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AML04 posted 10/5/2013 20:52 PM

I'm trying so hard to go to sleep right now because I have to be up early but this week killed me. I have had this rage building inside me and it's tearing me up. I am so incredibly hurt but it's hitting me especially hard lately. I feel like I am feeling things so much stronger and I can't shut my brain down! Everything makes me think of them together.

I could go on and on but the thing that hurts the most right now is that during the A, it was like I didn't even exist. It makes me want to put my fist through a window. I knew we were having a hard time but I had NO clue he wasn't really thinking about me at all. I was worried about him being overwhelmed (6 mos old baby during cold/flu season) and he couldn't have cared less if I were breathing.

Ugh!!! How do you stop this????

blakesteele posted 10/5/2013 21:22 PM

during the A, it was like I didn't even exist. It makes me want to put my fist through a window. I knew we were having a hard time but I had NO clue he wasn't really thinking about me at all. I was worried about him being overwhelmed (6 mos old baby during cold/flu season) and he couldn't have cared less if I were breathing.

Totally get this....I had no clue my wife was capable of committing adultery. I knew we had marital issues....thought it was my anxiety so I found a counselor and we attended sessions together. I would have sworn my wife was there for me. She would sit there next to me and put on one hell of an act.

Turns out her affair was in full swing...texting and meeting him on days of my counseling sessions...am sure that played into my heightened sense of anxiety, but since I never thought it an option, I never suspected it.

My wife would drop our girls off at school, her AP would drop his 5 kids off at school...and then they would hook up. I also get the whole not thinking about anything but themselves.

She had sex with both of us during the same week...the affair was exposed then, we were in weekly MC sessions, I foolishly thought her affair was dead. Afterall, her AP texted me and told me he was sorry.

It is so true that a BS could not have done anything to prevent a WS from having an affair....and a BS has no control over ending it. One can only really control themselves. It hurts like nothing else to know our spouses actively chose to commit adultery.

Is it any wonder many BS are either diagnosed with PTSD or symptoms of PTSD? It is written this is the most destructively painful experience one human can put another through.

You are 3 months in...you are right on schedule. It took me 3 months of regular IC sessions to get in touch with my anger and hurt. Mind movies were running almost non-stop, my wife was trickle truthing and broke NC about this same time too....hopefully your fWS is avoiding this insult to injury.

How do you stop this????

The four letter word....T I M E. Time PLUS feeling. You must find ways to feel this pain, lean into it...that is how you will heal. Time alone wont heal this. I have FOO issues that are 3 decades old...I am just now processing through them, because just this year I became aware of them and how they have been in-play without me really knowing they were.

Regular sleep is a MUST. I use over the counter stuff.

You didn't mention this...but, if you are like me, you are probably feeling a bit put out that you have to feel this pain while keeping other aspects of your life at least breathing. Afterall you have a job to keep up and other non-marriage related obligations to tend to.

Is it any wonder fWS choose adultery over really working on issues within their marriages?

Speaking of that...You may enter a phase where you are considering an affair of your own...to escape, to get back at your husband, etc...just be mindful.

For me this was a particularly vulnerable phase...it started at a time my wife was not really over her AP yet...so I had thoughts like........dang, adultery must be fun, look how even when it is exposed and my wife is looking at destroying our family she still thinks fondly of her experience.

Detaching helped me get through that phase....turning my focus on me....seeing my strengths and weaknesss.

Too long of a response to you I know....I just feel your pain. It DOES get better....stay with the pain as long as you think you can, then sit with it a bit longer.

Exercise helped me. Reading lots of books on infidelity helped too...especially those filled with case studies. It helped me normalize my experience....not minimize it...normalize it. I came to realize this is serious trauma.....and that others have experienced this....and that our fWS decisions have nothing to do with us.

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:31 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

jjsr posted 10/5/2013 22:01 PM

Yep, hate to say the dreaded 4 letter word of Time but I do agree. When I was only as far out as you, I too was full of rage and that was a long stage. Hang in there.

AML04 posted 10/6/2013 05:41 AM

Blakesteele-I appreciate your long response more than you know.

I actually did fall asleep after I wrote this so maybe I just needed to get it out at that moment.

I am very lucky that my H's fog seemed to lift as soon as he got caught. I'm sure it helped that the actual PA had already been ended by OW but it's like once he finally saw me and saw the pain he caused me, he couldn't push it away anymore.

He had about 2 weeks where I think he still missed OW but then she did something after he told her I knew and they couldn't have contact. It's like he finally saw the person she is.

We are both in IC, and had a few MC sessions. He did TT but has answered most of my questions but he doesn't remember a lot of detail. Even though I believe it for the most part, the "I don't remembers" kill me. It's like he was doing something that could potentially kill his M and you would think the moments would stand out.

Our issue has always been communication. We ended up completely disconnected which I'm sure made it easier for him to not think about me. Now I'm trying but he says he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't expect me to move on or anything like that but he doesn't bring it up unless I do.

Ok I'm rambling now. My son is up but I will come back and respond better when he naps.

Thank you both for your responses.

blakesteele posted 10/6/2013 07:04 AM

Glad you got some comfort out of my post...even more glad to hear you got a decent rest. It makes a huge difference.

"I don't remembers" kill me. It's like he was doing something that could potentially kill his M and you would think the moments would stand out

This part was so very hard for me to grasp....I finally gave up trying honestly. I, too, believe it when my wife says she doesn't remember. I use to believe she was answering this way to avoid facing how she felt or avoid hurting me any more (I don't remembers hurt more then the facts though). I don't think either of those are the reasons for the I don't rembembers. I guess it is like a person that uses meth...or alcohol...it is such a mind alerting experience that they truly don't remember. My wifes PA consisted of only 3 full on orgasmic sex sessions....I have pieced together that she had sex with both of us the same week. She could not recall exactly when she had sex with him and me. It seems as if those particular acts...those that so directly broke our marriage vows....would be memorable moments. But, as painful as this is to accept, I really don't think our spouses are lying to us when they say.....I don't remember.

Keep the faith.

AML04 posted 10/6/2013 07:52 AM

I agree. He was so good at compartmentalizing that he seemed to forget things right after they happened. I have a bad memory but when prodded I will remember. He sent her one video from our couch but when I asked him if I was home, he doesn't remember. It's crazy! He said he tries but comes up with nothing. The reason I believe him is he has told me other things that hurt incredibly to hear so at this point there is no reason to hold back.

I just wish he could talk to me more rather than waiting for me to ask. I think that is when my rage starts building. I can't let it out on him so instead I obsess about OW and hating her and that's not healthy either.

I've been through so much pain and absolute shit in my life but this is by far the most debilitating thing I have ever had happen.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:53 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

topperoff22 posted 10/6/2013 10:31 AM

Mine didn't think about me or our six year old son either. Nothing. For 10 months. We were nothing to him and now he wants us to be something. After all the lies and the manipulating and financially taking care of another family....he's decided he wants us again. Honestly? I'm not sure I want him again.

AML04 posted 10/6/2013 12:35 PM

I'm so sorry topper. I know how you feel and it beyond sucks.

My H is doing a lot now, I am just finding it very hard to accept it happened at all. Sometimes I can't breathe I'm so angry/hurt.

The issue for me is I love him so much. I know he loves me too, I just don't understand how he forgot that for so long.

Landoes posted 10/6/2013 13:04 PM

I suffer through the same. For one year, I did not get any gifts for holidays, and even had to text my WS from work that it was my bday.
But she certainly gave the OM presents for his bday and holidays.
Every time I think about this my ego tells me "what the..leave you moron!"
Selfish cheaters!

AML04 posted 10/7/2013 06:31 AM

Land-I was "lucky" that the PA didn't start until after my birthday and Christmas. The only actual holiday that happened during was Valentines Day and we always just go to dinner. I did find out he sent her a pic of his beer though so he was thinking about her even sitting right across from me.

Mentally he was gone from us a lot earlier, he just hid it better before they had sex.