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megs56 posted 10/5/2013 17:26 PM

So I have conplete access to all my boyfriends electronics. Although, with a computer, laptop, iphone, iPad, iPad mini, and iPod touch there is a lot. Anyways, he just got a new iPhone because then he did the last update on his old one and then there was a problem with the SIM card. Today I went to the google app and was looking at the searches.

There were some searches for stuff that made sense but then a bunch like "I miss you when deployed" "I'll be dreaming of you tonight". And other stuff regarding deployment. Some background, my boyfriend just got out of the military and did an almost 3 month deployment during our relationship and got back the beginning of June. He did a lot of his messaging other girls, etc while he was deployed. I asked him about the searches since this is a brand new phone and he hadn't been deployed for 4 months.

He told me he doesn't know why those searches are there. I had asked him if there is someone else and she is deployed. He told me that he had to reset his phone to an old backup (which is true), back to April. So he said the app probably went back to that time (he was deployed then). He keeps just saying he isn't doing anything wrong and he doesn't know why the searches are there and he didn't do them recently. He was mean and aggressive because I didn't believe his answer of he doesn't know and he didn't do it.

Sorry for the long back story. But does anyone know if what he is saying is possible? That because he had to reset the phone to an old backup that he had on his laptop, the google app has searches from then?

My gut is telling me he is lying. But I don't know a lot about iPhones and technology, so I'm not sure if what he is telling me is possible. Any insight would be much appreciated.

confused615 posted 10/5/2013 17:32 PM

I don't know anything about Iphones. but he has no right to be mean and aggressive because you question something suspicious..not after he has betrayed you.

He cheated. You are going to question him for a very long time. Defensiveness has no place in R.

You should download spyware onto his phone,since you have access. Don't tell him. And watch. If he is cheating,you will have proof. If he's not,then at least you can feel somewhat more at ease.

But his response to you asking him about the searched...that's a red flag.

megs56 posted 10/6/2013 15:40 PM

Thank you so much for your response! I talked to my best friends husband who knows a lot about tech stuff and he said the phone would restore it back to the google searches during that time. So it looks like my boyfriend was telling the truth. BUT like you said he had no right to be mean and aggressive.

He is always defensive now. Always saying he isn't doing anything wrong or bad. And he might not be now, but we was doing stuff for at least 6 months and for 1.5 months after the first DDay. And he would tell me the same things then. Although, he wasn't as defensive or mad when we was still doing stuff. He gets mad that I question him because he thinks I should be over it by now.

I'll look into the spyware stuff. But I kind of feel like if I don't trust him enough that I feel like I need that, I should just break up with him. Especially since it doesn't look like he is making any effort to make things better.

Thanks again for your response!

OnAnIsland posted 10/6/2013 15:46 PM

But I kind of feel like if I don't trust him enough that I feel like I need that, I should just break up with him. Especially since it doesn't look like he is making any effort to make things better.

Meg, I think you have your answer, I think you are right there.

My WH stopped being defensive eventually. Remorse set in and he started to try to unravel the mess he had made. And started to own it and take responsibility for it.

You shouldn't tolerate this defensiveness. Make your own boundaries to promote your healing and safety in this relationship or outside of it.

megs56 posted 10/7/2013 01:12 AM

I won't tolerate his defensiveness anymore. I've gotten a lot of strength from IC and this forum, and I don't think he likes it very much. Him telling me he isn't doing anything anymore (the same exact thing he told me for 1.5 months while he was still doing stuff) and telling me he just won't ever do anything again is not enough. I'm putting in hard work and I didn't do anything to cause this. Yet he seems to not care enough to do the hard work he needs to do. I don't feel like he is remorseful!

Thank you! I will work on setting healthier boundaries! I think I'm slowly getting there! :)