marriage vow and so I feel like I have to stay and work on it if he wants to work on it. I don't know if that feeling is right or stupid and I wish I didn't feel they way sometimes. I feel like a fox with its leg in a trap.

sparklezombie posted 10/5/2013 19:33 PM

And yes he is very passive aggressive. His whole serial cheating was his pa way to deal with being unhappy. He won't talk about how he feels and act pa when I push to know his thoughts or feelings. He told ow that he thinks I'm a narcissistic bitch but also wants to stay together.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/5/2013 22:08 PM

i can relate.

The whole affair of my H just brought to the forefront all the things that annoy the heck out of me in my marriage.

Its not that my H doesn't want to go anywhere--he goes places that suit him. But say if i said, lets go to a park--he would say, "I hate parks". lets go to a lake "I hate lakes" Lets go to a pumpkin patch with the kids---"I hate that sort of stuff"

But there are some things he would do or used to do. he liked watching airplanes so we would all used to go to watch airplanes land...but last time we did that was about 7 years ago....we don't really do much anymore and its KILLING me. All the things he likes to do are the things that cost money like tickets to a game or something that would be expensive so we just don't do anything.

I do not want to lead a life of quiet desperation. So today I had a hissy fit about everything and he just shuts ohhhh no...what is the problem now?

I want to have this great family and this great life and great love but he is just like a lump on a log and doesn't get it.

I told him to put something into this marriage! Its me that is communicating to him. I tell him flat out...I am not happy! Hello?

anewday78 posted 10/5/2013 23:15 PM

There's something else that you may or may not have considered - it could actually explain a lot of your H's behaviors - depression. Depression often makes the afflicted party withdraw and not want to do anything or go anywhere. Depression can lead people to do a great deal of things that's out of character for the individual when he or she is in a normal and healthy state of mind. It may benefit all of you if you encourage him to see your family doctor to talk about it.

sparklezombie posted 10/6/2013 05:43 AM

Reading through the pa thread has been eye opening. It's like they are all describing by husband. I do think that he may be depressed but I think his pa started way before we met. His mother is passive aggressive to themax and everyone in the family tiptoes around her so they don't have to deal with it. Even now every card she sends for our birthdays has a guilt trip in it. It's ridiculous. So I see how it started for him. But I can't live like this. It's awful. I don't want to sit in the house every weekend until I die. I'm just dying a bit inside slowly but surely

sparklezombie posted 10/6/2013 06:21 AM

Another example. When we go to mc, the mc asks us how we are, etc. he won't talk first. If I look to him to talk first he feels like I'm controlling him. So yes we've had arguments about who talks first in mc. It's ridiculous. But I feel like he's not participating if he doesn't speak up. And when I look to him to talk he feels controlled. How does this get fixed? Wish our last mc had mentioned it. I'll bring it up with the new one for sure. I'm tired of this crap.

ok4now posted 10/6/2013 06:41 AM

((Sparkle zombie)))

Been there w/ my WH. He is passive aggressive.

If you search for passive aggressive covert abuse online there is an awesome article that explains a lot of the things I was dealing with. (Sorry I couldn't paste the link for some reason, I am not the best on the iPad)

I stumbled across the link and what really hit home for me is the 100's of comments of people that have wasted their life trying to change the PA behavior.

Even in the article it explains that it is very difficult even impossible to change the behavior.

That article rocked my world. I now believed that I truly needed to get out. I was just unhappy and he wasn't like this when we were dating and he wasn't like this when he was pursuing the OW either.

There was a few things that I think made my husband seek help. He knew I wasn't coming from a place of desperation. I wasn't mad I basically said I can't live like this anymore. I do not want to waste my life and I am not happy and after reading that article the future doesn't look bright.

I think this really scared him after he read the article. There was also a few key factors in my life that was going on: I was finishing my clinicals and would soon be able to support my dd on my own. My good friend was getting a divorce in her late forties due to incompatibility and not being happy (her h refused any MC) I think this also played a part on his eagerness to go to IC and try to figure it out.

I also wouldn't even ask him to go anywhere anymore. I would just get my dd ready and leave. One Saturday she was looking at the space shuttle online I asked if she wanted to see one in person and told her to get dressed. My WH made a few comments about the weekend and crowds etc. I just looked at him and said enjoy the tv, crowds are ok I want to give my daughter the childhood I had and give her memories not just of these 4 walls. He got up took a shower and joined us.

IC has really helped. He still can be PA but it is a million times better that it was.

Sorry for the long post. Wishing you luck. I just wanted you to know I can relate and you are not alone.


Sad in AZ posted 10/6/2013 06:52 AM

Yes; please do read the articles about covert aggression. You will be shocked, and hopefully shocked into action. The abuse is insideous.

In my case the X was P/A, but the cummulative effect was awful. I wanted to leave so many times, but I had committed to the M and felt I had to make my best effort. We would roll through the peaks and valleys for years. Then the A, the gaslighting and the absolute failure on his part to try to fix himself.

Now, I'm free.

sparklezombie posted 10/6/2013 07:56 AM

I never thought about it being abuse. It makes sense though. I looked up the covert abuse and it's like it was written for wh!

I feel very trapped. I really would love a life withoutbthese games and issues. I want my daughter to have fun memories of her childhood and if me.

Another ex this morning. I got up and went to exercise in our spare bedroom. He got daughter up and gave her a bottle. When I came out an hour later daughter was by herself downstairs. I looked and found him on the couch covered from head to toe on a blanket. He couldn't see her and obviously wasn't watching her. I asked if he was ok and he muttered that he was just resting. I started breakfast and didn't move off that couch until almost an hour later when our daughter started poking him. What gives? She's 13months old . God forbid he spend some time and take care of her. Now he's withdrawn and pissy. Great way to spend my weekend.

womaninflux posted 10/6/2013 08:29 AM

My hunch is that he suffers from depression and has an intimacy disorder, which is really just a fancy way of saying someone is insecure.

phmh posted 10/7/2013 08:25 AM


I want my daughter to have fun memories of her childhood and if me.

Does not align with this:

looked and found him on the couch covered from head to toe on a blanket. He couldn't see her and obviously wasn't watching her. <snip> God forbid he spend some time and take care of her. Now he's withdrawn and pissy. Great way to spend my weekend

To me, it doesn't sound like the type of guy who pulls P/A (and dangerous -- he put your daughter at risk for not watching someone that young like a hawk! What if she'd fallen down the stairs, started playing with electricity, pulled a TV down on her head [you'd be surprised by how many young kids die that way]) stunts is the best one to be involved with fun memories of childhood.

Especially if this behavior also makes her mom irritable, anxious, angry, depressed, etc.

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