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Can't believe I'm posting this ~ feeling numb

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Whattodo2012 posted 10/5/2013 22:29 PM

I don't even know where to start so I'm sure this will end up a little on the long & rambling side. I was first on this site back in July of 2012 after finding out about my husband's several affairs. He had gone to bed drunk (once again) and I decided to look through his phone...definitely not expecting what I ended up discovering. He had texts between he and a guy friend discussing details about other women & how things went, etc. I took some time to read quite far back & then decided to wake his ass up. It took some effort because he was essentially passed out. Bypassing the conversation details he ends up saying he hooked up with hookers/escorts - whatever term you prefer. I called my mom at 1:00am and had her come over. She helped me pack some things, including our 2 month old baby girl. Luckily my mom lives close and has ample room. I also took his phone & looked through everything overnight. Through that & also from his own admission I find out that he also had an affair with a girl he knew from his office. Fast forward a little bit & we end up in MC & both in IC. Things were pretty rough at first & looking back I know that he wasn't truly remorseful or 100% committed (even though he said he was).

We stopped MC several months ago because we had to cancel a session & then never rescheduled......and things were going pretty good. Well, this past week I receive an anonymous message telling me that he has been having an affair with someone in town. I honestly could not believe it....I thought it had to be a joke. We were doing good, he even voluntarily said nice, caring, thoughtful things and if I was having a bad day/moment or he picked up on my silence he would ask to see if I was ok & if there was anything I wanted to talk about. He said numerous times, "thank you," and "I would never do anything to you like that ever again," "I'm excited for our future." On & on...... I confronted him (not revealing how I knew) and asked if he was having an affair again. He adamantly said no, no, no! He would never do that to me again.....believe me, etc. Only after I told him he's just digging himself a bigger hole did he admit to an "inappropriate relationship" with that woman. He begged & pleaded & asked what could he do. I told him to get the fuck out of the house. The next day he admitted to it being an all out PA over the past 6+ weeks.

I know he has many issues. One being alcohol. In 2011-2012 he was drinking an obscene amount. Found out he had alcohol (mainly vodka) at work, in his car, at home. After we started MC & he went back to IC (he had gone previously but not during all of the affairs) he cut way back to a "tolerable" amount. But of course that didn't last long term and even though he's not where he was before, he drinks more now than he did this time last year. But he doesn't think alcohol is an issue now...compared to before.

I'm not even sure what steps to take next. I've known him literally most of my life. We attended the same grade school, junior high & high school & started dating in high school. Our extended family is small but tight & entertwined....pretty much one whole family. I don't know what's happened to him. I see glimpses of the person I love and I know that's preventing me from seeing the other person that could do & has done so many unbelievably hurtful/damaging things to me, our marriage, our baby girl, our entire family.

He came by the house yesterday to get clothes (a time I told him to so I wouldn't be home). I'm dumbfounded. Numb. Deeply sad for all of us. Angry. Confused. I'm currently a stay at home mom to our 16 month old girl who is happy, healthy & truly the light of my life. I'm trying to stay focused on me...on her and what's best for the two of us. There's so much going on in my head. Should I ask for more details on the recent affair? Should I try and contact the OW husband? Should I even discuss what he can possibly do or is that a route I even want to go down? Should I find out more on alcoholism and confront him with that? It's like I don't know what to do so I find myself stuck & hope that some soul searching on my part will point me in the right direction. Meanwhile I'm taking care of myself, my baby and tyring to get a clear head. I know you all have such good advice...advice that can't come from any place else. Thanks for reading my long intro message.....

standinghere posted 10/5/2013 23:06 PM

There's so much going on in my head.

This is normal at this phase. It is like falling off a cliff and not knowing how long the fall will last, but it just seems to go on, and on, and on.

Should I ask for more details on the recent affair?

Only ask what you are ready to hear. This is a personal choice, MC is important if you hope to deal with the marital issues that he has brought into play.

Should I try and contact the OW husband?

Yes, you JFO, and he needs to JFO, and break the daylight wide open on this affair. Kill it with the daylight, if nothing else.

Should I even discuss what he can possibly do or is that a route I even want to go down?

Probably premature. Your husband is an alcoholic, and nothing that he says or does can be trusted until he has resolved his alcohol abuse issues.

It is not how much one drinks, or what one drinks, but what happens when one drinks that define alcoholism.

Just ask me, my wife is at an AA meeting right this moment. She surprised me with her alcoholism, because it was all closet drinking, and not that much, but what she did while drinking was hard to believe.

However, when she started confessing the affair, and the drinking that went with it, and the other drinking, and the other activities that had gone on in secret during our marriage, it was as clear as day. I had a hard time seeing her as alcoholic, but the behavior was what it was and the link to alcohol was what it was.

Should I find out more on alcoholism and confront him with that?

Absolutely. Here is a starting place.

I'm a member of the online Al-Anon, you should check into it, talk with people, nobody will know who you are or where you are from, and it can be very helpful.

It's like I don't know what to do so I find myself stuck & hope that some soul searching on my part will point me in the right direction.

Come here, ask questions, talk about how you feel.

I didn't find this place until nearly 2 years into my dealing with my wife's affair. I wish I'd know about it before, and I wish I'd been able to get this kind of feedback all along the way, particularly at the beginning when I was just totally overwhelmed by everything and shocked at what I was hearing.

Meanwhile I'm taking care of myself, my baby and tyring to get a clear head.

That is task #1, you cannot make him do anything, you can only do what you can do.

Good luck.

Missymomma posted 10/5/2013 23:14 PM

It is not uncommon for addicts to have multiple addictions. So, alcohol and sex or love addiction are common. I am not saying that is what is going on but it is a possibility. Can you find an Al-Anon or CODA meeting anywhere? Somewhere for support for you? If you think there is Sex or Love Addiction, you might try going to a COSA meeting.

I am so sorry you find yourself dealing with this again. (((hugs)))

RidingHealingRd posted 10/6/2013 00:18 AM

I wanted to address the alcoholism.

I spent many years telling my WH he was an alcoholic. He drank every day from the time he came home from work until he went to bed. His tolerance for alcohol was so high that I did not witness drunk behavior. He was a functioning alcoholic, who lived in denial.

3 years ago, on Dday he took his last drink. I spent years complaining about his drinking and it change nothing, He stopped on Dday because HE wanted to stop. Hitting rock bottom, living in a shattered world was the catalyst for change.

It was during a MC session (post Dday) that the therapist looked at me and said that complaining of the alcohol wasn't working, I should left him. Leaving him, or throwing him out, would force him to realize the consequences of his actions.

It would have been scary but I wish I had given him that wake up call many years ago and tossed him out. I have discussed this with my now sober WH and he 100% agrees, had I done that he would have taken action to stop drinking.

You certainly have a lot on your plate but I do think it is important to get help/information on alcoholism.

Wishing you strength. {{{Whattodo2012}}}

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 12:19 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

jb3199 posted 10/6/2013 07:43 AM

Both the alcohol and the infidelities are results of a bigger problem. And you can't fix any of them.

But you can help him, and that would be by showing him the consequences of his actions...which you currently appear to be doing. You can also learn more about alcoholism, as it has already affected you and your child. Knowledge is power, and it will definitely help you see things in ways that you may not have understood them before.

Like the other posters here, I have a recovering alcoholic spouse. She drank for years---many of them in secret---and it was the last D-day that has turned her to sobriety. And that is because she finally had to face the full brunt of her consequences. I didn't give her an inch of slack---but to be honest, I don't think she wanted any, because she made the conscious decision to take back her old life.

The sobriety has probably been the easier part of her journey these past few years, but it is getting to her core issues that is the real hard work. For my wife, it is a lot easier not to pick up a drink, than it is to try to find why she needed to go there in the first place.

Your WH has to want this also. If he isn't committed, then you will get nowhere. He has to realize that not only does he have a drinking problem, but deeper issues that must be dealt with...if he wants to become a better person. He also has to know that you will NOT be the one to get him through this. He has to get better for himself first---everybody else second.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:48 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

k9lover1 posted 10/6/2013 09:05 AM

Welcome and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Please pay attention to what I'm going to say - I know what I'm talking about.

I lived with an alcoholic for 25 years - he drank vodka straight out of the bottle.

You cannot fix his alcoholism.

You cannot fix his alcoholism.

You cannot fix his alcoholism.

It will overwhelm and destroy your life. One more time:

It will overwhelm and destroy your life.

In my opinion you should do the following:

1. Get a lawyer;
2. Get a job;
3. File.

Then put this behind you and move on.

Sounds harsh, but in the long run it will save you years and years of agony.

My X has 3 brothers who died from alcoholism. He is currently in such bad shape from alcoholic neuropathy that he is almost in a wheelchair. The booze controls them, they don't control the booze.

Having him cut back to a tolerable level isn't going to be enough. He needs to never drink again. Ask yourself - do you honestly believe he will never ever for the rest of his life have a drink? If not, run.

The whoring around is just a byproduct of his lack of self-control.

forksintheroad posted 10/6/2013 11:25 AM

Oh God, Whattodo2012...your story & mine are so similar...1st of all big hugs because I have been in your shoes & it is so scary. Second, your WH HAS to get into rehab & deal with his alcoholism. After this then you guys need a really good MC if this marriage is to continue. The family leave act allows for your H to take up to 12 weeks leave from his job without being penalized(he does not have to tell his bosses why) & get the help he needs. My H even got paid through short term disability during this time since I too am a stay at home mom. My H went to an all men's rehab in Fort Lauderdale thing he/we ever did. Please PM if you want to talk more. You are not alone in this!

Whattodo2012 posted 10/6/2013 13:47 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I do believe he is a highly functional alcoholic and in his profession/social circle it's probably not as uncommon as some would think or like to admit. Because he is successful & well respected in the professional world, that will make it more difficult for him to see and/or admit he truly has a deep rooted problem. I am going to look for an attorney (WH is an attorney but not in family law) and probably confront the OW's husband....although in my anonymous message that person said he/she was going to send him a message too. I do know that my WH told the OW I knew but I don't know what was exchanged during the conversation because I didn't give a sh*t at the time....I just wanted him to get the F out.

silentheart posted 10/7/2013 12:53 PM

I have been in a relationship for 13 years with my boyfriend. I dealt with his drinking and he would get angry when I would say he needed help and that he was an alcoholic. Drinking changed how he thought, how he talked to me, how he saw things, etc. Especially drinking hard liquor. There is no changing someone when they don't see a problem. My BF is a completely different person when he drinks. I wish you all the best and hope you find the path that is right for you.

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