SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

npfahl posted 10/5/2013 20:28 PM

So I have posted on this site a few times already, but mostly just about the crippling pain I am feeling. Well, here is my story; I am 36 years old. I have been with my H for 15 years and married to him or 13 years. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but I have always loved him more than anything. We entered our relationship with me being a single mom of a 2 year old (now 17 year old) and my now H was literally my night and shining armor. I was never married to my son's father, but I had definitely had a pattern as a teenager of being attracted to "the bad boys." If there was a nice guy around, I wanted nothing to do with him. That started to change a little after I had my son. I eventually left my son's father and moved 2 hours away to start a new life where my sister lived. That is where I met my husband....at work. We were friends for 1 year before anything romantic began. To be honest, he wasn't my type, just really nice and funny. Before I knew it, I was falling in love with him; REAL love. We both confessed our love for each other and began dating exclusively. He was soooo good to my son. I had NEVER felt that way about anyone. He claimed he had never been intimate with another woman until me, as he was raised with strict values. Well, those values must have gone out the window 2 months after we started dating because we started having the best sex I had ever had. I was madly, deeply in love. I became pregnant with my now almost 13 year old son. We got married when I was 4 months pregnant. And so our life began. We moved a couple of hours away to his home town after I had the baby and once he finished his degree in education. He always wanted to teach in his home town...or at least in the area. He became a Cleveland School teacher, as he did not get hired in his home town suburb; but we did live there. We had ups and downs, but nothing major. I waited tables at night, and he taught during the day. I became pregnant again 4 1/2 years after my son was born. This was a very big shock to the both of us. My daughter is now 7 years old. So, let's get back to that pregnancy, because that is when my H started his A with another teacher at his school. I just want to start off by saying that I was a very attractive pregnant person. Barely gained any weight, and was always told how beautiful I was by everyone but my H. I started to feel neglected a couple months into my pregnancy and started to become a bitch. I was hormonal, sick, and miserable. I had to wait tables 5 days a week plus be a mom to 2 little boys. My H and I started to drift a part. I remember feeling so alone, sad , and pained. I reacted with anger and would occasionally hit him (on his arms). I never hurt him or left a mark, but I know it was wrong. He never retaliated with anything other than very, very hurtful words. Usually calling me "crazy" or "psycho." I felt very strongly that he was having an EA, but never, never,thought it was a PA; that was just not my H...just not something he would ever do; I felt confident in that. Things just got worse as my pregnancy progressed. I got sicker, more lonely, more angry, and then his mom and I had a falling out. It was the day after Christmas, and his mom told me that she had booked a package at Disney World and she and my father-in-law were taking my son in March. She never asked me or consulted me, but she said she thought it was ok because she had talked to my H and he said it was ok. Things got really bad between my H and I after that. He felt that his mom did nothing wrong and he became even more distant. I finally gave birth to my daughter in May. Things were still pretty rough between my H and I for about a month after she was born. Slowly, very slowly, things started to get better. Over the next 7 years, we had issues, but they were brief, and we always re-connected. We renewed our vows 3 years ago in front of family and friends. Things have been pretty good the past 3 years. He is my partner, lover, and best friend. I have always found comfort in how hard we have fought for the life and family we have. That has always been true love in my mind...I could honestly never imagine my life without him. So then the most painful, excruciating, mind blowing moment of my life happened; 09/13/13. I was at work, and I received a phone call from a man claiming that my H had an EMA with his wife while I was pregnant with my daughter in late 2005, early 2006. Supposedly this man claimed that his wife decided to come clean to him. They were actually not married at the time she was with my H, but they were dating and living together. He told me that he was sorry for telling me this, but that he didn't think it was fair that my H was living his happy little life while he was living in hell everyday (my husband had admitted to him months earlier, but begged him not to tell me). My H taught with the OW for 9 months at a small constellation school while he was laid off from Cleveland for a year. They were together everyday, all day, 5 days a week for 9 months. I talked to the OW and she said they bonded over their dysfunctional relationships they had at home. She said that they had sex approx 5 times....at school and at hotels. She tried to apologize, but I stopped her...told her she made me sick and had destroyed a family. She cried and told me that she was young, and that my H told her at the time that we would be divorced in a year. The OW seemed so afraid of me...and said that my H made me out to be "crazy" and "dangerous." That may have been the most hurtful thing at the time....that is NOT me, that is NOT me! He played the victim role at an Oscar worthy level. So I obviously confronted him on all of this, and he to no surprise denied it for 4 days. After, hearing me cry uncontrollably every night and become completely non-functioning, he finally admitted on 09/17/13. He cried and said he was sorry. He told me that it was the only time and that he could not live without me. He tells me this everyday. He buys me cards and flowers and puts me before anything. We have been having the most amazing sex ever. WTF is wrong with me! How could I have sex with this pig who did this to me. I am on a daily roller coaster ride of hating him and loving him. I am chronically depressed and since D day, I have taken a leave of absence from work and have started an anti-depressant (which BTW has not helped yet, but my DOC says it will take several weeks). I am in IC and he and I are going to start marital counseling. I am so confused and hurt; there are no words to explain. I feel a constant pain in my heart, chest, and stomach every day. I have lost 12 lbs. and can barely care for my children. The only time that I ever feel any sort of pleasure is when I am with him. It is so sick. One day I want him to leave, but then I think of how I could never live without him, and how it would hurt my kids. Why do I want to be with someone who has done this to me...our FAMILY!!!....He tells me every day that he is not "that" man, and is disgusted by what he did. Well, that does not help me. I am sick of hearing that he "is not that man." The fact of the matter is that I am a very attractive person with a good personality and good heart....I could have whoever I wanted....BUT, I want my H!!! I could go out tonight and get back at him, but that is not ME!...I would never feel good about myself if I did that. I pray every day for God's strength, faith, and ability to forgive....I WANT to be a forgiver! I don't want to break my family a part!.. My kids would be traumatized....they love their Dad, and he is a good Dad. I truly believe that he would never do this again and has not since then, but I am in so much pain that it has crippled my life. I have thought often about admitting myself when that pain is so overbearing I cannot breathe....when I cry so hard that I gag. How could my best friend and love of my life do this to me? HOW? HOW? I don't understand!!! I have had so many opportunities with other men as a waitress/bartender, and would have NEVER done this...even when things were bad between H and I. How does anyone get over this? How do I shut off the obsessive thinking about very detail between my H and OW?....My counselor says that we could become stronger down the road...can we? I WANT to believe that more than anything, but I just don't see how that could happen when these obsessive thoughts keep creeping up on me. I feel that God wants me to let him make this work, but it is so freaking hard and confusing. I want the constant questioning and obsessing to go AWAY!..... I want my life, family, and H back the way it was! I want the pain to go away!....I love him so much on so any different levels...he is a part of me that I feel I cannot function without... yet I can't function with him right now either.....I am literally in a living hell.

storm77 posted 10/5/2013 21:04 PM

First off I am sorry this has happened to you. Secondly I understand how you feel and I am happy that you are getting IC and have been to see your doctor. I have only known about my WH ONS for a little over two months. I pray more than I have ever prayed in my life. My pastor is our MC and the first session he told me that I had a much more difficult road than my H. Forgiving someone is hardwork and struggle everyday. I feel like God wants me to do this as well but I am so angry and confused. I keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently or what signs I did not see. I rationally know that I am not responsible for the affair.
Right now I can at least function and take care of the kids, but I do not feel that I am my best self or mother. I forgot everything from lunch money, doctors forms, and to check homework. I am back to doing these things but also demanding that everyone else take on some of these responsibilities as well.
I can say that even a month from now you will feel a little better. The pictures of what they did are no longer playing in my head and I am not crying at the drop of a hat. I am not asking as many questions about the actual event, just question about us and our marriage.
Each day I want to wake up from this nightmare that is my life. No such luck.
My grandmother is also a BS and she told me I have to decide whether to be angry or to move with things in a positive direction. She also let me know that this a long road and that nothing will be decided in one day. I felt and feel so much pressure to do the right thing but I do not even know what that is. I have had to take the pressure off myself and just feel what I feel at the time. If I cry I cry, if I am angry I express it. Having people to talk to and even reading others story help me to better process what I am going through. I just want you know that it is going to get better. Little by little, day by day. My grandma also let me know that my grandpa put in the work for their marriage even more than she did. He did whatever she needed him to do when she needed it. Just wanted to say I am with you and sending you a BIG HUG!!!!

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/5/2013 22:25 PM

so sorry

summerain posted 10/8/2013 07:57 AM

My H and I started to drift a part. I remember feeling so alone, sad , and pained. I reacted with anger and would occasionally hit him (on his arms). I never hurt him or left a mark, but I know it was wrong. He never retaliated with anything other than very, very hurtful words

From what I've read in your story there seems to be some things that match up

The OW seemed so afraid of me...and said that my H made me out to be "crazy" and "dangerous.

Gently that may of been your husband's perception at the time. I'm not going to preach to you, because you know it was wrong. I also think it was fantastic you got yourself out of that cycle of abuse, as it can be really difficult to stop once you are in it.

I do not have any experience in a ONS/affair and I would really recommend heading down to the I can relate forum. They will be able to give you some really good advice.

Either way this would be a horrific experience for you and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. The other question you said was can your marriage be stronger?

Yes I believe so. I am not sure where the starting point would be as it was many years ago and this is why ICR would be a great starting point for you.

Good luck

tushnurse posted 10/8/2013 12:07 PM

Welcome to the club.

Your story although it seems unique has many of the same characteristics that all of them do.

First of all Kudos to you on taking care of yourself, getting to the Dr. Getting on meds, taking a leave from work. Many of us are so overwhelmed we function in a a fog of our own after Dday.

Next - I hear a lot of I'm sorry, after denial from your H, what I don't hear is real action to find forgiveness, and work on himself to figure out why he did this. He finally confessed, sort of, after you were a complete basket case for 4 days? Does that sound like remorse or ass covering to you?

You will find I am a straight shooter, and tend not to sugar coat things, but I will tell ya what works and what doesn't.

Your H had an A while you were pregnant. Nice, absolutetly charming. Even better was he put his needs before you because he did it all while you were sick as a dog. Sounds a bit narccisstic to me. Played down your emotions, and fears even when your gut was screaming at you. Of course you believed him, you wanted to trust your spouse, we all do. Do not blame yourself.

So Here's the deal, you are shattered and broken at the moment. You refer to your looks several times in your post, and I want you to know, that HOW you Look, How you act, the kind of person you are, the type of house you keep, NONE OF THAT, and I MEAN NONE OFTHAT has anything to do with HIS decision to cheat. That was all on him. He chose that because the poor punkin was needing more love and attention than he was getting, and this woman, made him feel special. It is the truth. It ultimately boils down to how the AP makes them feel.

Can are M heal from an A. You bet, Can it be even better after? YUP. Is it hard? Absolutely. But there is a magic mix that has to happen for that to occur.

1. You Have to have a spouse that is willing to own up to everything they did. They have to be completely transparent, and answer all questions, they can't spare you the truth to save you from hurt. That is called Lying. And I think you are probably still being lied to, she said it was multiple times, he says just once, I bet he says he used protection too. Don't trust him at this point.

2. You have to be able to heal yourself. It's not his job, it is his job to heal the M, that's for both of you to do, but you have to get strong for you. You have to go through the grieving process, and know that at the end you will accept what he did, that there was nothing you did to cause it, or could have done to stop it.

3. He has to do the hard work on himself, figure out his whys, and what is broken in him, that allowed him to make such horrible choices and fix it. Understand it, and change it.

4. Time - Yup it's a bad 4 letter word, but it will take you years, yup I said years to get over this.

5. Communication with each other, has to be open, honest, productive. Name calling, hitting, all that stuff has to go away. It's time to take a high road, and lead by example. You have to be very forthright, in what you want, need, and hope for. If you are not you will be disappointed at minium, and back into the cycle that got you to this place at the worst.

Don't worry about trust and forgiveness yet. He has a lot of work to do before you will be able to really honestly say I forgive you, and trust you.

Right now make sure you are sleeping, and eating, and staying hydrated. Don't force yourself to make a long term decision right away. Do decide what you need from him for you to attempt R. Be prepared to follow that up with consequences, as he was obviously ready to let this stay under the rug for the rest of his life. IT make take some real shakeups for him to really start to get what he has done, and start the hard work of R.
It's ok to put yourself and your kids first, it makes you stronger, and happier.

Keep reading in the Library, keep posting, and know that we all have a lot to share from our past experiences, and those that are currently in the thick of it.

((((and strength))))