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So sad and scared of the future

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blue8888 posted 10/5/2013 19:39 PM

Dday was last Thursday, 9/26/13. He had been staying up even later than usual on his computer after I would go to sleep but I convinced myself he was just playing his pc games. He also was having an attitude with me about everything and saying things like that he never gets any time to relax when I always make sure he does. His sudden rudeness unfortunately has become my big clue that he has once again started an online affair with someone. I snooped through his phone after he fell asleep and found some links to different social media accounts for this 19 yr old girl. WH is 29. I woke him up and he admitted she was someone he was talking to online and that he wouldn't answer any more questions because he wanted to sleep.

Obviously I couldn't sleep any but waited until the next day after he got home from work to get answers. At this time, he refuses to tell me where he met her online and is being extremely defensive other to say he is a screwup and basically what did I expect. He also refuses to seek any kind of therapy for us or for his own addiction. He also says that he cut ties to her and it's done.

I've caught him quite a few times having these online affairs. He doesn't go out to meet them, I do actually believe this because he has some weird issues in bed that he is embarrassed of and all evidence points to just online. But obviously still as painful that he is giving all his affection and time to these other women. He always said he still loved me after these incidents and that he would stop. Guess I was just in major denial and thought he would grow out of this behavior especially since things would get so much better for a year or so.

We are still not ok at this point because when I mention therapy, he says F that and I say I can't do this again without therapy.

I give it a couple really awkward days thinking he will reconsider to try therapy but then I discover through a google search that he is still logging into an account with a avatar of him kissing another girl avatar. The profile is private but since he logged in 2 days after he told me he was done, I know he lied. I confront him and after a long fight/talk, he tells me he has never really loved me at least not in the way I think of love. He says love is just that honeymoon phase of a relationship and then it's gone. He cares about me and my well-being(ha) and loves our children who are both special needs by the way but we are never going to work out since he will never again have any privacy and is screwed up in the head.

We have been together 13 yrs, married 11, our kids are both under 7. I'm a stay at home mom and have been since they were babies. I am also completely stuck living with him for at least another 5 months or so before I can afford to move back to our homestate. My sister lives there and while a good emotional support system, I know her already fragile marriage because of issues with her disrespectful teenage stepson, we wouldn't be able to stay more than a few days. My Dad unfortunately passed away 5 years ago or he would of taken us in in a second, he was a wonderful father.

WH wants us to stay here and be roomates, he even goes onto say that maybe we can even be roomates when we move back to homestate, wtf? Since I'm stuck here, I'm trying to keep things civil especially in front of the kids. Hurts so much when he is talking to her online and through an app on his phone. He knows it hurting me and when I say he doesn't care, he says that isn't true but he keeps doing it in front of me anyway. I guess it doesn't matter anymore since our marriage is basically over though I am not ready to tell people other than my sister until I can move. He also says that his relationship with this girl is completely fake and he does not have any real feelings for her but then why is he talking to this girl all day and night? And why is it worth throwing away everything?

It's been about a week and finally getting a little easier for me to eat, not sleeping well yet. I've lost 7 lbs in the week which is not healthy so I am working on that issue which was becoming a eating disorder from my loss of self- esteem.

Other than him saying it is weird that I am now sleeping in the guest room and that he got a little teary when a sad song came on the radio on the way to work, he shows no signs that he even cares that our marriage is over. It's all just more signs that I deserve better but it's just so painful. If he would of gotten treatment for his addiction to these fantasy relationships then I think we would of worked out. This is the only thing we fight about.

I am definitely on the rollercoaster of emotions. I am so terrified of how my kids and I are going to make it alone. The costs of moving home, trying to find a job when I don't have a college degree, having to make car payments since I don't have my own car, paying for daycare, everything. I know he will have to pay child support and alimony but adding up the numbers, it's still not enough unless I get a really decent job. I am in the process of going back to school, I was already looking into enrollment when this happened but it's going to take a couple of years to finish. My sister won't be able to help financially, not that I would want her to but she already works two jobs to pay for their mortgage, her husband is on disability for MS.

I just can't believe after all these years, it's actually over. I am trying to find space as I can, when he is home and I see him happily typing away to her on his phone or computer, I take the boys to the playground or elsewhere. I want to regret every marrying him but I have 2 amazing kids out of it. I just never expected I would be a single parent. I think I will be happier one day down the line, it just seems so very far away.

blue8888 posted 10/5/2013 19:41 PM

So sorry, I didn't realize I typed out such a long novel.

LeopoldB posted 10/5/2013 19:56 PM

Welcome and so sad you find yourself here.

The folks here will provide excellent information. Do not doubt yourself. You are right in considering H's behavior to be aberrant. You have options. Whichever future you choose, it can be healthy and uplifting for you and your loved ones.

mom of 2 posted 10/5/2013 20:41 PM

Welcome to SI. I don't know your age but your WH (wayward husband) is 29 years old and the two of you have children and have kids under the age of 7. And he is having some on-line gaming affair?

Good god, isn't he just a tad old for that? Especially since he has young children.

This is a common occurrence here on SI (the gaming thing) but not one I am personally familiar with.

mom of 2 posted 10/5/2013 20:54 PM

Wanted to add I certainly didn't mean to come across as unsympathetic to you. I am SO sorry what you are going through.

Just sometimes I am amazed at the excuses some of the WS (wayward spouses) come up with!

Have you checked out the healing library? It's in the yellow box to the left of your screen. TONS of great info in there.

blue8888 posted 10/5/2013 21:09 PM

Some of the previous were women he met gaming. This one he met on a social media site, one I didn't know existed called IMVU where people pick an animated character and interact with each other. Though he is also talking to this one on a phone texting app and skype chat. He says never with webcam but I don't really believe that. After the previous incidents he gave up games where he played with other people, it was something he suggested when we reconciled. I didn't mind him playing pc games because I figured it was just a dumb hobby and it could be worse. Plus some of my other friends husbands play these games as well. Guess he just started using other sites besides the gaming. But yes as you suggested, I always thought he would grow out of this. I am 31 by the way. We have been together since high school.

I also forgot to mention the OW is engaged. She is also unintelligent, not surprising I guess. I saw some of her posts on facebook and wow. She is pretty and actually a model. I think that was where my self- esteem issues while already messed up really took a nosedive. I imagine she has even more issues though as she needs this weird attention outside of her own relationship.

blue8888 posted 10/5/2013 21:30 PM

I meant I didn't mind him playing pc games. Meeting the women on there, yes I did mind.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/5/2013 22:38 PM

so sorry. this is so sad.

i wouldn't do well with him doing this right in front of you. tell him, fine, if you gave up on us already fine. but while you are living here with the kids in the same house then can he at least go to a different room while he does this? I also wouldn't even talk to him, cook for him--nothing.

he should respect you as a human being even if he doesn't love you anymore and treating you as if you have no feelings is wrong.

my husband was involved with online stuff too in addition to real OW...

I would see a lawyer as soon as possible if you truly feel there is no hope for reconciliation.

Jrazz posted 10/5/2013 22:56 PM

Welcome to SI, blue.

You don't ever have to apologize for the length of you post. You aren't even NEAR the record.

Take everything slowly. Read up in our healing library. DO NOT take his word for anything right now. Just breathe, and protect yourself against the days to come and the lies that unfold. When you gather your strength, it would be good to use some of that to let the OW's fiance know what he is dealing with. It's not revenge - and it's not mean. It's the gift of truth that we all wish was given to us sooner than later.

Hang in there and keep posting. We're here for you.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:56 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

blue8888 posted 10/6/2013 23:31 PM

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the support! Still so hard and painful. Getting very obvious that he has feelings for this girl. I can't believe he is choosing her over me. I know I deserve better than him but to have my own husband not want me anymore, I can't stand this.

Pippy posted 10/7/2013 08:52 AM

Some people never grow up and are stuck at 16. I'm sorry that he is putting you through this. Pleading with him will not bring him back, but only chase him away.

Please read in the Healing Library about the 180 which will make you stronger to deal with this. I wish I had known about it sooner. It is in the BS FAQs #11. Hugs.

NoAnswers37 posted 10/7/2013 09:26 AM

Hi blue,

So sorry you find yourself here but we'll look after you

I would say it is very concerning that he is not showing any remorse and is not letting you go through the motions of grief.

For now, take your time, post as much as you like (and as long as you like!) and read up on the 180.


NeverAgain2013 posted 10/7/2013 10:58 AM

Blue, I'm sorry you're here.

But honestly? I think your decision to move on from this abusive, toxic person is the best decision you've made since the day you married him. He's torn you down in every way possible in order to fulfill his selfish needs and simply doesn't care what it's done to you.

It's a special kind of evil, souless person that can do this over and over and over to someone they supposedly love - and WATCH that person suffer each time they do it - then turn around and do it all over again.

Blue, you need to reconcile with the fact that he's not the man you thought he was and the one you loved. Much like most of us, you probably feel like it was some kind of twisted bait and switch game. Who knows, maybe it was.

But that was then and this is now.

I encourage you to stay strong, always keep your future path in sight, and most of all, respect yourself FIRST.

Good luck to you.

Heartbroken2013 posted 10/7/2013 11:33 AM

Hello there, mine is kinda similar story to yours (read my profile for details of H problems in the bedroom) only we are staying together and trying hard to save our marriage. I know my H wouldn't physically go and do these things he talked about online with other women but he still betrayed me by talking like that to them.

Its 11mths since my DDay, and im still hurting like mad, still get bad days (this weekend past was just awful) if u want to talk ... talk away cos I know exactly how u are feeling xxx

cliffside posted 10/8/2013 15:37 PM

Oh Blue,
What he is doing is plain evil... Out this to this girl's fiancé. That guy deserves to know before he gets married.
Do you own your home? I would not tolerate his behavior. I'd hefty bag his crap and leave it on the front stoop with a note saying "tell your girlfriend your wife said she can have you"

File for divorce. Call a bunch of attorneys in your area, they'll give you free consults. It's so hard, but you have to put your bitch boots on and make sure you and your kids come out of this ok.

Post often, we 're all here for you. Hugs...

blue8888 posted 10/9/2013 02:22 AM

Thank you all for your kind words! I can't kick him out. The house we live in now is through his job so if I did, my kids and I would be homeless. Feeling a little better, still painful but feeling a tiny bit stronger. I managed to stick with 180 today not to get him back but to help me move on and feel better about myself.

I know I'm still young (31) but I feel like I'm never going to find someone else and how in the world would I be able to trust another man now? I know this is a long ways away but thinking of one day finding a guy who treats me the way my husband now should have is giving me a tiny bit of hope that I can get through this darkness. It wasn't always bad with him, he used to tell me he loved me everyday and kiss me goodbye but it has become clear that for him that was just going through the motions. He is not affectionate, never hugs me or holds my hand. Never cuddles in bed.

I did send a message to OW's fiancee, he didn't reply but I feel better that he has the info.

forlornheart posted 10/9/2013 05:48 AM

I understand the whole feeling of I can't believe he chose '?' over us!! I feel that same way. My stbx swears he's only visiting the OW house because of the kids....they need him. Wow! What a fool he must take me she lives right down the street!

I too feel like I don't even know him anymore, but it doesn't feel good to know you and the kids just don't matter enough.....I get it

It's only been a few weeks since I kicked him out. It feels like a day or a lifetime depending on the moment but I know it's the right decision and I think you are at that point to......

Tired of being treated like you just don't matter.


blue8888 posted 10/12/2013 11:37 AM

His issues in bed weren't functional but he likes to wear girl lingerie. Yep. He has always sworn he is not gay and all the EAs I found out about were women and same with the type of porn I have caught him watching. He never cross dresses in his daily life but that is his turn on in bed. I was never a fan of it but just accepted it since I loved him. Definitely not something I am going to miss.

storm77 posted 10/12/2013 12:36 PM

Sorry you have joined the club.
All I have to say is wow
I want to reach out and just give you a hug. It doesn't matter what the OW looks like on outside. You are the prize. Beauty fades....stupid is forever. One day you WH will see this and regret his selfish choices. Just take care of yourself and your little ones.

headdesk posted 10/12/2013 14:04 PM

Three things;
1. are there any financial or assistance resources out there for you because your children are both special needs? Would you qualify for discounted child care or an additional living allowance? Look at charities as well as government support
2. Make everything the best situation you can for you. Spare room? Nope. YOUR room. Change it to suit you the best. Move all of your stuff out from the other room so you're having to shuffle back and forth. Even paint it if you'd like. Make it your private sanctuary. Get a lock for it to keep him out if you'd like. Either that or kick his butt out of the master when he's gone and remove any trace of him from it.
3. I'd draw up a separation agreement or file for D. The sooner you have that in, the sooner it can go through if you'd like it to. Exist like he's not worth your time, because at this point, he really isn't.

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